Partner makes me feel like I'm not doing enough

[marvmaise]

My beautiful baby is a week old today and from the day I came out of hospital me and my partner have been taking it in turn to do the night feeds. But he's constantly complaining that I get more sleep than him when I'm sure we get the same amount or me sometimes even less. I do nice things for him to save the frustration he gets like one morning I took the baby out of the room and let him sleep for a good 5 hours in the morning while I slept with the Moses basket next to me on the couch. He complained he let me have a few extra hours the day after labour aswell so I never really managed to have a good rest after that either. It's like as soon as I get two hours of uninterrupted sleep he labels me as lazy.
Last night he was tired so for his feed I woke up and prepared a bottle for him to feed baby and woke him up and asked him to feed so I could get some sleep and he was getting frustrated with the baby so I said to him to go back to bed and I'll do it but he told me to sleep so I did. Then I did my turn and the next time baby woke up I asked my partner to see if he was okay and he then started complaining that I had been sleeping all night and was getting frustrated with the baby and so I told him to hand him over but he refused. It just left me feeling like I'm not doing enough but we take it in turns so I can't understand it. During the day I'm running around cleaning and he's on his iPad so it's not like I'm not making an effort. Now I just feel like a shit mum, should I just do all the night feeds to save the grumpiness or talk about it

@marvmaise

My beautiful baby is a week old today and from the day I came out of hospital me and my partner have been taking it in turn to do the night feeds. But he's constantly complaining that I get more sleep than him when I'm sure we get the same amount or me sometimes even less. I do nice things for him to save the frustration he gets like one morning I took the baby out of the room and let him sleep for a good 5 hours in the morning while I slept with the Moses basket next to me on the couch. He complained he let me have a few extra hours the day after labour aswell so I never really managed to have a good rest after that either. It's like as soon as I get two hours of uninterrupted sleep he labels me as lazy. Last night he was tired so for his feed I woke up and prepared a bottle for him to feed baby and woke him up and asked him to feed so I could get some sleep and he was getting frustrated with the baby so I said to him to go back to bed and I'll do it but he told me to sleep so I did. Then I did my turn and the next time baby woke up I asked my partner to see if he was okay and he then started complaining that I had been sleeping all night and was getting frustrated with the baby and so I told him to hand him over but he refused. It just left me feeling like I'm not doing enough but we take it in turns so I can't understand it. During the day I'm running around cleaning and he's on his iPad so it's not like I'm not making an effort. Now I just feel like a shit mum, should I just do all the night feeds to save the grumpiness or talk about it

Now I'm just scared to sleep incase I get a mouthful lol I'm writing this in the bed room now and I could easily sleep as he refused to give baby back but I'm not going to because I know I'll not hear the end of it

You gave birth a week ago and you are running around cleaning while he lounges around on his ipad? I think he is the lazy one and you are doing way too much!

@romdowa

You gave birth a week ago and you are running around cleaning while he lounges around on his ipad? I think he is the lazy one and you are doing way too much!

He seems to think because it was a quick labour and I didn't tear ect I'm capable of doing what I am, but he's only got a week off before he goes back to the army and I'll be doing it all until he comes back on weekends so I really wanted to utilise this time to rest ect but as soon as I do it seems a problem. I'm just confused as he tells me to sleep but then gets mad when I do lol

Does he work?

Also - it's not a competition. You are both very, very tired (and probably shocked and overwhelmed after becoming parents).

You only gave birth a week ago! You should be resting and taking it easy. Your partner needs to step up. No way are you being lazy!

@FATEdestiny

Does he work?

Also - it's not a competition. You are both very, very tired (and probably shocked and overwhelmed after becoming parents).

Yes he's in the army he has a week off and then he's back to just being home on the weekends. I do understand that and I am trying my best to support him but my issue is I don't complain when he rests nor did I complain about anything after labour and I am trying my hardest so I don't see why he is complaining when I rest, it just makes me feel not good enough.

Congrats on the baby. If he’s in army he should be able cope few nights with sleeping on and off. Like you say after this you will be on your own until weekends so it’s very short term step up on his behalf. Stop running around home if he can sit still so can you

I don't think it matters how quick your labour was , it's still a shock to the system. Coupled with a 40 odd week pregnancy. You need rest before he goes back to work but by the sounds of it, you will probably get more rest when he isn't there. He sounds like a proper bully.c

Did he give birth? No? Then you NEED more rest than him to recover from a very physical experience. Even if you arnt breast feeding, the hormones are going to be having a massive impact as your body shifts to post partum. Especially if you are going to be solo in the week soon.
Having had two straight forward births it's totally normal to need time to recover.

As for the competition element on rest and sleep I have the same situation nearly 3 years on so don't have much advice on that. Last night my husband was up for a couple of hours with our 3yo, yet I was up every hour and then solidly from 4am with our 5mo and in his eyes we are equally tired/ he's more tired. I look at his night and think that would have been the best night's sleep I'd had since the baby was born! And I don't get a thankyou for any lie ins I give him when I have both kids. It sucks and makes me resentful. The first thing he ever says to me each morning is how tired he is and lists how "bad" his night was (although he is never too tired to play late on his xbox) but If I list my night then I'm being arsey or making it a competition.
I've learnt to just ignore his moans and try and just get on with it for the sake of the girls. If he wants to spend all day trying to sleep rather than being a dad then that's his choice and him that misses out on what's really important.

Sorry... Back to you! (mini rant over)
If he's said he will look after the baby then let him and DON'T feel guilty, you know you arnt getting enough sleep, you know you've tried to make his turn easier (and if he's tried to help you out in reverse) get sleep when you can as it will mean you will function better. If he niggles about it later just ignore him, he can't have it both ways.

I agree with pp that you'll be better off when he goes back to work. You can get yourself into a routine, sleep when baby does, leave the housework til you've got thee energy ( and only do the minimum) and as you don't have to deal with this immature prick of a partner, you'll feel better emotionally.

@Akire

Congrats on the baby. If he’s in army he should be able cope few nights with sleeping on and off. Like you say after this you will be on your own until weekends so it’s very short term step up on his behalf. Stop running around home if he can sit still so can you

Thankyou very much! It just makes me laugh as he told me I need to get a part time job when the baby was born aswell, but I didn't really want to leave him to a child minder till a year old, plus our finances aren't great for one. So he suggested I work from home but on top of all the night feeds and a part time job with no help I'm not sure I'll be able to cope! He's seen how stressful it is first hand but I doubt he'll accept that I want to stay at home for a while with the baby! It's annoying I want to work but as he's away for weeks at a time it makes it difficult

He's a Prince isn't he ?
Don't be thinking about a job ! Your baby is 1 week old. You will manage financially surely ?

He sees this week as a holiday from work, not as paternity leave.

He’s letting you know that he’s going to expect you to do the parenting, the housework and contribute financially. He will likely be the same during weekends.

I think you need to deal with this before it becomes entrenched. The fact that he thinks you should be running around doing domestic stuff within a week of giving birth is a bad sign.

I’d seriously (and I don’t say this lightly) be rethinking my relationship with him. Did you not discuss finances/childcare/work before having a baby? He sounds bloody awful.

You’ve just spent nine months growing an entire human and now you have to get used
Looking after this tiny being who has a sleep schedule completely out of whack to most adults. Do not let your partner make you feel that you are not doing enough! Remind him that he did not grow the baby and that he has the luxury of going back to work and having time to himself whereas you are going to be completely consumed by the baby for a few months until they get more of a routine. Take your rest when it is your turn and tell your partner to step up.