Stopping my 6 year old from getting out of bed

[Marnna]

We're having a disaster getting our (nearly) 6 year old into bed most nights. Last night was a particularly bad example but it's was the best part of 2 hours of her coming in and out with a wide range of reasons (toilet, too light, what's that noise, what are you doing etc etc) sanctions don't effect her, the latest reward chart has been going since May and not made any difference. We've tried being sympathetic, strict, calm, cross....I can't get to the bottom of what the reason is (she has no screen time of any sort for 2 hours before bed and same routine of milk and stories with her brother, then a bath and another story with one of us before bed) but i think she just feels like shes missing out. She is strong willed and loves to have control (who doesn't) and this is a key area she just isnt allowed to control...she has to go to bed. We've talked to her about what could help her and what she feels the problem is but she says she doesn't know. Any new suggestions most welcome

Do you engage with her when she keeps coming out of her room on the evening? If so, stop. Just silently take her hand and lead her back to bed and close the door as you leave. Repeat x1000000. Tomorrow night it will be less, same the night after that etc etc.

Well I've tried the not engaging thing but she starts screaming and shouting at me to get a reaction/ answer to her question and she shares a room with her brother so I do as minimal a response as possible and just keep putting her back in her bed.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Do you engage with her when she keeps coming out of her room on the evening? If so, stop. Just silently take her hand and lead her back to bed and close the door as you leave. Repeat x1000000. Tomorrow night it will be less, same the night after that etc etc.

I was going to suggest this. I had this with an exes DD. It took 3 nights of doing this and she was in bed asleep at 8.30pm. She was going to bed well after we were asleep, around 1.30am (after he left her with the light and tv on, but that's a different story). It wasn't easy. She would kick and scream and cry, but it worked.

What time are you sending her to bed? Could it be that she isn't tired. Sleep needs can vary massively at this age

I totally agree! I felt for ages we were putting her to bed too late especially compared to my friends with similar aged children but she just doesn't seem to need as much sleep. We have in her room with the light out at around 8.30pm (I still feel bad writing that it seems too late for a 6 year old) and on a more typical night she is asleep by 9 / 9.30 after being in and out of bed about 5 times. Last night was much worse than normal but wasn't a 1 off either. She then will wake up around 7am naturally.

We have a deal that we keep going up to check, but he must not get out of bed. I even set a timer on my phone. We have 15 minutes, 20, then 30. Usually asleep at the first or second.

You could start with ten maybe.

I have this occasionally with my DD, I have 2 suggestions we have found that we do a story then I ask her is there anything she would like to tell me or ask me me before I go? Give her short answers, say last question if you think she will carry on. First time out of bed, I say I answered your questions at bedtime, these will have to wait until morning and put back to bed. Any more wake ups you do as pp have suggested no chat just take back to bed.

I've got to the stage where I can just give her a look and she puts herself back to bed.

The other one is giving her some control at bedtime, obviously she has to go to bed, but can she choose story, maybe introduce a song which she picks too, who reads her the story (if possible)etc.

How old is her brother? I'd move him into your room in the short term so that you can properly address this issue with minimal disruption to him.

We went through a short phase of this with dc1 and had to move dc2 out so we could tackle it. Coming down hard and firm means the tackling works faster.

We have an arrangement where the kids need to be in their room, in their bed preferably, but they don't have to be asleep- my 6 year old in particular tells me she cannot just fall asleep, it just happens and she can't make it happen. So she can play in bed quietly, read a book, do a sticker book etc and then around 9- 9.30 I'll go in, rub her back for a couple of minutes, then leave her again and she is usually asleep by 10pm. She has quiet tech free play time with her sister between 7ish and 8.30 at which point they go to their room. I find that baths hype mine up before bed, so either do those straight from school or on the weekend.

Ooh I like this idea @4PawsGood I'll definitely be trying this tonight! @BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz her brother is 3 and I think it would unsettle him too much to put him in our room. But perhaps as a short term measure it could be worth a try. Thank you everyone 😊

My 6 year old likes to know that me or DH are upstairs as she goes to sleep. We leave her door open too, so she can hear us milling around upstairs. It only takes 10-15 minutes for her to drop off because she trusts we'll stay upstairs so she doesnt feel the need to stay awake to keep us there. I then close her door when we go to bed later that night.

It sounds to me as though she is going to bed too early. Not all children need to be 'put to bed' at an early hour, every child is different. Let her sit downstairs with you until she is really tired, you could make sure she is ready for bed in advance.

DD is almost 6 and she will lie quietly until she falls asleep (within 10 mins usually) if one of us is in there. If we leave while she’s awake then she’s up & down like a yo-yo. She’s gone through various phases over the years so we’re going with this for now as it’s quick and it works.

My DD1 is 6.5 and we have one clear consequence for getting out of bed, which is shutting her door (she hates it).

However I was talking about this with my mum today who raised 4 children, and she said at that age, just say clearly that after 8/830/9pm is grown up time and she needs to be in bed. That is when adults eat dinner, do chores, whatever, and they have taken care of you all day, now it's their time.

I quite like that as it's simple and honest, it reinforces that parents are people too, and sets firm but loving boundaries. I haven't used it yet but I have started to talk to DD1 about what we do in the evenings (batch cooking, Mummy's yoga as I have a sore back, working on our laptops).

Been through exactly this. Let her come down stairs but ignored her. Just said you should be in bed and carried on reading. She played then fell asleep on floor. Carried her to bed. Made her get up at same time as usual in the morning. Did this twice. She swiftly stayed in bed after. Also we don’t do fun stuff if mummy is too tired because she is being woken up in the night for random things like water, lost teddy etc. Gave her water by her bed and a click torch to find ted. Again no more interruptions. Harsh but works 🤷‍♀️

If I read it right you are giving here a slightly different routine than her brother. That's mistake one. Exactly to he same routine for both. Then if I get it right she gets milk, story bath and then another story.
Milk before bed time prevents sleeping as milk is difficult for our stomachs to process it activates the stumach, preventing sleep.
Secondly the bedtime routine seems elongated and ambiguous. I think you need to make the bedtime routine faster and shorter and cut bath time from that routine as bath time for kids is exciting / play time. So make the last milk at least two hours before bedtime, make the bath at least one hour before bedtime. Then make the bedtime routine only: brush your teeth, read one and Only one story ( do not ever give her any control over this) and then tuck in. Then if she gets up execute a consequence she can feel clearly untill the next evening and have another one ready. Remind her of what concequence she had yesterday and tell her clearly what consequence she can expect today if she gets up. If she gets up then pile up the second consequence. I'm pretty sure you won't have to do this a third day. Just make sure the consequence is harsh as in her favourite toy / bath time / story / no TV or wha

I invited my son (6.5) to sit on the sofa with me and watch grown up telly. We watched Parliamentary tv for half an hour before he gave up and went to bed voluntarily. His fear of missing out has well and truly gone away now!