My 4 months old baby naps when I hold her

[Leti9]

My DD will nap for anything longer than 20-30 min only when I hold her. She has a dummy and bedtime is in her crib (next to me one), waking several times during the night looking for her dummy. I don’t know if that’s just a phase as it is more or less like this since birth or am I not allowing her to learn to sleep independently as when I manage to put her in her crib during the day and she only sleeps 30 min I then hold her to extend the nap, I tried putting her back, but she just wakes straight away or in few min. Do babies outgrow being held to sleep or should be sleep trained? Has anyone had the same experience with their LOs?

My DS is very similar. He is 5 months now and will sleep 20-30 mins on his own but will need held to extend a nap. He has surprised me a few times with longer naps maybe 1-1.5 hours on his own so I'm guessing he is starting to learn to connect cycles. Hoping that it's developmental and he will gradually stretch all of his naps. For now I am enjoying the cuddles as a lot of people on here will say that they only stay small for a short while!

That’s great that he managed few times for so long on his own, hoping it’s developmental too and they’ll learn when they are ready.
I want to enjoy the cuddles too without the feeling of guilt that I am not doing the right thing for my DD as all sleep advices I read are saying that after 4 months babies form very strong sleep associations and they’ll won’t know how to sleep otherwise
But all I really want is her to have her sleep

Your baby probably wants a bit more help to sleep in the cot/crib. It's labour intensive but patting will help keep her asleep.

What you can also do is have her napping in something that moves (bouncer/pram) and then she can go from awake to asleep independantly of you and also be bounced/rocked without disturbing her to extend the nap.

Ultimately the advice online is someone trying to market their services for sleep training and I think your little one is still too young for that. Honestly as long as she is growing, meeting milestones and generally happy then I wouldn't worry too much about sleep, you are doing a great job

Sounds normal. My youngest would only sleep in my arms until he was 9/10 months old, my youngest was 5 or 6 months old. They get there eventually. I think some people end up sleep training but I do think 4 months is too young for that, they just need mummy cuddles when they're so little!

To every ‘Am I doing the right thing?’ my mum always compares it to adults so, in this case, she’d say do you know any 18 year olds that still need their mum to cuddle them to sleep?! With potty training it’s ‘do you know any solicitors still having toileting accidents?!’ etc etc.
Just enjoy the cuddles, my 7 month old mostly contact naps too!

Ignore it all - lots of money to be made preying on sleep deprived desperate parents. I swear, none of it makes any difference. Friends who sleep trained religiously, some say baby doesn't sleep, some swear baby does sleep, it's totally random.
Think about it, we all learn to sleep at some point, so you're never going to do any damage in that respect!
4 months is too young I think, they all mostly just want to be held & close to a safe adult. Makes sense to me. Mine is now 11 months and had to be held to sleep until 6 months, then suddenly decided he didn't want that, but still refused to sleep for more than 20minutes at a time. I did everything 'wrong', then at 9 months, he suddenly started sleeping through. Has gone wrong recently due to illness but we seem (fingers crossed) to be back on track. Turns out he is quite capable of being put to bed awake, at a set time, and just nattering away to himself before conking out. And I promise you, I spent every night leading up to that pacing with him, jigging him about, feeding him to sleep, night lights, co-sleeping.
I remember well the soul destroying nights ages 0-9 months; really really tough. Just get through each day, one at a time, and it slowly starts to improve. Also, when they are learning a new skill, like rolling, they'll suddenly drive you mad with the lack of sleep, but it only lasts a couple of weeks, promise... (And yes, I do miss the night cuddles now!!)

Thank you all so much for the supportive words 😊
My DD had her third shot of jabs yesterday and I spent the whole night holding her so she can sleep, I am still with her on me now. She took it well I thought and we’ve done the normal bedtime, but at 9:15 pm she woke up screaming and since then I am cuddling her strong. I hope she’ll recover soon
Thank you again for the advices which I’ll try and for sharing your stories ❤️ And for the sleep training, I really want to avoid, but it is so hard when it is presented like it’s helping your child and doing it for her and then there are ‘ the 10 mistakes parents do’ etc articles, arghhh
Thank you all again

Dd slept through the night very early but only did 40 min naps, having to get her to go down for naps continuously was killing me (I refused to hold her for every nap, I mean FGS it’s the only time you get a break?!). My pediatrician gently suggested I just see what happened if I left in her the crib for the length of time I wanted her to sleep. It took 2 days, first day, 10 mins chatting, 10 mins crying & 10 mins grumbling to go back to sleep. Second day less, third day and for next year, she took 2 1.5-2 hour naps every day. Prior to nap training she was constantly tired from never getting deep sleep, and grumpy and I was struggling. To me, I just could not see how 10 mins of crying was harmful, even if it was 10-20 mins over several days.

I did lengthen her wake window by about 30 mins prior to trying which I think helped, I don’t think she was quite tired enough to stay asleep. She also was a good night sleeper, so I knew she could sleep for 12 hour stretches.

FWIW, there isn’t actually any high quality evidence supporting the anti sleep training brigade. There is a lot of high quality research showing that good quality sleep and happy parents is critical for good development. My mum recently told me that not everyone as likes science as much as I do though so...

Ultimately trust your instincts and do what’s best for your family AND you.

It’s great it worked for you, how old was you DD at that time? Mine is not a great sleeper at night, she wakes for her dummy several times.

Sitting up all night holding her to sleep is not sustainable. What was your DH doing during this?
Like happy I needed a break and wasn't afraid to let babies cry a little. Both slept through from four and five months and never ever came into our bed. Milky midnight snuggles may be lovely but nothing beat several hours uninterrupted kip!

I would say just go with it. She will grow out of it eventually and you will miss it. Theyre small like this for a short time and cuddles are just the best.

I wouldn't do it over night though

I held my DS at that age for naps. He is my first so I didn't have other children to look after.

You're not doing anything wrong by holding a small baby whilst they sleep. It's perfectly natural.

He did transition to cot naps easily. Sometimes even now at 23 months he will wake up and cry for his dummy. He's usually chucked it out of his cot.

Luckily I don’t normally hold her overnight, she sleeps in her crib, although waking up several times, I held her tonight as she had fever from her 3rd jabs shot. She is still quite unsettled and wants to be held, I hope tonight will be back to normal, but if needed I’ll hold her again. I totally agree it is not sustainable for overnight, even just daily naps are so hard, that’s why I hope she’ll get there eventually. I try, I put her in her crib during the day, but unfortunately it is not working yet, I do want her to be able to sleep independently, for her and for me. DH unfortunately doesn’t help during the night, he works and sleeps quite heavily in the other room for now

But he helps with the overnights on his days off to give you a break? Right?

No, unfortunately he doesn’t, I have begged him many times, but he is saying he sleeps too deep and might not be able to hear her, but that’s another story. I am on my own every night, that’s why I bought white noice machine, blackout curtains and everything to help her sleep, my DH is not happy about that too as he thinks these are all useless and they actually are not helping but the opposite. The sleep deprivation is not helping me and we are not in a good position at the moment with him.

Normal. To make life a bit easier (potentially) could try naps in pram or baby carrier.

Have you tried a sling for daytime sleep? My dd3 (nearly 4 months) sleeps for hours in the sling and I can run round after my toddler or get stuff done, its great. Totally normal though while they're so tiny for them to want cuddles all the time and farrrrr too young for sleep training. Waking for a dummy several times doesnt sound like an issue, mine wakes to feed once or twice a night (20-30 mins awake each time) and I think that makes her a bloody brilliant sleeper! I know it sounds a cliche but they really do grow so so fast and I'd give my left leg for my 12yo to snuggle up in bed with me and sleep with her head on my chest again. Just enjoy it, you'll be missing it soon

Blackout curtains are a great investment, you won't regret that when baby's older & more sensitive to early morning light. Don't think your husband has a say really, given he's not dealing with the sleep situation.
I don't wish to derail your original question, but you must get support to ensure you get some sleep, or you will be very fragile. If your husband cannot compromise on nights, then he needs to have her on his days off so you can get your head down with some earplugs if needs be. Don't forget you have a full-time job too, except you're not getting any time off by the sounds of it. If he isn't able to (& assuming he isn't already), you haven't got the energy to debate that right now (maybe one for later) so prioritise yourself, take his feelings out if the equation and if you have a close relative who could take them occasionally during the day, take advantage of that.

My 4 month old is exactly the same during the day, I still try to put him down in the cot but only sleeps for half an hour or so.
As for your dh he needs to take his turn, if not you need to bin him and seek help from family or friends to give you a bit of a break.

You all people are amazing! Thanks everyone again for all the kind words and support, I feel so much better about my DD sleep now. I know it is not easy and everyone has something to deal with. I am lucky to have my father and sometimes my mother when not at work to help me during the days, as to my DH I do hope he’ll take his share as well one day.