14 month old cannot settle - help!

[paperplanes88]

If anyone could help I'd be very grateful!

DS2 (14.5 months) has never been a good sleeper. He was BF and had bad reflux as a newborn, so he did probably get used to the cuddles as we held him upright for quite a while after feeds. Even when put down he really preferred some contact, a hand near his hand for example.

Good sleep probably peaked around 6 months and he hasn't spent a full night in his cot since about 8 months. He's never once slept through.

We stopped BF just after 12 months and he won't take a bottle, but will sometimes take some water at night.

Basically he will settle in our arms and then we can put him in his cot, around 8pm. From then on we are lucky to get 2 hours without him waking up crying and upset. It's often only 40 - 60 minutes. We persevere by going in to hold him until the point where we're in bed and then to save our sanity we end up cosleeping, but it's not ideal due to space and then not being able to move or get up earlier without him waking! We both work full time and DS1 is 4, so we need some sleep...

If we try to put him in his cot sleepy but awake, all hell breaks loose. We don't leave the room but he gets himself so upset that he ends up retching or hurting himself but throwing his head back and banging it. If we tried to hd his hand or pat him, he gets even more distressed . Last night I tried to persevere between 8pm and 3am, and in total he was asleep for 50 minutes in that time, which only happened because I took him out and held him for a bit. By the end he was sitting up falling asleep but went crazy when I tried to get him to lie down.

I know that at some point this too shall have passed, but is there anything else we can do to try to improve this situation? Naps often need to be in our arms but at nursery he is fine and he can sleep pretty well in the car. Bed time routine is solid - bath, books and (theoretically) bed.

We've tried pick up put down, sitting by the cot, earlier bed, longer naps, shorter naps, two naps, one nap, music, white noise, twinkly lights, pillow, no sleeping bag, comforters, toys, dummies etc. The only thing I'm not keen to do is cry it out but I'm getting closer to it....

Any tips gratefully received! DS1 has always slept pretty well and would settle if we just sat by the cot for a while, he never cried so DS2 just seems like we've done something wrong. He is also currently super clingy to me during the day. If I'm not about he's absolutely fine, but if I'm in the house he just cries and moans until I'm holding him.

And sorry if this is rambling on, I'm very tired ...

He does need to learn to fall asleep on his own as he's waking and is confused not to still be in your arms or how to self settle back to sleep.

I never advocate for cry it out. Whilst I believe it 'works' and works quickly I think it's too distressing.

However even with the most slow gentle methods there will be tears.

At 14 months he has a good enough understanding and can be verbally reassured, so whilst you say 'all hells breaks loose' I do think crying and protest is inevitable even with gentle sleep training.

At 14 months I'd start with an absolutely rock solid routine. Naps / wake ups / bedtime. Whatever you choose to implement it must stay. So if that's white noise or twinkly lights it must be absolutely rigid.

I'd start the routine (I even chose the same two books for about 4 months which was boring but helped solidify bedtime)

I'd then do the gradual retreat method. Once routine has been followed (bath / milk / books / twinkly lights) I'd put him in his cot. He is likely to be very upset at this stage. But stay very close (I picked back up a few times if the crying got uncontrollable: but promptly put back down)
I'd then stay very close to cot, lots of soothing words 'lay down hold mummys hand / let mummy pat your back'
When he does lay down lots and lots and lots of over the top praise 'oh he's such a good boy / mummys here'
Keep repeating and patting and stay very close.
He will fall asleep eventually, keep this up for a few days. After a few days only pat and soothe when he's laid down, then a few days after that stop patting / hand holding just as he's about to fall asleep / a few days after that as he lays down you also lay down and 'sleep' right next to cot. A few days after that you lay away from cot ... gradually retreating. What actually got me to leave the room with zero tears was making up an excuse after a few weeks 'let Mummy go and get her pyjamas on and I will be back' and then I left and waited and he fell asleep alone.

There will be tears abs protest but that was the easiest way and I was there the whole time and comforting / reassuring

@1940s can I just say thank you so much for replying. I think I just needed to hear some sensible advice from someone. We've put it into practice and things are so much better. He is still upset at the start when we put him in the cot (and the first few nights were horrible ) but he definitely gets the routine now and understands what's happening. He still wants a hand through the cot bars but I'm fine with that, it's what we did with his brother.
I think a number of things have aligned - no teething, possible development leap over, currently no cold, but he even slept right through for the first time in his life last week!
So anyway, thank you from a significantly less tired Mum