Losing the will!! Baby won’t sleep in cot, toddler waking frequently... help!

[Islippedonmabeans]

Hi all
Apologies that this is long but need some help
Please.
I have a 12 week old baby and a 2 year old ( not long 2)
My 2 year old has always been a rubbish sleeper really, things have gone up and down but the number of full nights sleep we have had in her life can probably be counted on 2 hands. From very tiny we had a really good bed, story, bath routine with her but not really possible with DS as husband does long shifts (days and nights) so can’t manage it with both of them alone. She now wakes up on average twice a night which is better but can sometimes take a long time to settle. We also have to stay in her room until she falls asleep as if we try to leave she gets so worked up she makes herself sick. This happens sometimes if I try to leave her to settle in the night or take too long to get to her!!
We now have a 12 week old who is generally very happy and easy going but will not sleep in his next2me cot for more than half an hour at a time really. Throughout the night I just get more tired and end up holding him til he sleeps. He is exclusively breastfed so I do all the night stuff with him. I am worried about him bed sharing because he won’t even lay on on our bed he has to be on my arm which I know is not safe and especially now he is more active at night I am really trying to get him into his own bed.
Another reason for wanting him in his own bed is that my DH does night shifts and with my toddler DD waking up I have to go in and settle her. I either have to take DS with me or leave him to start crying and then we go round in circles of each one crying. I am finding it difficult to cope with and I actually dread bed time and night (especially DHs night shifts) because it is so difficult. When DH is home it’s easier as he can deal with DD.
So I guess I’m asking for help with both kids sleep. I don’t remember what I did with DD, she just was happier to sleep in her cot although she was a frequent waker.
Sorry for the long rambly post, I’m just stuck for what to do. We have white noise machines, humidifiers, special night lights, bed time sprays. You name it we have tried it!!
Any advice would be great please I am struggling with the crazy nights 😴 😓
Thanks xx

Apologies.. don’t know where the lol came from!!

You could bedshare with both? One on either side and DH sleeps in DDs room. Can you lie down and BF DS and the when he's out roll him onto his back?

My DD would be described by most as a terrible sleeper, I didn't get a full uninterrupted night till she was nearly 2.5 (not that long ago) and that was kinda a fluke. I put her in her bed till I've go to be and then bedshare from them just to survive, we've had waking every hour not that long ago and she's just changed on her own.

@olderthanyouthink thank you for the reply! DD only has a toddler bed in her room at the moment so would need to move a bunch about but something to consider thank you. She will sometimes come into our bed when I’m here alone but she will get up and go back to her room and then shout from there! 😆 here’s hoping she just switches over one night then!
DS will feed to sleep and lie down but it’s more that he won’t stay there lol
Thank you I appreciate it x

Oof, that sounds really really tough, you poor thing

Will your DS nap in his cot during the day?

When he wakes, does he full-on wail? Or just fuss a bit for a while? If the latter it's worth waiting to see if he can fuss himself back to sleep - it's something babies need to work out for themselves, how to settle. You could try speeding it along by putting him in his cot when he's not quite asleep, but pick a moment when he's not overtired.

It's really hard-going when they're crap sleepers, I sympathise.

No advice but some solidarity from me, I’m currently lying between a two year old and a three year old both screaming getting in and out of bed kicking me poking me driving me NUTS I’m also losing my mind as this is every night and goes in until about half nine ... I’ll follow for the advice !!

Not recommended but have you tried sleeping your baby on their tummy and once asleep turn them over- used to work for my eldest. I bed shared with my youngest for the first 4 months. Oh and sleep trained my eldest - one or two nights of unbearable tears won’t kill them.

Are you able to sleep in the day at all? Eldest at nursery?

Actually I put DS on his tummy from 3 months, I just always used an apnoea alarm (ALWAYS! even brief naps). We used the AngelCare system, is that a possibility OP?

Tummy sleeping was a game changer, he went from waking every 30 mins to going 1.5-2 hours at a stretch.

Thank you all for reading 🥰

@HavelockVetinari he will go down in his cot occasionally and stay for about half an hour. He then stirs and drifts on and off for a while and then is wide awake. One of our issues with daytimes is we live on a new build estate that is still being built directly opposite us, which can be noisy! We have a MyHummy that set have on. I haven’t tried him on his stomach but he does seem to sleep better on his side . Have tried that for naps when I can watch him but not at night. I haven’t seen the apnea alarms so will have a look thank you x

@Goodebe appreciate the solidarity! I know baby and toddler sleep issues aren’t uncommon but so stressful to go through! I’ve just been waiting and hoping it would change but not yet!! 😣

@OnlyFoolsnMothers worth a try with the different ways to sleep! My DD is in nursery for 2 mornings a week so some time there for catching up with sleep.

I know he’s still tiny so everything passes and changes over time it’s just telling yourself it will get better doesn’t always help when you’re in the middle of it!

Is the baby swaddle?

Does baby have a dummy?

Both these things make sleeping independently significantly easier.

Let me know if you do decide to try tummy sleeping, I can post you our apnea alarm (no longer needed, DS is nearly 4).

How you doing OP?

Hiya sorry been busy with DH working away!
Thank you again for the advice :)
@FATEdestiny he was swaddled as a tiny newborn but doesn’t like it particularly now. Going to try a dummy for sleeping, our DD has one for sleeping only now but she’s never really learned to put it back in herself so I think that might be part of the night issues. Maybe time to wean her off it at night as well!?
Still having some Pretty rough nights. Just trying a dummy tonight for sleeping and he has been down in his own bed since 7:30 so far. Been up once to put dummy back in but that was probably me being a bit twitchy and not letting him self settle. I know I need to let him eventually I’m just so worried about waking the toddler as she is so difficult to get back down sometimes!
DD has been a lot easier to get to sleep the past few nights but still waking up throughout. DH back tonight so that’s good for me! But wish me luck for tonight!!
Thank you @HavelockVetinari hoping the dummy gives some help tonight but I’ll let you know. Very kind offer x

@OnlyFoolsnMothers thank you for asking x

Could your DS have reflux?
Have a look at justchillmama on Instagram. She has some really handy tips!

@Wantabub definitely possible, he often brings milk up or hiccups after feeding. Especially recently maybe it’s got worse? I’ll check that out thank you x