Regretting CIO method, feeling major mum guilt.

[Mumof2boyseb]

Hi,

I just spent over 40 minutes trying to ask a simple question on here. But sometimes I end up using this as my diary. So to cut a long story short...

My 19 month old (since he was about 6 months old) has been sleep trained using the cry it out method. I've always felt guilty for using this method but it "worked" for us. Please don't make me feel any more guilty than I already do. I'm a young mother, inexperienced to say the least and just trusted what I read and what other family members told me. I've just decided over the last couple of weeks that I would just love a much more gentle way for my baby to go to sleep (just a quick note to add that I'm calling him my "baby" because although he's 19 months old, he's very small and developmentally, he's quite behind, he doesn't walk or talk yet, so it's like having a 9 month old instead, so habit really!). Anyways, the other night, I thought I'd try cuddling him to sleep, well at least until he was drowsy so I could tuck him into bed. I stroked his hair, rubbed his back, twiddled his ears (because he does that himself when he's tired), rocked gently in the chair, sung gentle nursery rhymes to him. After well over an hour of doing this (bearing in mind, I had spent most of this time just trying to get him to relax, but he'd just shoot up in my lap and look around and get distracted by everything he could and get annoyed if I tried to cuddle him or get him comfy again). I eventually gave up (I was getting nowhere fast and being 20 weeks pregnant, with low iron levels and bad sicknesses, I was exhausted myself and needed sleep). So I laid him in his cot, gave him a big hug and kiss, tucked him in and left the room. The crying started, I felt awful but knew he was tired and would go to sleep soon, which he did. Still doesn't change the fact that I feel awfully guilty for doing it and wish there was another way. But have I just glued into my babies head that that's the way he has to go to sleep now?

Basically, has anyone done the CIO method with their babies for a period of time, regretted it and tried something else? If so, what did you do? What worked for you?

It just feels like this is the one and only way my baby will sleep, just wish it doesn't have to be this way!

Any advice is greatly appreciated!
Thank you.

I used to read outside of the door and sing nursery rhymes until they fell asleep. Sometimes it could take 20 min.

I’m a little confused OP, surely the point of any sleep training method is to teach your little one to self settle, if you started at 6 months why is this still an issue over a year later? What’s a typical bedtime like?

If he's still "crying it out" a year later then it hasn't worked has it.

I did a slow retreat method with DS1.
So a couple of nights sitting next to the cot patting his back through the bars.
Then just sitting with your hand on his back, no patting for a couple of nights
Then sit next to the cot. No touching.
Then sit by the door.
Then out side the door.
Then (hopefully) he'll sleep.

I don't remember doing that with DS2 but it's entirely possible I fed him to sleep as I wasn't pregnant and fed him for longer. I can't actually remember though

Have you basically left him to cry himself to sleep every night for 13 months, full-on CIO not controlled crying where you pop back in? Does he cry every night? On the face of it, my first reaction is to be quite shocked you were able to put yourself and the baby through that. But then my babies screamed if I left them, they just ramped up and up. But some babies do fuss more productively at bedtime, and it depends on your definition of crying - there is the red-faced, furious, despairing wailing of a truly distressed baby versus just a bit of a whimper, more like a moan than anything.

How long does it take for him to fall asleep, and what sort of crying are we talking about - is it crying with tears etc or just a sort of moany whiny noisy?

So few people use CIO these days, it is hard to know what is normal and what success looks like. I'd always assumed that once the baby learned no one was coming back, they just slept. And that eventually they wouldn't bother crying as they knew it made no difference.

What does he do in the daytime for naps, is he at a childminder or nursery?

Do you have a partner, what happens if they try and get the baby to sleep?

What is your routine like - some children need a milk feed or a pudding or a glass of water to settle at bedtime. Is he going to bed at the same time with the same routine each night?

Is he possibly over tired (my kids would be absolutely hyper before bedtime if they were over tired, then they would sob with disappointment and exhaustion once I put them to bed?

What does he use for comfort - does he have a favourite teddy or blanket or a dummy?

You definitely haven't glued CIO in his head, although changing sleep habits isn't easy. I'd say you've got about 15 weeks to sort this out before your pregnancy starts to make life tricky. That's plenty of time. There are lots of gentle sleep methods, research one you like the sound of , stick to it religiously for a few weeks. Even if he cannot walk or talk, your baby is old enough to understand what you are saying, if you keep the language simple, so talk him through what is happening, and also remember that eye contact and body language and touch and speech can all be stimulating. My DD used to fall asleep when I closed my eyes, and made my breathing very regular, just sitting beside her cot for example.

You will find something that works.