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Transition from co-sleeping - help me with a plan

17 replies

Sideofnoreturn · 12/05/2021 05:25

Baby is 6 months old and ebf (has been on solids for a few weeks and is a great eater). She has coslept from birth. We have a next2me but she’s never settled in it. Now she’s 6 months I want my evenings back!

She goes to sleep at 7-8pm and I’d like to be able to put her down in the next2me and go downstairs instead of just sitting with her all evening. I don’t mind night feeds and I don’t mind cosleeping after I’ve gone to bed.

I can’t work out how to do this gently though - is it worth putting her into the next2me while asleep so she at least wakes up in there? Or should I start with trying to get her to fall asleep without feeding?

During the day she sleeps in the pram or sling. She wakes every 2-3 hours at night but falls back to sleep within minutes when I feed her and I don’t mind that too much.

@FATEDestiny I feel like you might have some good advice 🤞🏻

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FATEdestiny · 12/05/2021 09:43

I’d like to be able to put her down in the next2me and go downstairs instead of just sitting with her all evening. I don’t mind night feeds and I don’t mind cosleeping after I’ve gone to bed.

What you're asking for there is a rainbow sparkle unicorn that produces chocolate milk - it doesn't exist in the real world and won't happen. Even if you tried to achieve this in a non-gentle route, it wouldn't work. So I think step 1 here is realistic expectations.

Your baby needs consistency.

So if baby is to sleep in the Next2Me*, then baby needs to settle to sleep in the cot, then needs to be consistantly settled and resettled in there throughout the night.

*Aside note - if you're going to sleep train to get baby sleeping separately, is do this in the full sized cot (still next to your bed though) not the Next2Me. Then you don't have to deal with another change as she gets too big for the crib.

Half-measures never work in the long term. While it is postie to teach her to go to sleep in the cot at the start of the night, to then not consistantly follow it through means that the act of teaching her has not only achieved nothing, but also will longer term cause her more sleep difficulties because of the inconsistency in approach creating confusion in expectations.

So Step 1 - Decide if you want to cosleep, or want baby sleeping independently?

If you're happy with cosleeping, then ratger than getting her to sleep in the cot, instead make your bed safe for her to be left on. It is entirely reasonable for her to be left unattended on your bed, now she is 6 months old. Some things you could do:

  • the safest is swap to a floor bed. Ditch your bed frame and move your matresss onto the floor.
  • place pool noodles under the bottom sheet around all edges of the bed. This makes enough of a barrier to stop accidental rolling off.
  • Add bed guards all the way around
  • like tons of cushions on the floor around the bed, in case she dies roll off. Old sofa cushions are great for this- check Facebook/Freecycle for people giving away old/tatty sofas. Just get the cushions from them.
  • From when baby can crawl, actively teach how to get off the bed safely (crawl backwards to edge, dangle legs over the edge while keeping hands/torso on bed, dangle and drop feet first.
  • Use a baby monitor do you can tell quickly if baby wakes, respond immediately.
Schrutesbeets · 12/05/2021 09:48

I pretty much could have written this post myself...
I also need similar advice - I have a 7mo who is BF and CS. Usually he falls asleep on me on the sofa at 7pm, wakes around 8pm, then we both come up at 9pm to bed. He wakes frequently through the night however as his preference would be to have my nipple all night.
I also want to regain some semblance of an evening and then get sleep at night!

Sideofnoreturn · 12/05/2021 09:53

Thank you @FATEdestiny that makes sense. I’d thought that the next2me might make a good transition from my bed to her cot but sounds like that’s not a good idea.

I don’t want to carry on cosleeping - my aim is to get her sleeping independently. Ideally gently but in weeks rather than months if that’s possible?

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Sideofnoreturn · 12/05/2021 09:54

Solidarity @Schrutesbeets! 💪🏻

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Poppy709 · 12/05/2021 10:12

We have coslept since the 4 month regression, have a cot sidecarred to our bed, used habit stacking to build other sleep associations and now we can put him into his cot after bedtime routine and he falls asleep with a back rub. This took months of transition though to do gently. It’s hit and miss in the night, he still wakes every 2 hours and sometimes is happy to settle in his sidecar, sometimes needs me to snuggle him, but he pretty much always stays asleep on his own from 7.30 - 10.30. This actually got a lot better when he started to roll and sleep on his front.

FATEdestiny · 12/05/2021 10:20

A sidecar cot would be a gentle route to sleeping independently. This is a normal cot with one side removed (easily done with an Allen key) and then butted up to your bed. If your cot is a cotbed, even better because these are even bigger.

The benefit of a sidecar cot (full sized cot) over a next2me is size. You can physically fit the whole of your torso in there to cuddle close to baby and wrap yourself around her. But then extract yourself back into your bed once settled/asleep.

If you are aiming for independant sleep then you'll need to stop feeding to sleep. The key aim for good sleep hygiene is baby needs to go to sleep where they (consistantly) stay asleep. So that means baby going from being fully awake to fully asleep all done in the cot. So not feeding to sleep in your arms, not cuddled to sleep or rocked to sleep. But settled entirely in the cot.

Does your baby take a dummy? The act of sucking physically stops any crying so when not feeding to sleep or using a dummy, your baby will cry - a lot, a very lot.

I mention these things because of another unrealistic hope that you mention - you want to do it gently, but in weeks rather than months.

There are many gentle routes. But we would be talking many months to get from cosleep/feed to sleep to independant sleep. Expect 12 months from here.

There are many extreme methods - you could reasonably expect to get your baby sleeping independently within a week and established within 3 weeks. But I would absolutely ever advise this when your/start point is Cosleeping. This is the biggest possible change for baby and would be incredibly distressing and confusing for your baby.

Then there are lots of middle-ground options. But these are unlikely to be what is call gentle. Certainly not harsh and uncompassionate, you can still deal with the change in a loving and caring way. But nonetheless your baby would almost certainly be very distressed and cry a lot while learning.

So again, this comes down to your expectations with regards to wanting independant sleep. Ask yourself:

  • Can I be consistent? Even when it's 3am and I'm on my 4th wake up, not think 'stuff it, I'm in too knackered for this, im cosleeping'
  • Can you deal with the crying and distress? When you're already exhausted yourself, you may not have the emotional reserves to deal with it night now. And that's OK.
  • Are you happy and ready to stop breast feeding to sleep? As we all know, breastfeeding is about much more than calories.
  • Are you ready to tackle this for daytime naps too?

Your OP reads like you are actually quite happy to continue naps on you and cosleeping through the night. There are ways to make this kind of attachment parenting easier to live with, rather than having to change them.

Sideofnoreturn · 12/05/2021 11:32

Thank you. I am willing to put up with some crying - I know she will protest at change and as long as I’m not leaving her alone I don’t mind that (eg I’d be happy for her to cry in my arms, or some kind of pick up put down). I just don’t know which method to use or where to start as I’ve read so much stuff I feel overwhelmed with it.

If I want her to nap in the cot do I have to do all naps in there? I have a 3 year old as well so it’s handy to have the pram as an option so I can take him out etc. My eldest did all naps in the pram but slept fine in the cot at night. Not sure how I achieved this!

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FATEdestiny · 12/05/2021 13:17

Pram would be fine for daytime naps. Or a bouncy chair if you have one. The change needed for daytime naps is that baby sleeps independently of you (So not on you or in your arms) and isn't fed to sleep.

As to where to start: I'll take your wish to sleep train quickly as a priority over how much distress is caused (this may not be your prorities, you need a good think about what is your priority here).

Move your feeds away from sleep time. So at bedtime feed at the start of bedtime routine not the end. For example feed downstairs on the sofa and then have a bath/wash into night clothes and bedtime. For daytime naps feed when waking up, not going to sleep. So baby goes in the pram/bouncer/cot awake and not fed.

For daytime - Use movement of the bouncer/pram to get baby to sleep. If possible slow and stop the movement once asleep. Restart movement when first stirring to try and lengthen the nap. Also limit awake time in the day (awake window wants to be around double nap length) to avoid baby getting over tired and making getting to sleep harder.

At night, move the full sized cot into your room and remove one side. Put baby into cot awake, ideally with a dummy, having been fed earlier and well winded but awake.

Physically have your torso in the cot. One arm holding both of baby's hands in yours on baby's stomach area (This is to stop arms flaying around). Other arm either encircling baby's head or if you get lots of leg kicking, arm on baby's legs to still them while in the cuddle.

Baby will cry. A lot. Be caring and compassionate about it. But keep going. Cuddling, have your face close to baby's, shushing and white noise may help. Keep on cuddling, keep going through the tears until baby goes to sleep in the cot.

Remember your baby doesn't know how to do this without sucking, so don't get frustrated that it takes a long time with lots of crying. It will, this is to be fully expected.

What's important is that you don't "waste" the distress you cause. If you've gone through all of that distress at bedtime, then don't confine through the night, then there is no reason for that initial distress in the first place.

So at night, try to resettle without feeding (Ideally with a dummy) and start thinking about limiting night feeds and moving all calories to the daytime so none are needed at night. You could night wean. If you have to feed then obviously do. But feed sitting up and try to keep baby awake. Unlatch before baby us asleep and move baby upright on your shoulder to wind. This should rouse enough so baby isn't asleep when being put in cot. Then do your same in-cot settling to get her to sleep, even if crying.

Poppy709 · 12/05/2021 16:42

Just to say if you decide that the faster way isn’t for you (no judgement if it is - I was very nearly at that point) then the habit stacking I mentioned you can find on Instagram Lynsey hookway explains it in more detail. We have gone to settling in the sidecar cot from wide awake with absolutely no distress in 2 months. Basically the idea is you layer different sleep associations on top of feeding (so pat bum/rub back while feeding). We went from feeding - rocking - in cot settling with bum patting and back rubs.

Poppy709 · 12/05/2021 17:53

Just to say if you decide that the faster way isn’t for you (no judgement if it is - I was very nearly at that point) then the habit stacking I mentioned you can find on Instagram Lynsey hookway explains it in more detail. We have gone to settling in the sidecar cot from wide awake with absolutely no distress in 2 months. Basically the idea is you layer different sleep associations on top of feeding (so pat bum/rub back while feeding). We went from feeding - rocking - in cot settling with bum patting and back rubs.

Sunshine1235 · 12/05/2021 18:24

I cosleep but still have my evenings, I just feed baby to sleep lying down on my bed and then sneak away. I keep a video monitor on so I can keep watch from downstairs and check she’s not going to roll off or anything but she just snoozes flat out in the middle. I did this with all of my children until they were 1 and then transitioned to the cot around then when I night weaned which helped with the wake ups

Sideofnoreturn · 12/05/2021 19:20

Thank you @Sunshine1235. I have tried this but she wakes up every 30-60 minutes and takes longer and longer to resettle each time so it’s more trouble than it’s worth. I think the only way I can get her to link her sleep cycles is to break the feeding association, but if there’s another way let me know!

@FATEdestiny thank you again for the detailed advice. She has always just rejected a dummy unfortunately. During the day I do feed her on waking and she falls asleep in a moving pram. Unless we’re going somewhere I don’t move the pram once she’s asleep but keep an eye on the time and start pushing again once it gets to the 40 min mark and that tides her over for the rest of the nap, as you’ve suggested. Her day sleeps are good - an hour in the morning, 1.5-2 hrs after lunch and 45 mins in the evening.

I’m definitely not ready to night wean her yet. Her cot is an oval one (Stokke sleepi) so I don’t think it will work in a sidecar format. I’ll see what it’s like - it’s in pieces in our hallway at the moment.

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Sideofnoreturn · 12/05/2021 19:22

@Poppy709 what were the steps within the 2 month period? I’ve read about habit stacking but Lyndsey also says it might not work so I’m worried about wasting a couple of months of bad sleep for no reason.

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summerdodododododo · 12/05/2021 19:27

I do what @Sunshine1235 does. DD got better over time. She typically wakes after 40 mins so I come back and feed her to sleep for five mins and then she's grand for another two hours, by which point I've usually come to bed. She is nearly 10 months now. This didn't work at 6 months but did by 7.

roarfeckingroarr · 12/05/2021 19:28

Yessss we are in same situ, watching for help.

Poppy709 · 12/05/2021 19:44

So I started just by patting his bum while feeding him to sleep, then if he stirred while contact napping I would pat his bum and give him a jiggle before putting him back on the boob. Then we moved to rocking him to sleep and patting his bum at the same time after about a month maybe? So exactly like @FATEdestiny said his last feed is on the sofa and then upstairs pjs and story them rocked to sleep. My husband had been able to rock him to sleep for naps for a while but he had always fed to sleep at bedtime, he took to rocking ok he was a bit grumpy but not distressed. Then I was a bit stuck at the next point, I was planning on going from rocking then cuddling to sleep but I felt like it wasn’t going to work because I just felt like there was no way he would fall asleep just still any by bedtime I didn’t have the energy to try it but one night I went out for a run and my husband did bedtime and he was just crying while he was trying to rock him to sleep and so he laid him in the cot to give his arms a break and he stopped crying so my husband just patted his bum and he fell asleep! We couldn’t believe it. So there weren’t as many steps for him as some people need. I know for some people it doesn’t work or takes a while to find the right new sleep association for their baby but it might be gentler to break the feed to sleep association before you tackle settling in the cot. You could give it a try for a few weeks and see if you think he’s taking to it? I started with 2 months in mind and thinking if we hadn’t got anywhere we might have to employ some harsher methods!

I haven’t really tackled night wake ups properly yet because like you I’m not ready to night wean but I will do that at around one and hopefully we’ll get less wake ups then!

Good luck! X

Sideofnoreturn · 13/05/2021 19:59

Thanks @Poppy709! I might give that sort of thing a try initially and see how we get on with it. She actually doesn’t seem to like me patting her bum but I could rub her back or something!

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