Unsettled baby

[ThisIsMyLifeNow]

I need reassurance this isn't my life forever!

My son is 9 weeks old now & since he was born has wanted to be held constantly. He won't go in bassinett, he hates the pram, he is breastfed but won't feed to sleep. He has tolerated a soother since about 6 weeks but doesn't hold it in & we've tried a few different shapes none with much success. He only sleeps in the stretchy wrap during the day & in bed beside me at night. He sleeps ok in both of these but I feel housebound & he's getting heavier so I'm not sure how long I can continue to carry him for naps! He is meeting his milestones & happy enough once we carry him constantly but I need to shower & wash my hair & get dressed & would love to go for a long walk with the pram but can't walk far with him strapped to me as my back gets sore & we both end up sweaty! The wrap is getting dirty but if I wash it I'll have nothing to carry him with & it's so much material it'll take days to dry. I feel like this is all my own fault, that I've set up this situation myself & not sure how to get out of it! I look at my friends & see much more contented babies & wonder what I'm doing wrong. He seems like so much more work but I feel like it's work I'm making for myself.

Just FYI, I'm pretty sure he doesn't have reflux/silent reflux as he does lie flat in bed beside me at night & sleeps pretty well, waking up to feed occasionally while lying beside me. He was a bit colicky from weeks 4-7 but much more settled recently with only occasional evening upsets when overtired

Firstly, it's not your fault at all. I parented my first son exactly the same as my second and they were COMPLETELY different babies. My first was a dream newborn , it was a miracle he was ever awake and you'd never know he was there but my second was a genuine nightmare, like you say so unsettled hated everything but being in my arms.

He had some trouble having a poo and passing wind so we took him to an osteopath and it made a great difference but he was still just a fussy baby. He's 9 months old now and since about 6/7 months he's been a dream so content and laid back but those first few months were hard. They feel like a distant memory now but when you're in the thick of it it's awful.

Sorry I can't offer much practical advice other than reassurance that you're definitely not doing anything wrong and as bad as it sounds it really is just down to sheer luck and I know it's the worst when people say he'll grow out of it etc but it's true , it does get easier I promise.

Thank you!

My mum keeps telling me that he'll get bad habits & I'll have to be firmer with him. I just don't think leaving him to cry is something I can do. And I know they say babies aren't manipulative or can't have bad habits but sometimes I feel like I've given him the bad habit!

It's reassuring to hear that this is temporary though & that it's not something I'm doing wrong. I really appreciate you taking the time to reply

This isn’t your life forever and it isn’t your fault. You are doing everything correctly by meeting your DS’ needs. I say that as someone who could have written this word for word 9 months ago. I was so skinny from doing tens of thousands of steps a day wearing the sling! Everything you’ve described is entirely normal newborn behaviour. It’s ridiculously hard and it doesn’t meet society’s expectations of a ‘good baby’, but I promise you it’s normal. I now have a 10.5 mo who loves the buggy, is happy to sit on the floor and look at his toys long enough for me to make our meals and he naps in his cot (but still co sleeps at night I’m afraid 😬).

To make your life easier now, you should still be completely comfortable carrying a 9 week old in a sling. I still regularly use the carrier with my DS who weighs 11kg! If it’s hurting you it implies you aren’t using it correctly or potentially you need to look at something different - we upgraded from the stretchy to a structured sling at about 9 weeks (the Tula Explore, which we adore, but lots of other brands available). Might be something to consider to save your back!

Ours hated all forms of transport initially, including sling and pram, but also wouldn't nap in her Moses basket so we were forced to persist with both sling and pram for naps (by persist, I mean we went on a lot of walks where she would scream for the first 15 mins before falling asleep). Lo and behold, she is now fine with both (but no longer naps in the sling as she's too busy looking at everything). So I would definitely recommend persisting with the pram - also, once he's a bit bigger and you want to be able to have him nap out and about while you do stuff, it will be useful if he sleeps in there so you're not always lumbered with a baby!

Also, I would second getting a structured baby carrier. We started with a stretchy wrap but had swapped over entirely to a carrier by about 3.5 months - in our case because she was very wriggly in the wrap. But the carrier is more comfortable and supportive, especially as she got heavier (we have the Ergobaby Omni 360, but there are many good ones out there - we justified the crazy price on the fact that it can be used for back carry also so will hopefully get use into the toddler years)

Don’t listen to people that tell you your baby will get into “bad habits”. This is usually the older generation who say things like this. You can’t spoil a newborn baby. Google the fourth trimester. You won’t make your baby more clingy by holding them. Clinginess is a personality thing, in my experience

Same here and it got better - little sweetheart now

Every baby is different. Some will sleep anywhere, by themselves, link sleep cycles and feed every four hours.

Some will only sleep when held, eat every hour and hate the buggy/car/bouncy chair.

My baby was the latter. He slept well until 8 weeks and since then I've had to hold him for at least half the night. He only slept in the sling from 2 weeks on and screamed in the car and the buggy. If transferred to his bed during the day he would wake after 30 minutes.

He's five months tomorrow, and has been having a few buggy naps the last two weeks. Not every nap, but getting more and more regular. Today he had a 3hr nap and then 2.5hrs this afternoon, and only needed rocking for a minute after 30 minutes and that was it. And two nights ago I woke up at 6 am to him blowing raspberries in his cot, having slept in his own bed again after both night feeds. That hasn't happened for 3 months.

And we've done all of this with no stress to either of us, no leaving him to cry, just waiting until he felt safe and secure enough to sleep alone. We kept trying every now and then and he slowly got used to it.

It will get better! In the meantime, a properly fitting sling/carrier shouldn't hurt your back. My DS is enormous and he's still in a stretchy wrap and it's comfy for me. See if there's a sling library near you and they can help you fit it properly.

Swaddling a baby makes putting them down easier (especially if teamed with a dummy).

As much as it may be unpleasant to hear, the more you get baby used to sleeping independently the sooner they will sleep independently. That need not involve any crying though.

But I would not advocate 'oh it's ok, just carry on holding for all naps'. Because that could end up being a hard habit to break the longer it continues.

Thanks so much for all of your replies & reassurance & advice!

I bought a Woombie & it just arrived today. I fed him & popped him in it & put him in the pram to walk down to collect my 4 year old. For about 2 kilometers I walked in peace & thought this is incredible, it's magic! Then I realised he was wide awake the entire time but quiet. A half win?! Then he started to cry so the last half Km was more like a regular walk for us. I stuck out the crying which I haven't done before either & he fell asleep after 5mins for about 40mins. Still, it wasn't the worst walk I've taken with him. Going to try the Woombie for naps indoors tomorrow again & hope it helps!

I looked up the Tula & Ergo carriers, and I was telling my sister-in-law about them when she mentioned she had a 2nd hand Ergo that she didn't need anymore! I've cleaned it up & ordered the newborn insert she didn't have & will transition to that from the stretchy wrap. I checked with the instructions of my stretchy wrap & watched online videos & tweeked a few things but it still starts to strain after a full day wearing it so I think long-term it's not sustainable for me.

Otherwise it's the stretchy wrap & lots of housework for us for now 😂 I'll keep trying him every so often for naps down & it's so helpful to hear that so many of you have babies that sound like mine & this is normal & it will pass.