I hate bedtime

[shiny888]

So my DD is 2 years old. And the last 4 weeks bed time is so difficult. She's taking up to 3 hours to go to sleep with me. Iv tried no Naa in the day but this leads to frequent waking in the night.
It's driving me insane- please help

**no nap that should say

What is she doing in those 3 hours? What are you doing?

I second what the above poster has asked.

What are you doing once she's in bed?

We've always followed a strict bedtime routine, from a young age.

Toilet, drink, story, bed. Lights out (they like the hallway light on) and leave the room. If they get out, put them back. Again, and again if necessary.

@FATEdestiny a lot of the time she is just fighting going to sleep. Like she will be drifting off and then she just fights it.
She uses a lot of excuses like she needs a wee. She's hungry. She needs a new nappy.
I'm laying with her the whole time.
Sometimes she will hit, bite, pinch me. That's hard.
I just feel like I'm doing something wrong.
She isn't like it with her dad

@mrsb06 she has a bed time routine but it is loose, it always has been as I suffered really bad with PND and I'm still struggling now. So this probably doesn't help.

But she brushes her teeth, has a story and then we say good night to the bunny's and go upstairs to her bed. I lay with her.
I have tried leaving her in her room on her own - she thinks it's a game and doesn't back down ever

[quote shiny888]@FATEdestiny a lot of the time she is just fighting going to sleep. Like she will be drifting off and then she just fights it.
She uses a lot of excuses like she needs a wee. She's hungry. She needs a new nappy.
I'm laying with her the whole time.
Sometimes she will hit, bite, pinch me. That's hard.
I just feel like I'm doing something wrong.
She isn't like it with her dad [/quote]
The obvious answer is Dad does bedtimes.

If this is impossible, basically you need to get strict. This is a behaviour issue not a sleep issue - she's pushing boundaries and trying yo get away with unwelcome behaviour. You need to stay very firm that there is zero tolerance on unwelcome behaviour.

A mantra is useful. A statement that you constantly repeat parrot fashion over and over again. Make sure it includes off of your expectations in simple toddler language. My favoured would be: It's sleep time now. We lie down quietly in bed and stay still at bedtime. Nan night

Then prep her and be firm.

So there will be no excuses. She must (1) lie in her bed (2) be quiet (3) be still. And nothing else is acceptable. So there is no going for a wee, changing nappy, having food/drink. Certainly no biting, kicking, punching.

Make absolutely sure you've ticked all boxes before bedtime. Lots of fluids through the day and a drink before bed. Lots of high quality calories in the day and supper before bed. Have a wee before brushing teeth and a second wee "just to check" after brushing teeth. Fresh nappy.

Then stand firm. You are expecting her to be

• lying down
• Quiet
• still

If she goes for sitting up, starts fussing, starts moving around - be in Tell Her Off mode. Sturn/cross face. Stand her up in front of you, kneel to her eye level, eye contact, cross face and No! It's sleep time now. We lie down quietly in bed and stay still at bedtime. Nan night.

Pause with the Mum Stare (to get point across) then resettle back into bed and start again, giving her another chance yo do as you expect her to. Repeat that mantra with any whiff of a suggestion of pushing boundaries.

Repeat over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. Same every night. Same all the time.

It absolutely blows my mind how many posters on here haven't had an evening to themselves since before their children were born because they seem to think they have to spend upwards of 3 hours a night in their children's rooms! It flabbergasts me.

I'll likely get flamed but so be it. These children are totally ruling the roost when it comes to bedtimes. They think they need you to help them fall asleep because they know it's an option and it's gone too far. Of course they'll kick up a fuss now, because they've got so used to it.

You need to do the right thing - for your own sanity. As PP has said, this isn't a sleep issue, it's a behaviour one. Implement a very clear, consistent routine, as I've said above. "Bedtime," is all your really need to say when you've returned her to bed for the umpteenth time. It will be hell for a while, but it will pay off in the end.

My DD (almost 2) was playing up for a while. I now just have a really set routine, do the same things every night in the same order and say lots of things in the run up to bedtime to signal that’s it’s almost time for bed (“let’s go upstairs now and get ready for bed”, then “let’s go and say goodnight to Daddy” then after a story “let’s get into bed and say good night to bunny”) once she’s in bed I leave the room quite quickly and just say goodnight, I find if I hesitate at all or hang around she’ll latch onto that and want me to stay with her.

It can be really hard but agree with others that you might need to just try being quite firm and leaving the room. She’ll probably cry or shout for you for the first few evenings but will quickly learn.

One of these could help or any audible stories . The leap story plays stories there is about 36 you can download more , there is songs, lullaby music, a calming night light and the best bit for my son is a projector onto the ceiling while the stories etc are playing .

This is what we have done since our son was around 2 .
You need a very positive routine ,
Dinner
Play (Calming wind down play , drawing , reading , etc
Curtains closed , night lights on keeping it dark as possible and relaxed.

Shower or even better nice bath, teeth.
Sing lots of lullabies and soothing songs while drying , getting dressed etc
Wee , drink
Bedtime story in her own bed
No talking just constant putting back into her own bed with no reaction from you, you can stay in the room just get a little bit further near the door each time , just don't talk .
We sang alot , calmed our son down ALOT.
it is so difficult as every child is different .

He now listens to his story cube which is on a timer and he falls asleep on his own .

You can only try different things , you will get there and it will get easier . Xx

Can Dad do it more often?

I completely understand, my eldest and youngest have been the same.

I did find that often me sitting with them actually made them more excited/agitated and if I wasn't in with them they went to sleep quicker.

Would she let you leave if there is a story playing and perhaps fall asleep to them? (You could say you will come up when the stories end).

Would a sticker chart help? It occasionally helped mine but not all children are motivated by stickers.

It's really hard so I feel for you.

@FATEdestiny

Thank you for the tips.
I'm making it my mission over the weekend to come up with a new routine and plan to put in place ready for Monday . Fingers crossed it works 🙂

@mrsb06 yeah I think you guys are right and it's a behavioural thing so I need to crack down 😅. I'm going to use the weekend to come up with a plan and implement it on Monday

@TheMotherlode did you use to lay with your little one before you started to leave her to go to sleep in her own?
My daughter is only use to being cuddled to sleep. It use to be breast fed to sleep but I stopped that about 6 months ago 😅

Lying with her is only worth it if it works. It doesnt work.

Gate on the door, remove anything dangerous, pop her in the bed/cot with a night light and a few books/teddies in with her. Leave.

If she gets up and screams then go in, no eye contact, lie her down and say "bedtime". Leave.

Each time you then go back in - do the same. It will take 100 times or more.

Tomorrow night it will take 90...
Then 50....
Then 2...

@lms2017 oh we brought Moshi last week and to be honest it has helped slightly.
I think we need more of a structured routine though.
I like the sounds of your routine it's very gentle and calm, I think I will use the story idea for bed time too, see if that helps her stay in the room on her own (I'm doubtful though as she's o ly ever use to me and her dad cuddling her to sleep) xx

@scrivette I think your right that me being in there is causing her more excitement than settling, we brought Moshi last week so I'm defo going to try leaving that play for her on her own. I think I have to get her a night light first. Hate the thought of her laying there in the dark 😅. Gosh I'm too soft haha

@shiny888 I guess I’ve just been gradually phasing back at bedtime. I fed her to sleep until she was around 15 months, then moved to rocking to sleep, then for a few weeks started putting down and staying with a hand on her chest until she fell asleep. Starting putting down and leaving at around 18 months. I think it’s was easier to do it gradually like this as she was younger and adapted each time, toddlers are a different matter though and will keep pushing the boundaries so I’d maybe just try going straight to putting down and leaving the room.

@shiny888 good plan. It's obvious you've identified it as a big issue and I think it's a good thing you want to sort it sooner rather than later. I have known of people with children aged 6+ who still won't fall asleep on their own . Good luck! It will pay off in the end.

[quote mrsb06]@shiny888 good plan. It's obvious you've identified it as a big issue and I think it's a good thing you want to sort it sooner rather than later. I have known of people with children aged 6+ who still won't fall asleep on their own . Good luck! It will pay off in the end. [/quote]
Yes, this is my SD, she is 7.5 now and has never gone to sleep on her own, which also means if she wakes during the night she freaks out and cries because she has never learnt how to settle herself.

It is so worth getting them into a routine where you don't need to sit with them until they fall asleep, my SS has told us that his mum still spends an hour and a half sitting in SD's room with her at times, it's just mad.

One thing that used to help me when I was younger is listening to a story on tape? I know she's obviously a little on the young side but is there anything you can get where she can control it herself, like press a button to tell her a story or play lullabies? Audible is a good idea but I guess you still have to control that for her, which just gives her another excuse to call out for you when one story ends.

some good advice here.

I did teeth/pjs first, we read book in bed, then had a cuddle and a kiss goodnight, then it was sleep time.

I had to do the rapid return technique with mine.
So first time they'd get told nicely 'its bedtime, go to sleep' and put back to bed.
Second time they just got 'its bedtime' and put back.
Then it was returned to bed in silence, no eye contact, as many times as it took.

First couple of nights were sheer hell, but by 3rd night they got the point, by a week, not a problem. (within reason, one is autistic and doesn't sleep well AT ALL, but he got the point about staying in bed)

If you have kids who can't sleep without you there, the other thing to try is 'gradual withdrawal'

You basically start off sat by them, on the floor/in a chair/wherever, and hold a hand, or stroke their arm...etc
Gradually, each night you reduce the physical contact, then when they can sleep without you touching them, you start sitting a bit further away each night until you're sitting outside their door.

I used this one with both mine, then rapid return when they both went through a regression when they were older.

@shiny888 I'm here with you. 21 month old exactly the same. He used to self settle but the last few months have been absolute hell on earth! For all the posters who say they can't understand this, every child is different. You must have had an easy one. I've paid a sleep consultant recently which hasn't worked. At the end of my tether to be honest. Helpful advice appreciated...

Bumping to save this thread it's got some fab tips!!