15 month old refusing to settle for me

[MyCatHatesOtherCats]

I am at my wit’s end with our 15 month old DC and would welcome advice. He has never been a brilliant sleeper. He is still breastfed (this is relevant).

He has a solid bedtime routine (bath, pyjamas, Night Garden and milk downstairs). At the point where he goes up with DH, he is taken into his darkened room, put in his sleeping bag, cuddled for a few minutes, white noise and musical frog on (the latter times out after 20 minutes), put in cot, laid down, and DH stays with one hand on him for reassurance while he drifts off to sleep. Great, no?

Except he won’t do this with me at all and we are getting to a point where I am going to need to do more bedtimes without DH there and I don’t know what to do.

I have no problem at nap time but he won’t go down in the same way - I have to feed to sleep then transfer to cot, but he naps wel so no problem. But at bedtime he will not even lie down in the cot! Total hysterics, real upset - but nor will he feed to sleep. The last time I did bedtime it took an hour. DH is downstairs within 10-15 minutes.

We are also having the same trouble at night - he has traditionally co-slept with me from first wake-up. He’s now going much longer before waking - this week until 0430/0500, after a 1900 bedtime, though I’ve probably jinxed it by typing it. But he will not settle to co-sleep with me in the bed or even lie down in his cot. (Of course, he will for DH...) It’s as if the breastfeeding is a distraction but he won’t go without it.

So here is my dilemma. I’m not sure whether to consider night weaning, which I’d originally thought I would do in the summer. I’m back at work and I’m sure some of his BF habits are related to that. But we need me to be able to get him down at bedtime without too much fuss as we have a rather demanding 5 year old as well. Any thoughts? As I said, what is maddening me is that I do exactly the same as DH but he won’t respond to it! And he is clearly tired when he wakes in the night as he will go back to sleep for DH....

As you summise, this is entirely to do with associating you with breastfeeding. Where he both wants it but also doesn't.

I don't think you can sort it as you want to unless you wean. I suspect you'll need to wean totally, not just night wean. Otherwise the association will still remain.

The other option is to work your routines around DH doing all bedtimes and any night wake ups with LO. It really isn't a problem for him to take over and do everything bedtime related, if that is physically doable in your household. It won't be forever, once baby is older and naturally weaned then you can start taking back the reins then.

Thanks for replying! We have basically gone for the latter option of DP dealing with everything sleep-related but this isn’t ideal in terms of things like me taking the DCs to visit family when it’s allowed.

I was hoping not to have to wean. I’ve been pursuing a don’t offer, don’t refuse strategy for some time now but I would prefer him to naturally self-wean.

Hmm. I didn’t think there’d be an easy answer. It’s frustrating because I wouldn’t mind him behaving differently for me, eg he feeds to sleep for naps. It’s as if he won’t accept that as an option in the night, which is what’s odd - if he wouldn’t do it full stop, I’d assume it wasn’t working for him but it clearly does in the day!

How long have you been trying to do the bedtime routine? I think you need to persevere.

DO oyu feed him downstairs for naps and then carry upstairs to the cot once he is asleep? Was this the same when you tried at bedtime?

No, his sleep routine if we’re at home is the same every sleep - curtains drawn, white noise/frog on, into sleeping bag, cuddle on bed. DH then puts him straight into the cot and keeps a hand on him. He won’t generally stay there for me and keeps trying to stand up and then gets distressed so I sit on the bed and feed him, then transfer when he’s pretty much asleep.

I haven’t done the bedtime routine very much at all, because we’ve just stuck with what works and our DC1 is quite unsettled after lockdown and me going back to work and is clingy with me. So normally we each do one child if both at home; if it’s just one of us, obviously that’s different.

But I have always done all the night wakings and co-slept, and that is just not working any more!