Toddler no longer self settling

[pigglepot]

I taught my daughter to self settle when she was about 4 months old by patting her bottom to sleep for a few nights and then after that she was able to get to sleep unaided within about ten minutes. She would never cry - only a few shouts before falling asleep.

She's now 14 months and seems to have lost this ability. She becomes absolutely hysterical when we leave her to try to fall asleep on her own so we now pat her to sleep all the time which is very disruptive and a bit stressful and can take a long time. We have tried to leave her for short periods to fall asleep on her own but she becomes totally hysterical which makes getting her to sleep even harder.

We don't want to cry it out in any way. Has anyone been through this? Any advice or info on how it ended up?

It may be separation anxiety? As in, she's more aware now that you are separate to her and can leave her.

If you don't want to try controlled crying, have a look into the gradual retreat method. Did this with my DS who's 6 not too long ago as it's great for many (all?) ages.

Good luck x

Could be separation anxiety, based on her age. I would see it as a short (could be few days to a few weeks) phase and aim to find the least stressful way through it. I remember reading the advice of not starting a new habit to solve a temporary problem, as you're then left with the habit to break (unless it is a positive one...).

When my DC had separation anxiety, we found it helpful to talk about bedtime during the day, to explain the routine when noone was tired or upset. To be honest, I don't know if anything we did made the difference but we just stuck to some basic rules that worked for us - e.g. Once in the cot we wouldn't lift them back out again but we would stroke/cuddle them as much as needed - and it did pass.

Bedtimes are stressful, I hope they improve for you soon.

It's been like this for months!! We assumed it was because of the 12 months sleep regression and/or because we moved house but two months later and we are still patting her to sleep each night and for naps too when she's here. I don't think it helps that they comfort them to sleep at nursery too so she has it all the time now.

I agree it's probably separation anxiety but I'm so worried she will end up not being able to get to sleep on her own at all and I really can't cope with crying it out. It feels so desperately cruel to me.

@modge how long did it take for your little one to get used to self settling again?

Similar here. DS lost the ability about 6 months ago and hasn't got it back yet (although he settles fine at nursery). To be honest, I don't really mind it (albeit I normally give up if he doesn't fall asleep in 10/15 mins and go and play instead) and therefore haven't done anything to change it. It definitely coincided with separation anxiety for us.

@pigglepot I honestly (and unhelpfully) can't remember. Weeks rather than days, but not many months. The gradual retreat method might be worth considering as a PP said, that way you're not just leaving her but also have some sense of helping her towards independence.

My DC is now 3 and I would say (sorry) that once the separation anxiety issue sorted itself out, we then had another sleep blip at about 18 months and then again at about 27 months which was prompted by moving from a cot to a bed. I don't say that to make you despair but more to mean that this isn't your one and only chance to 'fix' her sleep that will then see her through childhood (I might be projecting my own experience here!). She may well have another couple of tests as she figures out life as a toddler not a baby, but she will get there.

@mynameiscalypso I'm glad it's not just me then!! Out if interest how do you get him to sleep when you've given up and taken him to play?

@modge I will do some reading on the gradual retreat method but I don't know how it would work with her- as soon as you step away she starts standing up and howling so I can't imagine her actually falling asleep with us in the room but not touching her!

Thanks for the reassurance- I feel a bit lost with it really. I was so proud of myself for teaching her to self settle when she was tiny but I feel at a loss to know how to help her now. This evening I tried putting her down really calm after a feed then left the room but she immediately stood up and threw her comforter out of the cot repeatedly so that we would keep going back in and got herself so worked up that she then became nearly impossible to get to sleep. I ended up having to breastfeed her to sleep which again I wouldn't mind but it only works about 50% of the time now.

To make matters worse she gets up between 5 and 6am too!! 😭

[quote pigglepot]@mynameiscalypso I'm glad it's not just me then!! Out if interest how do you get him to sleep when you've given up and taken him to play? [/quote]
We basically just do bedtime again. So I take him out his sleeping bag. Sometimes he has water / steals our dinner. Very occasionally he has milk. Then when he seems a bit more tired and he starts flopping on one of us, we do the routine again (teeth, sleeping bag and song).

@pigglepot I think it helped me to separate the baby sleep help from toddler help. At 4-6 months it was a very physical, practical thing whereas as a toddler, communication and boundaries were much more key. It definitely sounds like your little one is checking/testing boundaries and control in the way they know how - throw something and Mummy will come. Gradual retreat takes time, and it's good because you have control of how much/long each step can be. Again, I can't quite remember when I tried this angle, but I did have success with pre-emptively saying things like "you lie down for a minute, I just have to go and put the washing away/talk to Daddy/say hi to the cat then I'll be back". Not really expecting them to go to sleep, more just to stay in the cot calmly until I got back. I probably started with a 30 second trip out the room then back for a cuddle, then gradually lengthened the time out. Basically focusing on teaching that mummy will go but will always come back.

@modge that's really helpful advice- thank you. Think we might try that. When we leave for an extended period (even a few minutes) she gets hysterical but if we build up to that as you suggest then maybe we can avoid that.