Our 17 month old rules the house & is destroying my marriage

[Dontthowthetoast]

We have a 17 month old.

He rules our house and we are working on that. He is putting huge strain on our marriage. Our 8 year old daughter is miserable and our 8 week old barely gets a look in.
I'm also partially disabled and rely on my husbands help alot and take alot of medication. This all happened during pregnancy so is really recent.

The main issue is his sleep.
He will have a 2 hour co nap with me during the day.

At night he gets ready for bed, has milk and calm time. Then he goes to bed.
We have had to take the cot side off and he was standing laughing and rocking the cot it made it dangerous.

Now we used to.put him to bed and rub his back until he went to sleep. This now doesn't work.

We read him a story in bed, put classical fm on as since birth and have to lie at the side of the bed until he goes to.sleep.

He pulls our hair, scratches, screams, laughs, bites, jumps.up and down
Screams if we leave. Sometimes this can go on for 3 hours.

This means our 8 year old gets no parent time and we struggle with our 9 week old.

When he finally goes to.sleep everyone else is ready for bed too. It's exhausting and painful. He also won't sleep through the night. So I look after the baby and my husband does our ds.

We have 2 weeks off now together over Easter leave and really need to tackle this. We are exhausted and it is destroying my marriage and our family life.

Please can anyone help?

I let my 2 year old stay up playing until she is tried. Often at about 9.30 or 10 she will ask to go to bed and falls asleep within 5 minutes. There is no point battling with a child to go to sleep if they don’t want to sleep. She is normally fine during the day - in a good mood and might occasionally have a nap.

Strict and structured bedtime will also help. My two youngest are bathed no later than 6pm, asleep by 7pm. Lots of cuddles and stories before they sleep.

7pm 7.15 would be ideal.

The problem is he is the one only getting attention as we waited so long for him (13 losses) and preparing him for the baby.

He is exhausting. I will look at everyone's tips.

The small age gap was not planned we were told I'd not convince again.

Thank you everyone

its important to remember he is still a baby and his needs do not change just because there is another baby in the house. Please dont put the blame on him for ruining your marriage. Youve taken on a lot.
I had two in quick succession and it is REALLY hard, but 17 months is still so tiny and he needs a lot of attention

@Dontthowthetoast

Hes very good during the day, very loving towards the baby and both have nappy changes together and he brings her toys.

He does talk alot.

He is always on the go never stops,. We live in the countryside but near the beach so he gets a good run everyday.

Our 8 year old loves him but.finds him frustrating. They all bath together which they absolutely love.

He naps 11-1, I think I'm going to have to try repeat and return but I'm so reluctant for him to cry.

Why are you reluctant for him to cry? He has you over a barrel with this behaviour. As long as he is safe and not needing anything, he will come to no harm with controlled crying. As PP said, 5 mins, then 10 mins etc. My DILs parents say they can still remember the night they left her to cry completely, and didn’t go up. They sobbed and clung to each other! But she went to sleep. And continued to do so. And she can’t remember it!

Can your partner not do bedtimes with the 17mth old so you can take care of the new baby. What is he doing with the children that the 8 year old and the new baby dont get a look in. Is everything left to you?

Crikey - my 16 month old is in bed and asleep by 1830 usually. Sounds like over tiredness.

Mine naps 2hrs ish 11-1.

I feed / cuddle DS to sleep and then transfer him to the bed once asleep. I can then get on with my day / evening. Is this an option?

DS does night wake, I just tell him it's night time still and feed / cuddle back to sleep. I do let him co sleep with me but only when I'm in bed anyway so later on in the night. He has to sleep in his cot until I go to bed.

As and when I have DC2 I plan to allow DS to co sleep still and have DC2 in a side sleeper. Could you do this?

DS is a late Walker and is really suffering with teeth right now. He's just started walking independently. His sleep is outrageous right now. Could it be something temporary.

I wouldn't battle for 3 hours. Honestly I'd just try for a sensible time and if it's not working try again later.

Would he lie and look at a light projector? Both have found ours quite calming.

What about swapping the Classic fm for some quiet audiobooks? There are some playlists/albums on Spotify.

We go up at 6.30 me and dh take it in turns to put him to bed and swap if it gets too much.
I've always used classic fm but could change it.
I've always mainly cuddled him to sleep until he's dosy then transferred him. We'll both of us have.

Dh does more than his fair share with everything he couldn't do a better job tbh.

It's been ds sleep since day dot. I wonder if it's because he was breastfeed for 11 months until my supply went. He still likes to fiddle to get off yo sleep

I'm.bottle feeding the baby because of my condition, she is an absolute angel

What time is he up op?

He gets up at.6.30, he doesnt always sleep through however

Mine are a month younger, similar nap time but they get up a bit later (not today 😩) and go up a bit later. I'd Def try a slightly later bed time.

What time does eldest to to bed? Would she come and sit in his room for a story together?

I'll be honest, mine get wash and bed milk and in chair for some lullaby telly and then up to been. I'll be shot I know cos telly and no bedtime story but we do read to older one. It just isn't part of the routine yet as there's no to to sit in their room. So they go down WITH a bottle about 8, up 7-8ish and nap 11-11.30ish for a few hours. So absolutely no pretence at having it sorted (they wake for water in the night) but it might just be a bit early.

I don't think he is an unusual child in the way he sleeps or behaves for his age. Perhaps leave a bottle propped up in cot at night so he can feed himself or any favourite/new toy with some light on so he can entertain himself. I had a child like this - he slept in marital bed until 6 years old when a new bunk bed placed on a different floor became more interesting than his parents!.

Thank you everyone for their help

I think I’d be tempted to cosleep with him , later bed time , you read/ iPad whatever while he goes to sleep and your daughter gets some evening time with her dad . As you are not breastfeeding you could actually take it in turns to go to bed with the middle one . Seriously it’s not worth battle , they all sort themselves out eventually .

@Floralnomad

I think I’d be tempted to cosleep with him , later bed time , you read/ iPad whatever while he goes to sleep and your daughter gets some evening time with her dad . As you are not breastfeeding you could actually take it in turns to go to bed with the middle one . Seriously it’s not worth battle , they all sort themselves out eventually .

I'd love to do this but it's time with me the eldest one wants. But I'm defo going to discuss this with dh..however his parents are our support network and sometimes have 2 of them overnight not sure how they would manage

I think there are multiple issues here. He was breastfed and although he still isn’t he relies on your physical body.
Then he needs some form of physical comfort when he sleeps. So when he wakes up he’s looking for the same.
I would say, assuming there are no additional needs, that there might need to be some tears. The first thing would be to basically remove all the sleep aids one by one. That includes classic FM. And then when he’s awake during the day explain very clearly and repeatedly what you are going to do. And stick to it.
Keep a diary so you don’t go backwards. And DO NOT expect 3 day miracles or even 7 day miracles. It might well take a good month so you will have to persevere.

No nap during the day and bed at 7 story cuddle leave. Go spend time with your 8 year old poor thing He will get used to it but you must stay strong and after 3 nights he will be settled without a fuss You have to do it for the sake of your other children.

I've had 4 kids and went through this with my first and I also had a very short age gap.... my eldest was 15 months when my next one was born. I tried EVERYTHING. The Gp even gave me a Medicine to make her sleep and it had no effect at all. In the end I gave up and bought a bigger bed. She slept in the middle and the baby slept in his cot. It saved me. When the baby turned 1 he went into his own room and she didn't like that, she was a big girl and so she wanted her own room too. Slept through after that.

Baby 3 and baby 4? They co spirit at the first sign of sleeping issues and we're still ask in their own rooms by 2 1/2 to 3 ish.

11-1 is an early nap for that age, possibly overtired by bedtime. Try pushing it nearer to 12/1. Nap to finish around half 2.

My 15 month old is the same, is he the master of this house right now, my 6 year old is annoying too but the baby has us on our knees. I sympathise

Do you think co napping with you during the day might be part of the problem? From his point of view, you sleep with him during the day so why are you not willing to sleep with him at night?

@applestamper

Do you think co napping with you during the day might be part of the problem? From his point of view, you sleep with him during the day so why are you not willing to sleep with him at night?

100% but I have no way to get out of it now when dh is at work and dd at school and I have the baby and ds ..

This sounds super tough! I have a much younger son and have just started working with the parent and baby coach for sleep issues. She does sleep and behavioural issues for babies and toddlers. Lots of free resources on her website and a great podcast. Might be worth a look or having her 1:1 help?