Please help me change this!

[OhToBeASeahorse]

DD is 5 months. Currently only naps in the sling, cosleeps all night on my arm, i go to bed with her at 7. This isnt sustainable as she is becoming more alert - it's getting harder to keep her alseep against the noise of my toddler and whereas I used to be able to watch TV with DH with her asleep in my arms in bed in the evening this is now disturbing her. I feel like a prisoner.

We have had a weight issue which is resolving but she still needs night feeds and will for a while. That's fine. All I want is for her to be able to nap alone when she turns 6 months so she is properly rested and for her to be able to at least start the night by herself.

For info
She has a side sleeper, rarely been in it
Her own room which is ready for her is better for sleep - much more effective blackout blind and quieter than our room.

Please help me sort this!

She knows nothing but being very close to you any time she sleeps - this is her source of comfort and to feel safe and protected, since she's never learnt other ways to feel comforted, safe and protected when sleeping.

So, if you want to change that in the space of a month - this is going to cause her huge amounts of distress.

It's perfectly possible to make the change in a month and perfectly reasonable to want to. But - you're ability to deal with huge, massive, enormous amounts of her distress without taking steps backwards is the central point in your decision as to what to do next. Because if you cannot do this with 100% consistancy 100% of the time, then you cannot make the change in a month.

There are many gentler ways to approach moving from dependant sleep to independant sleep. But you need a reality check on time-frames involved. You can make progress towards independant sleep in a month. But will be nowhere near actually achieving independant sleep in that time frame (it will be many months, maybe 6 months plus to see significant changes).

So before beginning on how to do this sleep training - Question 1 is - Are you emotionally resilient enough to cope with causing your baby high levels of distress (in the short term)

No I'm not. Progress is fine.i just dont know where to start. We did gentle sleep training with my son at 8 months which worked brilliantly but he had more peace in the day!

All I want is for her to be able to nap alone when she turns 6 months

This is unlikely to happen then, given it is a month away and you're not ready for any sleep training that involves lots of crying.

So Step 1 is adjusting your expectations

As to where to start - forget about her room for now. I would start with making your bed safe for a mobile baby.

• If your cosleeper is crib sized, bring your big cot into your room. Remove one side to make it a sidecar cot. This gives you much more space to physically cuddle into the cot itself.
• If you think the big cot won't fit, take a piece of furniture out (chest of drawers maybe) to fit it in
• A pool noodle under the bottom sheet around the edge of the bed is often enough to stop accidentally rolling off the bed while asleep.
• Add cushions on the floor around your bed to make for soft landing if she rolls off. Old sofa cushions are great for this - facebook is often full of people wanting rid of old sofas, just get the cushions off these.
• When she does start crawlling, straight away start teaching her how to get off the bed safely (crawl backwards, dangle legs over edge, dangle and drop onto cushions).

As for making actual progress in terms of sleep:

• Start with moving your arm out from under her as she sleeps. Wrap it above and over her head so she feels enclosed. Use your other hand on her chest (this is the long term reassurance you are aiming for, just hand on chest). Pat with hand on chest if needed.

• Over time, hand a bit of a gap between your body and hers, keeping one hand over her head and the other on chest.

• Over time stop circling that arm over her head, just hand on chest

• Over time, start removing your hand once she is asleep and rolling away (you may need to encroach on other side of the bed for this).

• Start lying further away as she settles, still have hand on chest. Remove hand once asleep.

• Start using your hand to settle if upset, but then remove hand once she seems settled (while staying lying on bed as usual). If she gets upset again put hand back, but remove it when quiet but not asleep.

• Aim for just settling with your hand on chest, then roll away and wait lying on your bed until asleep. Leave the room (ninja style) once asleep.

• Move to cosleeper cot. Hand on chest to settle. Stay on your bed and wait until asleep, hand back on chest of needed but remove once calm. Stay there and wait until fully asleep. Then leave room ninja style

• Settle in cosleeper and when calm (not asleep) roll yourself to other side of bed and wait until asleep. Roll back and put hand on chest if upset, withdraw when calm.

• Then have a go at putting side back on cot. Hand on chest to settle, you lie on your bed until asleep then leave once asleep.

• Then hand on chest to settle and wait sat on bed, not lying.

• Hand on chest to settle, wait by door until asleep. Go back to settle if needed, withdraw when calm.

• Hand on chest to settle, wait upstairs until asleep, then close door and go.

The above will not be achieved in a month though. I would say 6-12 months.

Thanks so much! We did gradual retreat with our son which followed a similar pattern but was in his own room.

My only problem is that my mattress had a memory foam topper and I feel it's so unsafe. It's why I started putting her on my arm. She used to sleep on her side facing me but would roll toward me and it scared me

Have i fucked this all up?

Sleeping on your arm isn't safe...

Also - can't fit the cot next to the bed, its massive - nothing I can do there.

Safe Sleep guidance says that the baby's sleep surface should be breathable, firm and flat, with a kitemark.

If not - take the mattress topper off until baby is older, or until you feel the risk is tolerable. Remember risk is never going to be zero, it is for you to decide the risk vers benefits.

I cant, it's the top layer of the fecking mattress. It's so annoying. I know my arm isnt safe but it was safer than that. I could move up the spare room but that is next to my toddlers and I dont want to wake him up.

I dont want to sound negative!

@OhToBeASeahorse

Also - can't fit the cot next to the bed, its massive - nothing I can do there.

Cheap IKEA cot for your room, when baby grows out of the crib? Or cheap second hand cot. Anything flatpack can have one side removed.

Or - Consider moving furniture around and/or remove furnature out of your room to fit the cot in. A set of drawers has the same floor space as a cot, or a wardrobe. Bedside tables either side of the bed? Remove these and shove the bed one way to fit the cot the other side.

Maybe - Make the nursery into a temprorary dressing room for you and DH. Put both wardrobes and your drawers in there. Include your dressing table if you have one. Get it all out of your bedroom to make space.

Think creatively!

We could sleep the other way round on the bed and have the cot against the foot of the bed. That would work

@FATEdestiny thanks so much for your help.

1 last question: Given her age, should just give up on the side sleeper crib so she goes into the cot used as a side sleeper?

I would go straight to side sleeper cot

In fact I used side sleeper full sized cot from birth with all four of my children. Saves buying a needless extra bit of kit, means there is no transition of sleep surroundings and most importantly - I can fit the whole of my upper torso, head and arms inside a sidecar cotbed, to effectively cosleep within the cot (waist down on my bed), but then withdraw to my bed (and DH) once baby is settled in the cot.

Thanks! I'm going to try and get her in her cot, even if it means half my body in there too, as soon as I can because I just worry about the safety of the memory foam so much (my first didn't really cosleep)