5 week old won’t sleep unless held day or night - Please help!

[AnniSpanni]

My baby boy is 5 weeks old. He will not sleep, day or night, unless he is being held, preferably by me. Usually his tummy’s pressed to my tummy with his head at my breast (basically conking out after breastfeeding in the laid back position). Sometimes he will tolerate sleeping being held in a similar way by my husband.

Night times are torture. I’m terrified of SIDS so will not allow myself to sleep when he sleeps on me. If I try to put him down so I can sleep he cries instantly, no matter how deep a sleep he appears to be in before I lay him down. The only thing that will settle him is feeding and then the cycle starts again.

He wasn’t like this the first couple of weeks, although he’s never really slept more than an hour or two, day or night, in his crib. I can cope in the day just by spending it on the sofa with him constantly attached to me but I get almost zero sleep at night, maybe an hour or two if I am lucky and that’s only because I am falling asleep by accident with him on me. This is not sustainable and I am really burnt out.

I have tried: white noise; a dummy (he spits it out); waiting until he is in a deep sleep; changing the layers of clothes on him at night in case he is too cold when I put him down; warming his crib with a hot water bottle; lining his crib with a shirt I have worn that smells of me; a sleepyhead; a cosleeping crib; and bed sharing (I feed him on my side but the minute I gently tip him onto his back for safer sleeping he wakes up and cries - he also suckles for hours like this and his latch is quite shallow and painful in this position).

He doesnt appear to have reflux (he rarely spits up) or unusually bad wind.

Is there anything else I can do? I am so desperate. Thanks for your help.

I should have said I have also tried swaddling - he hates it!

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He's at no greater risk of SIDS if you safely co sleep than if he sleeps in a basket. Get a mattress on the floor and sleep with him.

Read up on 4th trimester. This is completely normal. Many hundreds of threads in this forum about the same thing.

Have you got a sling? I really think that's your best option. I liked the baby Bjorn newborn sling - never got the hang of the fabric ones - it changed my life. I used to nap sitting up in a chair with my baby in the sling.

Don't worry, this is just a phase and it won't last forever ... it just feels like it!

Try a different type of dummy, my little boy only settled with mam teats and dummies, wouldn't have any other dummy

Thank you! I do actually have a sling (ergobaby) but haven't really got the hang of it. I will give it a proper go today. If it can at least help me get some naps in the day I might not feel so overwhelmed at night when we can't sleep.

You are describing my dd when she was an infant. I tried everything too, to no avail. Sleep deprivation is awful. The only way I could get sleep was to ask my partner (dd’s Dad) to sit with me as I breastfed in bed and to supervise so that I could fall asleep without worrying. He picked her up when she came off the breast and if she woke up when he put her in her crib he took her into the lounge room to hold her while he watched tv. It was the only way I could get sleep.

Some of the things I tried were to put her in her crib when she was sleepy but still awake and rocking the crib back and forth by pushing on the corner of it. It was working for a bit. She would fall asleep but not stay asleep long enough for me to get any sleep. I tried white noise, didn’t work. I tried different genres of relaxing music which eventually worked when I discovered music she seemed to like (acoustic guitar music and reggae music).

Keep trying, but in the meantime you really need someone to look after your baby so you can get some sleep. Will baby’s dad help? Or do you have a family member or friend who will hold baby for you while you get a good sleep?

Hang in there, it really does get easier.

@jeremypaxo

Have you got a sling? I really think that's your best option. I liked the baby Bjorn newborn sling - never got the hang of the fabric ones - it changed my life. I used to nap sitting up in a chair with my baby in the sling.

Don't worry, this is just a phase and it won't last forever ... it just feels like it!

Napping with baby in a sling is bad advice. You can't keep an eye on baby's position or breathing in the sling if you're asleep, and your position might change. Safe co-sleeping should be fine though, feed lying down on your side and make sure the bed is safe, there is good advice on this site: www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/co-sleeping/ If baby stays latched for hours wait until he's asleep then very gently unlatch him by sliding your little finger in the corner of his mouth to break the latch. Good luck - I had a non-sleeper and the exhaustion is tantamount to torture at times.

@Oceanbliss

You are describing my dd when she was an infant. I tried everything too, to no avail. Sleep deprivation is awful. The only way I could get sleep was to ask my partner (dd’s Dad) to sit with me as I breastfed in bed and to supervise so that I could fall asleep without worrying. He picked her up when she came off the breast and if she woke up when he put her in her crib he took her into the lounge room to hold her while he watched tv. It was the only way I could get sleep.

Some of the things I tried were to put her in her crib when she was sleepy but still awake and rocking the crib back and forth by pushing on the corner of it. It was working for a bit. She would fall asleep but not stay asleep long enough for me to get any sleep. I tried white noise, didn’t work. I tried different genres of relaxing music which eventually worked when I discovered music she seemed to like (acoustic guitar music and reggae music).

Keep trying, but in the meantime you really need someone to look after your baby so you can get some sleep. Will baby’s dad help? Or do you have a family member or friend who will hold baby for you while you get a good sleep?

Hang in there, it really does get easier.

Thank you so much for the support @Oceanbliss

I know some people say it is "normal" but it doesn't feel like it when all the mums from my NCT group are saying their baby was awake for 5 hours in the early evening (not night) or they only got 4 hours sleep last night - what I would GIVE for 4 hours! Even 2! It helps to hear your experience.
I will definitely try different types of music and see if that helps him. The white noise is clearly pointless. And I will try putting him down semi-awake and rocking his crib.

Dare I ask when it got better for you? I've lost count of the amount of times I've Googled "when do babies sleep through" looking for a different answer! Though I'm not really worried about him sleeping through. If he slept on his back without me for two hours at a time - like all the text books tell you - that would be bliss!

Hi OP. There's a reason sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture and it's hard when everyone else says their baby is sleeping for stretches when you're struggling. Whether that's true or not is another matter!

Have you tried a swaddle? That was a real turning point for us in terms of sleep and nap length but I appreciate it doesn't work for everyone.

My DD was the same - I really do sympathise! I felt like I was being tortured and once I hallucinated from the sleep deprivation.

We found the best way to manage was to do shifts with DH. I would go to bed early and sleep for a couple of hours then switch and he would go to bed from say 11-4 then swap again so I could get some extra hours in before he had to go work.

I also used to try and go for a walk so she would fall asleep in the buggy and try and grab 20 mins or so before she woke up again.

It does get better but I remember feeling like I would never sleep again!

@Mizydoscape

Hi OP. There's a reason sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture and it's hard when everyone else says their baby is sleeping for stretches when you're struggling. Whether that's true or not is another matter!

Have you tried a swaddle? That was a real turning point for us in terms of sleep and nap length but I appreciate it doesn't work for everyone.

Thank you @Mizydoscape I forgot to list in the original post that I have tried swaddling (with baby saddle wraps) but he absolutely hates it, bless him!

@giddyasakipper

My DD was the same - I really do sympathise! I felt like I was being tortured and once I hallucinated from the sleep deprivation.

We found the best way to manage was to do shifts with DH. I would go to bed early and sleep for a couple of hours then switch and he would go to bed from say 11-4 then swap again so I could get some extra hours in before he had to go work.

I also used to try and go for a walk so she would fall asleep in the buggy and try and grab 20 mins or so before she woke up again.

It does get better but I remember feeling like I would never sleep again!

Thank you @giddyasakipper That sounds like a good idea and maybe the most practical way of getting through. He doesn't always tolerate my husband and I can't get sleep if he's screaming blue murder with him in the other room but on his good days I might be able to get some sleep in shifts.

If you can get DH to take them out of the house that always helps!

And get some good ear plugs and whack the white noise on for yourself!

I have been where you are and it is seriously tough. The La leche league Sweet Sleep book saved my sanity. It says how to manage this situation safely and is aimed at a bf family. Good luck x

@AnniSpanni I feel you OP! My DD was EXACTLY the same, was just a little monster when it came to sleeping, we used to call her mogwi 😂 Hubby managed to stay out of work for the first 8 weeks and the only way we managed it was in 4-5hr shifts e.g. 6-10 I’d go to sleep, 10-2 My shift, and then hubby would take over etc. Being a brand new mum is hard, especially when it’s your first one and it’s all new to you... I promise you it passes and it’ll be a distant memory before long. Try different dummy brands, because if he likes to suckle all the time for comfort then I’m sure a dummy will help a bit and give your nips a rest... all the brands differ slightly so I’m sure you can find one that sticks, I also found the gro company Bennie the Bear really helpful, I set it to heartbeat and that helped! And try not to fuss him too much at night when he wakes and keep the room nice and dark so he learns the difference between night and day (night time is for sleeping and daytime is for interaction). He’s very young still and they are completely helpless at that age so the crying and fussing is just to alert you, the human condition is still set to caveman, so this is just his way of saying “DON’T LEAVE ME... I MIGHT GET EATEN!!”
Be easy on yourself, if you have to lay in bed all day to cope, that’s ok... Do whatever works for you. And damn those midwives for instilling so much fear in us... that’s all I remember hearing when I was pregnant “SIDS SIDS SIDS” frankly it’s not necessary and creates a lot of anxiety around making the right choice for you and your baby.
You’re doing great Mama!! Be proud and everything will settle in time! I promise xxx

@AnniSpanni P.s. Get some earplugs, and if it’s really bad so you can’t sleep, tell him to put baby in the car and go for a drive. Baby will most likely settle in the car and you can drift off without the noise xx

Much like hardknock we had to do shifts, DS would be brought for a feed during my sleep then taken for burping/ sling etc for another couple of hours til we switched.

AnniSpanni When did it start getting easier? It started getting easier when dd was 12 weeks old. She wasn’t sleeping through, just for longer stretches. I ended up researching safely co sleeping. Like a previous poster said there is a lot of fear created around sids and so I felt a lot of anxiety about it at first. But I also knew from other parents that co sleeping is a pretty normal and natural thing to do and families do it all over the world. As she grew bigger I felt a bit better about co sleeping. She would just help herself to breastfeeding throughout the night and I got more sleep. As for sleeping through without waking during the night she was almost 3. But we had really noisy neighbors who would often make a racket at 1 or 2am and wake us up. DD was 3 when we solved that problem by moving out.

I also used a baby carrier/sling and it was great to have my hands free to be able to do stuff. Like a previous poster mentioned it’s important to check baby’s position so their breathing isn’t compromised. I first had a fabric sling but couldn’t figure out how to use it right so I then got a baby bjorn carrier.