When and how will it get better? 10 w/o

[Paris2019]

FTM and I love my LO... he is 10 weeks now but I am finding things increasingly difficult. Everyone tells me it gets easier at 6/8/12 weeks but I'm seeing no sign of that.

The baby will not sleep in his cot (next2me). He also doesn't like sleeping on his back. The most we ever get is one 2 hour stretch in his cot or moses at the start of the night but that is rare and takes a lot of jiggling, white noise, shushing etc. We're trying gaviscon for silent reflux as he seemed to have some symptoms, he also gets bad trapped wind.

I've resorted to co sleeping but even then he won't sleep on his back - i have to find an alternative position. I follow the safe sleep guidance as much as I can but usually can't sleep myself as I'm having to constantly monitor him. I usually feed him 2-4 times in the night.

Each night is a dilemma - persevere with putting him in cot which is exhausting, or give in and co-sleep which i really don't want to do long term.

He's also now really starting to fight daytime naps. He used to have some stretches in his MB but these are becoming fewer and far between. He also used to fall asleep like a dream in the pram but now it takes ages for him to fall asleep in there and usually only lasts 30-45 mins before waking up and crying (which puts me off going out with him). He really only naps well in the sling or on my chest. He just seems too interested in the world around him to nap and is really cranky if he doesn't.

I am EBF and have started to express so DH can give the odd bottle. LO will take the bottle but not settle afterwards. DH is generally pretty good but gets v easily frustrated if LO is crying for no apparent reason/won't settle, so I am too anxious to leave LO with DH unless I know he's really content and will be easy to look after.

I haven't slept for more than 2 hours in weeks. In the early weeks I was on a massive high and feel like adrenaline got me through. But as LO has got older we seem to be having more sleep issues and I'm now starting to worry these won't resolve themselves as I'd hoped and as people told me they would. I said I wouldn't worry too much til he's 12 weeks but now that is on the horizon I feel some despair that we're in for a rough ride sleep-wise indefinitely.

My mood is deteriorating, I'm getting frustrated and doubting myself as a parent.

I suppose I'm just looking for some reassurance and actual examples of how and when "it will get better".

I can’t tell you when it will get better but I promise it will. If Gaviscon isn’t doing the trick get something else prescribed. My son has silent reflux and also has a cows milk allergy and until both were under control our days and nights were pretty much as you describe and I felt like I was losing my mind. If he’s uncomfortable all the time it might be worth speaking to your HV or GP about allergies. Hope things improve soon

I remember the adrenaline keeping me going with DS1 then it hit me around 8 weeks - it will better, you're in the toughest bit. A sleepyhead and/or a love to dream swaddle were both miracle workers for both my DSs, you can get both second hand quite easily. Once they can settle well it makes night wakes so much easier. Some people will tell you not to use a sleepyhead overnight but honestly if it's either that or falling asleep with khim on you in bed the sleepyhead must be safer. Don't worry if he'll just nap in the sling for now - I found around 4 months they tend to nap better in the cot but do what you need to for now. Both mine had silent reflux - once they're four months if they have good head control you can sit them up slightly in the pushchair - this'll make it easier for them as well so you can get out for a walk easier.

Thank you for your reply... I guess I'm questioning how much the silent reflux is the issue rather than just preference for sleeping with me. He can lie on his back for periods (eg on play mat) but just not for any longer than 2 hours max so not sure how much of an issue the reflux is. I guess I need to eliminate it though.

Thank you @idontknow54789 ... must admit, I'm really considering a sleepyhead... I do think his cot needs to be made much more cosy and inviting!

I came on here to write almost an identical thread. I also have a ten week old who won't sleep in her next to me at all and only sleeps on me or DH. She doesn't have reflux but she still won't sleep anywhere that's not a cuddle, basically! She sometimes goes down in her carrycot for an hour or two but I'm talking like once a day. Have tried co-sleeping but she won't do it if we follow the safe sleeping guidelines. Last night I ended up cuddling her in bed, cradled in my arm and she slept so soundly but I'm so aware that it doesn't follow the guidelines and I'm petrified of anything happening to her.

I also was on a massive high until a week or two ago and now my mood is so low from chronic sleep deprivation I've just referred myself for mental health help.

No idea how or when things will get better but you're not alone.

Following with interest as I have a 6.5 week old DD who is very similar and have the same worries about how and when things will improve.

I've also suspected silent reflux at points and have cut out dairy for the last week. She will like your DS lie happily on her back on a play mat though so I'm not sure if that's really the issue.

I have made a little progress over the last few days, but I'm not sure if it will be sustained - I've previously thought I'm making progress only to find it was a temporary improvement only!

I've found it frustrating as I've had so many suggestions from different people but evidently every baby is different. What's worked for my baby (in the last day anyway...) is loud white noise (must be very loud) and warm swaddling. I tried swaddling before but always using the thin cotton swaddles you can buy, and she didn't like them. I followed the guidance in terms of layers but I think she was too cold. I'm now using a crocheted blanket to swaddle her. I was reluctant to use it at night for fear of overheating, but I try to keep the room cooler to make up for it. I also place her on her side - I know it's a big no no in the safe sleeping guidelines, but she likes being on her side and often rolls onto it anyway. She is quite often sick in her sleep so it helps stop her waking herself up choking.

What has also helped is getting more on top of daytime sleeping. My DD was staying awake for hours at a time in the day and as a result only getting 10-12 hours of sleep a day rather than the recomended 16. I thought she was just very alert, but then got worried about her not getting enough sleep and started to be more alert to sleep cues. She hides tiredness well but now as soon as she yawns I try to get her to sleep. If I miss that window it's very hard to get her to drop off. I've started taking her to the bedroom for some of these sleeps rather than her downstairs Moses Basket - fewer distractions and hopefully it will help to build the bedroom / sleep connection.

As I say, I have no idea if any of this will work for you - or if it will continue to work for us! Following with interest though. Good luck!

I agree it is like one big game of trial and error where the rules keep changing!! What works one night doesn't the next! Last night we got DS to sleep in his cot at 10pm after putting him down awake (!) with loud ocean sounds and crib vibrating device. He lasted an hour, fed, then lasted an hour again in his cot but then wouldn't go down a 3rd time and has just had a screaming bout due to trapped wind!

I was always so worried re overheating that I think we may have underdressed DS, plus he would always kick off blankets, so I think being cold may have been an issue. He's now in 2.5 tog sleeping bag... never took to swaddling although I wish we'd persevered with it!

Everyone warns you about sleepless nights, and I was prepared for that, but I wasn't prepared for the sheer unpredictability and inconsistency!

Fingers crossed it improves for us all x

I forgot to add, along with the white noise and side sleeping the other thing in doing is patting her on the bum. The combination of these three things seems to work like magic - the last couple of nights anyway! I've since seen it recommended by some sleep consultant so maybe there's something to it...

I coslept fully with my DD till she was about 4 or 5 months. Do you bf lying down? I would do that and she would fall asleep feeding in bed and I could give her a gentle push and she would go into her back (rather than side). She would sleep right snuggled up to me though, sometimes with my nipple in her mouth much of the night which means you can't move much! I had to go to bed about 8pm and often napped with her in the day. I got quite a lot of sleep and cosleeping felt easier and safer over time, but I felt like I never had time to myself or a break.

We kept just trying the moses basket/cot and found we could transfer her to it more easily by 5 months and she would do an hour or so, then 2 hours, then 3/4/5 hours. We also found we could pat/rock her to sleep. This has been over many months with lots of ups and downs.

Since 6 months she goes in her cot at the start of the night and I get some evening. At some point I bring her into bed with me so I don't have to keep getting up. This is often 1 or 2am. She can do 45 min -1.5 hour daytime naps in her cot, which gives us free time in the day. Naps have slowly got longer. She can do 4/5 hour stretches in the cot at night (this is by 10 months) although sometimes wakes up after 45mins. I still cosleep the later part of the night. I found she was more like 5 or 6 months when I got to grips with naps and she also slept better when she dropped down to two naps. We do have quite a consistant bed routine but she goes to sleep as easily in other places. When she is teething it all goes out the window! I felt pretty down about things when she was 4 months. Now I feel quite relaxed and don't think about sleep much. Having some evening and some longer stretches of sleep to yourself makes a massive difference. Also, I've stopped counting wake ups, or timing her sleep and just deal with the nights as they happen. Looking back, I wish I worried less about it in the first few months. They grow and change so much. Secondly, my experience is that they don't have to be perfect sleepers for life to be OK. Now she regularly does a few hours in her cot and I have some time to myself I feel much happier (even though she still doesn't put herself to sleep or sleep through). We havent done any sleep training but we have tried to understand what works for her with naps and just kept trying things.

Hi OP @Paris2019

I feel your pain, I have just commented on another similar thread. My DD was exactly the same at this age. She settled down around 3-4 months when I eventually started to wean her night feeds because I just wasn’t coping with the sleep deprivation, I had started to get clumsy and didn’t feel safe with her in the day, so it was time for me although a lot of parents would probably disagree.
Perhaps try some sleep training, although she’s still very young so may not pick it up so easily, my husband is the same also, but it got to a point where I couldn’t keep going how I was, gave him a stern talking to and exclaimed that I needed more help without having to worry that I have to take her off him because he’s getting cross.
It’s frustrating, I feel even now at 8 months how you feel, most of the time DD sleeps through, but last night she was up from 4-5am so you will have good nights and bad nights that’s inevitable.
Could you maybe give her to a parent or sibling for the night so you can have a break?
It will get better, it just takes patience and perseverance... and don’t feel guilty or like a rubbish mum for getting resentful and unhappy with your situation, it happens to the best of us!! The ones that say it doesn’t are LYING 🤥😂

Everything WILL get better... I promise xxx

@Paris2019 P.s. we actually found our DD suffered with a dairy allergy after months of struggling with reflux and gas, maybe asked for a different drs opinion, it was only when the right dr went through her symptoms did he suggest putting her on hypo formula, she was a different baby almost over night and much more comfortable, My DD also started solids at 3-4 months which helped tremendously!! Try and avoid meat and diary though if you are going to do this, dairy alternatives and fresh fruit, veg and pulses/legumes 👍🏻 Hope this helps xxx

30-40 minute naps are really normal, my daughter didn't start doing long naps till she was 1, sorry!

thebeyondsleeptrainingproject.com/faqs/my-baby-only-sleeps-20-45-mins-how-can-i-make-naps-longer

My boy never slept on his back. He always went face down and that was the way it used to be.
Can't force them to sleep in their back. I feel like people obsess over the written rule book and sometimes it's just not possible to make it happen like that.

Thank you all for your advice and experiences. We have made a little progress in the past few days in that DS will go down in cot with vibrating mattress and white noise. He generally lasts a couple of hours max, then the periods of staying asleep in the cot get shorter as he gets more unsettled as the night goes on. He's been having some bad bouts of wind with screaming and also the grunty noises which I think are the reflux. I just hope he grows out of these issues.

Reading this back, I'm not sure this is massive progress as we've been here before, but I feel slightly more positive perhaps cos DH and I have a better "shift pattern" now and I generally get some decent sleep at the start of the night and in the morning.

Naps are now exclusively in the sling, baby carrier or pram... and I can live with that for now!

I've had 2 ebf babies and am 35 weeks with number 3.

Tbh I think you need to relax, start taking things as they come and generally rolling with it more.

Neither of my 2 wanted to sleep anywhere except right next to me so we co-slept. It made night feeds loads easier (look up how to feed on your side and your dc will be doing self service by 4m while you sleep through). It's perfectly normal for babies to sleep on their side especially when co-sleeping.

Is there a particular reason you don't want to co-sleep? If it's what works for your dc why fight it?

I'd also suggest you assume you need 12 hours in bed to get 8 hours sleep at this age.

Talking about what they used to do when they're 10 weeks old is batshit. They'll be changing rapidly for at least 3 years and it doesn't slow down all that much after that.

Go with the flow and try to enjoy it. Do what works for you and DC at the time.

And stop worrying about th m being unsettled with your DH. The only way they'll get past that is practice.

My DS was very very similar OP, would only sleep on the breast or in the sling and it is soul destroying. At 4 months I cracked and employed a sleep consultant, she went through techniques etc over zoom. We did gentle sleep training which was hard work, but I’ll always remember the crazy dance my husband and I did the first time he was asleep in his cot for a nap, the best feeling ever. The best money I’ve ever spent and the best thing I’ve ever done to protect my mental health. Really hoping that you get some sleep and help soon!

@Imaginatrix

I can’t tell you when it will get better but I promise it will. If Gaviscon isn’t doing the trick get something else prescribed. My son has silent reflux and also has a cows milk allergy and until both were under control our days and nights were pretty much as you describe and I felt like I was losing my mind. If he’s uncomfortable all the time it might be worth speaking to your HV or GP about allergies. Hope things improve soon

@Imaginatrix hope you don't mind me replying!

What were the symptoms for your little ones cows milk allergy and how did you go about getting it confirmed that he was allergic?

Currently going through it with my 3 week old

By way of an update... since posting this things have got slightly better.

DS is now sleeping primarily in his cot at night. The silent reflux doesn't seem to be an issue any more, and tummy massage plus infacol seems to be helping with trapped wind.

Last week for 2 nights in a row he slept for 4.5 hours between 10.30 and 3am and honestly I felt like a new woman with that amount of unbroken sleep, plus another 2 hour stretch after a feed.

However now that 4.5 hour stretch has reduced down to 2/3 hours and he is only sleeping for 2 hour stretches throughout the night. On the positive side, he settles back in his cot pretty well each time, but the frequency of him waking means I'm back to being knackered - 2 hours is just not enough time for quality sleep.

I don't know why he can't go for longer stretches - he hasn't been feeding too well lately, on and off the boob etc, so I guess he just wakes due to hunger. I wonder if topping up with a bottle of expressed milk at the 10pm feed would help?

Daytime naps is another story - I've focused on making sure he gets these, but all are in me, in sling or pram... the thought of him napping in his cot seems like a distant dream!

Honestly, if your DC will sleep on their side in the bed with you for example, just go with it. Try to stress less and get some sleep. Don’t worry about co sleeping right now, you have plenty of time to get out of the habit.

I have tried co sleeping but usually ended up so uncomfortable if I tried to bf lying on my side, and DC never got a good latch so I ended up with sore nipples anda dead arm from trying to prop myself up. I was also terrified of falling asleep and smothering him! He was most comfortable lying against my chest and could sleep for hours like that, but of course that is not safe and I was always too tempted to nod off with him like that. So, I don't have anything against co sleeping and would do it if could get it to work for us!

OP I've started taking bits of the Possums approach to sleep. Basically it says not to stress too much about daytime naps, just go about your day with as much activity as possible (ideally outside) and baby will sleep when / as much as he or she needs. It should also help to set their Circadian clock so that they sleep better at night.

The first day I tried it I was a bit drastic I think and went too far in abandoning the basic EASY routine we were following. I think as an approach it probably works better in Australia (where it started) as you can get outside all year round, and probably in non Covid times too where it's easier to fill the day with activity. But it is quite liberating not to feel that you need to be forcing naps at times when baby doesn't want to sleep, and that baby can fit around your routines rather than the other way round.

Following as we're still having this problem at 4 months (it's not regression as there was no good period to regress from). My partner and I now just do shifts so DS can sleep in our arms - even co-sleeping is too hit and miss to make it worth it.

Not what the OP wants to hear but they have my sympathy. Just counting the weeks until DS is old enough to sleep train....