Was up all night.

[Itsahardknocklife18]

As I write this now, my head is spinning and I have tears rolling down my face. I’m spent to say the least. For the last month, DD daughter is obviously going through the 8 month sleep regression, plus separation anxiety.

I vowed to never sleep train, I’ve never agreed with CIO method, but have come to a point after trying everything else to no avail, I feel like I have no choice.

A few years ago I was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of breast cancer at 24, after going through a gruelling 12 months of treatment, I was declared cancer free, and 18 months later fell pregnant with my little angel. I am so so lucky that we have her, but the lack of sleep raises my risk of recurrence which is another anxiety adding to the mix. Last night I got about 4 hrs on and off, and an ordinary mum in an ordinary situation, this may not sound too bad, but for me it’s pretty dangerous.

I can’t live like this anymore, worrying about cancer and being up and down all night every night. DH is unfortunately not much help either as he is a self employed builder so does not get payed if out of work and can’t afford to not sleep as it would be dangerous in his job so HAS to sleep, or he will lose his job and we won’t be able to afford to pay our bills or eat for that matter.

I feel trapped and in despair at this point, and don’t know what to do?!

Please no negative comments, if you are triggered by this then please scroll past because I need friendly women that may understand what I’m going through and give me a little bit of support without judgment.

Hi OP I didn't want to leave you without a reply and I really feel for you. I know how hard it is when your baby cries most of the night and you are on your knees with exhaustion. Couple that with cancer fears and you must feel awful. Are you breast feeding? Are you co-sleeping? In their own room? I believe in breast feeding but only if it works for you. Bottle can make it easier for your partner to help out for one of the night feeds enabling you to get some sleep. I have had three babies and breast fed the last one. The other two were bottle fed.

Try not to worry too much about your health. This stage is over so quickly.

I just wanted to say that sleep training doesn't mean CIO. There are lots of sleep training methods so saying you vowed never to sleep train might be making your life more difficult than it needs to be. I also think you need to make less excuses for your DH not helping you. That said, this will pass!

No sleep is just the worst.

It is absolutely horrific and I spend many a morning crying too. I can't even imagine what it must be like to have the worry of Cancer reoccurring as a result of a lack of sleep.

I would go for the cry it out method. We used a more "gentle" method where you put the baby down and leave the room for 2 mins, if still crying then go in, quick cuddle or back rub and leave, leave for 4 mins, then 6,8,10. This has worked with both of my girls and they were normally both asleep within the 6 minute mark with nowhere near as much crying as you would expect. My eldest just whinged a bit.

Do you have any family who could have your baby for the night? Or stay over yours to look after her in the day so you can go back to bed? I would try and sleep in the day when she sleeps. I remember everyone saying it with my eldest and I thought how the hell am I meant to sleep, there is so much cleaning to do etc. Now I have 2, I just lie on the sofa and fall asleep when the baby does. Everything else has to wait. Could your husband do a night and a morning on a weekend so you could lie in until 10 ish?

It's shit for a while but it does get better eventually x

So sorry you’re feeling like this, OP. No judgement about sleep training here. I think of sleep training as balancing your baby’s needs with your own. Ultimately, your baby will be happier and better rested, and will have a happier, more engaged mum.

Can you tell us what is happening with sleep now? How does baby fall asleep? How does she nap etc etc.

Someone sent me this video a while back and it really helped me to examine why I didn’t want to sleep train and to feel confident in my decision to do it.

@Nodney
Thanks for your lovely reply, I am struggling emotionally at the moment, I can’t deny, Breast care team have referred me for more therapy so maybe in time it will get better.
As for DD- been bottle feeding since birth, unfortunately because of past diagnosis and treatment, breast feeding would have been very difficult and probably would have ended in a lot of stress and guilt, I also had a nasty UTI after labour and had to have a epidural and catheter insert so was on pretty hefty antibiotics for a while, making breast feeding impossible anyway.
Try not to co sleep, but at the moment, it seems to be the only way I can get some sleep but I think inevitably will have to knock that on the head, she goes down in crib in own room but wakes up within a few hrs. Generally don’t need to feed during the night but sometimes it helps to settle her so it does happen occasionally x

@Ineedsleepzz

Thank you so much, I think I’m going to try your suggestion of making being a bit gentler than CIO, she unfortunately is quite a sensitive little one and tends to get incredibly stressed if I leave her for too long so maybe your approach would be a good start.

My mum has her occasionally in the mornings if I’ve had a rough night, but I think I may have to ask for more help (I’m a bit proud 😕) and I’ve never been a napper which means by the time I’m dropping off quite often missy is awake and I have to get up again, so I’ve stopped bothering lol.

I really may not be the best person to give advice as I was pretty useless at sorting out my kids sleep issues. With my third, I got so fed up with it, when she woke in the night, I brought her in with me and we all slept peacefully for the rest of the night. That's how it stayed till she was about 7. She would go to sleep in her own bed and come in with us about 12. Sometimes she stayed in her own bed. Mostly not. It worked fine. Life's too short. Good luck

@Dillybear
Thank you... I am always a little wary of posting on here as I know how some mums can be, so far you’ve all been lovely and am very grateful for the advise and support!

She has dinner at 5.30pm, then a bit of playtime after dinner has gone down, then bath time at around 7, then creamy massage, bottle and put down to Benny the bear heartbeat. She has trouble staying awake whilst drinking her bottle, and sometimes it’s just easier to put her down asleep as there’s less of a fight (I know 😖) She goes to bed at around 8pm,

Nap time has been a bit of a Furore to be honest with you; she had been having 2 naps daily until around a month ago when she started fighting when putting her down, eventually I dropped it to one because she just wasn’t tired enough to sleep in the day later or when it was bed time, now she has one long nap between 1.5-3hrs depending on how tired she is x

@Dillybear
P.s. thank you for the video link, will check it out xx

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream

I’m really glad I’m not the only one 🙏🏻🙏🏻💖 That makes me feel a bit better thank you x

And please don't be so hard on yourself-do whatever you have to to get through it-it's hard and you've been through a lot

I second @ineedsleepzz - its the Jo Frost method that I used with my DD. I would say get some earplugs and brace yourself because it is very hard to do but totally worth it in the end. If you're exhausted you can't parent properly so you need to look after yourself to. You're doing an amazing job!

@Itsahardknocklife18

How does she fall asleep? Is it on the bottle every time? Does she fall asleep by herself? What about for naps? If she falls asleep on the bottle I would move the bottle further forward in her routine, and firstly work on getting her to go to sleep independently where she is going to stay asleep. Controlled crying is one way to do that, though there are gentler ways - however, you know your DD and you’ll have a much better idea of what will suit her personality. Whatever you decide to do, make sure you plan and build up to it, and then be really really consistent with it. That’s the main thing. See if you can get DH to take time off work for a few days so you can see it through together.

Whilst your husband going to work on no sleep would be dangerous, I'm sure he can take some of the night and cope with a little less!

It's funny how on these threads 90% of the time the man has some job where it would be impossible for him to help whilst the women just get on with it, driving and working on next to no rest. even if he took all wake ups before midnight and you went to sleep with ear plugs in, then you could both get a decent stretch.

Check out Just Chill Mama on Instagram. She has some useful videos and posts. My DD isn’t the best sleeper, I’ve used a bit of controller crying, and it is horrible to leave them for periods, but you need to think of you as well. Short periods of crying, with you going in to reassure periodically, won’t cause your DD any harm, it’ll help you both.
Be kind to yourself, I cry all the time. I find chocolate helps xx

Not sure how helpful this is but this is what worked for us with DC.

Aim for a 7pm bedtime. So dinner at 5:00pm, a bit of tv/play and then upstairs for a bath around 6:00pm, a snuggle with a story and a bottle. We tried to have DC down and settled by 7pm - generally was asleep while having the bottle.

We had a horrible few months around 7 months when DC just kept waking and I wasn't getting any sleep. The only thing that worked for me was making a flask of herbal tea before bedtime and having a comfortable set up in DC's room - mattress, cushions, blankets, kindle, tea etc. I figured that if I was up in the night I was going to be as comfortable as possible and, in the words of MN, it did eventually pass