So so stressed!!

[Faithsmum2020]

My bloody SIL!

Please excuse my language ladies, but right now I could fuck me up a bitch!!

My DD 8 months spend 1 night with her Auntie (on husbands side) and she has come back a different baby. My SIL has obviously left her in distress when putting her down for her nap and left her dinner to scream and cry, for god knows how long, she's come back home and now stresses so much when I put her down for nap time that she won't even go to sleep at all in the day. It can take us up to 1.5hrs to get her to sleep. She gets so distressed and it's now so stressful just watching her is making me want to cry my eyes out. I hate seeing her like this.

I'm livid!!

She was so good at going down to bed, and because SIL thinks she knows best, has changed how she feels about her nap time, and obviously now doesn't feel safe.

I need help...

A. As to know what to do next? I have no idea how to make Lovely girl feel safe in her cot again.

And B. Help to chill out a bit so I don't drive to SILs house and punch her square in the face.

I hate that some people think they know better and try the super nanny bullshit, this is the result! My poor baby girl is stressed and feels unsafe. Not ok!

*Left her to scream and cry

Did you consider it might be separation anxiety after being away from you? Seems very extreme to assume your sister in law somehow neglected her so badly she’s traumatised and won’t sleep.

Do you know that sil left her to scream and cry or are you assuming it? It does sound like extreme separation anxiety though. How long has it been since she stayed at sil’s?

My DD stayed at my parents for the first time when she was 2. She was absolutely fine there but the next 4 nights struggled with sleeping. Your baby may just be worried you aren't there.

How do you get her to sleep at the moment? Are you doing anything different to before?

At 8 months baby has only just learnt object permanence. Before 2 years old baby will not have the cognitive development to understand logic or to manipulate or organise their thoughts in the way you suggest.

What you are suggesting is known as "conditioning" in psychology - you are assuming because baby was left to cry she will continue to expect that. Fact is, conditioning takes repeated behaviour. Your relative having your daughter once will not have the effect you are suggesting.

It’s very normal for a baby of that age to feel separation anxiety. But for an adult to react like you have? Not so much. Presumably your sil was doing you a favour. Best she not bother again eh

@AwkwardAsAllGetout
You're damn right she won't be going again.

Perhaps best you keep your opinions to yourself in future eh?

U ok hun?

@namechange202086 @Coriandersucks

I know she left her because when we went over a few days after for her birthday; When I put DD down for a nap, she kept telling me not to go to her when she was in distress. This to me suggests that this is what she did when she went to stay.

I know she is suffering with quite bad separation anxiety, but for it to change in the space of a few days, and really, quite suddenly then to me again suggests that it maybe because she is worried I will leave her if she gets stressed again.

@AwkwardAsAllGetout

Yep ☺️ Fine thanks 👍🏻

@AwkwardAsAllGetout
If you're laid back enough to not get protective over your children then good for you! But personally, I think to chastise someone for having an emotional response to their child being in distress is down right rude. Check ya self hun! You shouldn't be on here... it's for SUPPORT. If you can't be kind, then go somewhere else.

she is worried I will leave her if she gets stressed again

She does not have that level of intellectual ability. So don't worry - that isn't what is going through her mind.

I think it’s separation anxiety. My DD is 8.5 months and I went back to work a few weeks ago for 3 days a week - my mum and sister (who I live with so she’s used to them) were looking after her and they do everything the same as I do. She self-settles for naps etc but my DD started reacting the exact same way as yours whenever I tried putting her down for naps/bedtime.

I think I was kidding myself thinking she wouldn’t notice me not being here; she definitely noticed even though she was absolutely fine, she definitely missed me. I’m assuming your DD missed you when staying at your SILs and now she’s worried if you put her down for a nap, you won’t come back.

You sound like you've got yourself in an absolute state about this - your stress and panic is probably what's upsetting your daughter tbh.

FWIW it is likely the fact that you weren't there that's upset her, not that she was left to cry for a little bit. Work on leaving her by herself for short periods of time and the separation anxiety should improve.

There's also a sleep regression at 8m. Your SIL is likely blameless.

You need to calm right down. Your SIL is not the problem here. Your baby is not the problem here.

Your abnormal level of anger, aggression and (probably) anxiety are the problem here, and that is what you need to sort out.

@Vicky1989x @Ohalrightthen
Thank you for your kind responses, you're right, I had got myself into a Twitter, it's difficult not to when you see your baby is such distress. SIL and I aren't the best of mates, she did do it as a favour, but on the same token, she does have the ability to be a little high and mighty and has to be better than everyone else, so I do suspect that she left her for some time, when we were there for the day she told us to leave her, so did as she advised as was in her house and didn't want to get into an argument, she screamed and cried for some time until I couldn't listen to it anymore and went up to calm her down, hubby had a word and she backed off then.
However, I suspect you're both right and that she will be ok in a few weeks with some perseverance and reassurance. My reaction was just out of frustration and of course worry, my baby girl is my entire world and I hate to see her so stressed. It's the first time I have experienced this with her as she has been on the whole so far a very happy care free missy x

@TheYearOfSmallThings
I have not shown any level of anger or aggression to anyone other than vented on here in the hope of finding some support and kind reassurance. I have to say I'm surprised that some of the other mums on here that have read this cannot empathise with how I have felt and responded accordingly. You do not know my situation or me personally?

@TheYearOfSmallThings

P.s. I have calmed right down.

@Faithsmum2020 I don’t agree with CIO - my DD gets very stressed very quickly so to get her back on track I’ve been doing pick up put down with her for naps and it’s been working quite well so far. I usually only have to go in 3 or 4 times until she goes to sleep (probably isn’t the best method but it’s working for us). It’s hard when they get like this - she’s my first too so I have no experience but just do what you think is right for you and your baby.

Thank you to the mums that have given kind words and have not chastised me for having a 'moment', which let's face it, as new mums, we all have (the ones that pretend they don't - I see through you 😉)

But I am going to delete my account now because it has become apparent to me that this is not the right place to go to for genuine support from other mums.

I forgot how bitchy some women can be.

I wish you all well.

You do not know my situation or me personally?

I don't need to know anything more than what you yourself have just written.

And B. Help to chill out a bit so I don't drive to SILs house and punch her square in the face.

right now I could fuck me up a bitch!!

If you are not a troll (and I hope you are) then you need to get help for your anger.

Jesus, I thought I was over the top