Calling all co-sleepers - help/reasurance please!

[EliseM]

We never planned to co-sleep (had never heard of it) but found our DD was a very cuddly, sucky baby and it's what she wanted, so who were we to argue. Have read three in a bed, Dr Sears etc and would really like to carry on co-sleeping - BUT are losing confidence and don't know anyone else who co-sleeps with their baby and would really appreciate it if anyone else who does could share their experience.

DD has been waking every 1 - 1 1/2 hours through the evening and night since she had her 4 month growth spurt. Recently, it's got to the point that she won't go back down after I've bf her to sleep. We can do the side-by-side feeding thing, but it doesn't work because she never lets go but keeps sucking intermittently in her sleep, and wakes and starts screaming the moment I inch away even if I've waited until she's in a deep sleep. And I get bad back ache and can't sleep myself.

What does work is if I prop myself up on pillows and drape her across my chest/tummy and let her go to sleep like that. I have a pillow either side of me and she basically eventually comes off and goes to sleep with her head resting on my arm, which is resting on a pillow. She then latches on and off all night as she wants and all three of us get a good night's sleep.

All the co-sleeping books talk about side-by-side sleeping and I'm wondering if I'm the only one who sleeps with their baby this way?! Is it dangerous - all the safety advice is about keeping babies away from pillows? Am I totally mad to be doing this? Will she ever be able to go to sleep next to me, or am I going to be sleeping with a chunky toddler draped on top of me? Should we just give up? The thing is, we really don't want to!

Sorry about this huge email, but is there anyone out there with experience of this who can help?

I ended up doing the same for a while with DD, they grow out of it, I don't think it's dangerous and it's not necessarily for ever. Take heart, this will pass

NB she's now one and in her cotbed every night and has been for a looooong time!

My ds use to sleep on my chest - and he wasn't even breast fed. He grew out of it before he was too heavy, we enjoyued cosleeping for nearly 3 years, DS has just recently happily gone into his own bedroom as he was just too big.

We stumbled into cosleeping too and loved it, we are a very close little family unit and I wouldn't have had it any differently, dispite being constantly asked if he was still in our bed from several ignorant friends and relatives.

Enjoy it - they grow up too quick! sob!

Thanks for reassurance, it feels so much better to know you're not the only one! I forgot to say that DD is now 6 months old - how old were your little ones when they stopped doing this?

Hmm can't remember! The first year passes in such a blur! I remember if he got ill or was teething he would revert back to it for a few days, but then settle next to me again, don't worry - she won't do it forever!

I don't have any experience of co-sleeping exactly in the way that you describe but am happily co-sleeping with a sucky 24 week old dd. Thankfully, she is happy to sleep side by side and just helps herself whenever she wants (again every hour and a half or so since the big growth spurt, but I think this is because she's enormous and teething, a tricky combination).

I wonder if you may have a problem at the moment with the beginnings of separation anxiety. My dd is starting to be aware of when I go away and it upsets her an awful lot. Perhaps your dd is sensing you moving away and panicking. I do a couple of the daytime feeds lying down (sneaky nap for me!) and latch her off as soon as she nods off. If she wakes then she can see me and knows I'm not going anywhere. Maybe this could help with 'teaching' her that just because you're nipple isn't there, you aren't going anywhere. Or maybe a comforter/dummy to offer to her as you latch off. I find if dd is holding her toy kitten when she falls asleep she just puts that in her mouth if she's stirring.

Have you tried a big long pillow or one of the maternity ones to try and support you lying on your side if dd is really struggling with letting go? I have to say in the past couple of weeks dd has become brilliant at settling herself. She always fed to sleep but just recently is latching off herself while still awake, wriggling a bit to get comfy and drifting off on her own. Before this she fed to sleep at every single feed. Perhaps your dd will also learn this independence on her own. You can also buy sleep positioners for the baby to stop her rolling and I wonder if this would make her feel safer? If she likes to feel cosy- one thing co-sleeping definitely is- then perhaps feeling something around her would help. Or swaddling? Do you put her in a grobag to sleep? DD won't sleep out of hers and definitely feels safe in it.

Sorry for all the random suggestions, am typing and thinking at the same time!

If you want to co-sleep and you are happy with it then find a way to make it as safe as possible and continue. There are many, many, many others doing exactly the same thing. I have no intention of moving dd to a cot any time soon and it works brilliantly for us.

Just want to add:

My ds had extremely bad ezcema from six weeks and sleeping on me was the only way I, and he, could get any sleep. He eventually grew into the kind of arrangement you are noting now. He breastfed intermitantly (sp) during the night. I too worried about the safety aspect but we got through.

He is now 3.5 and goes to sleep in his own bed but still joins me (am single mum) 50% of the time and usually with my arm around him and cuddled into me, but not on top (stopped feeding at 18 months)

I love it personally. Just trust that you will find your own way and that will be the right way for you, your family and your dd.x

Sorry hadn't refreshed. CrowontheCradle has great advice. just wish she had been around when ds was younger

Thanks for all the suggestions. Would love her to have a dummy at night but she won't have anything but the Real Thing in her mouth (could never get her to take a bottle either, when wanted to express), have been trying since birth when she sucked 16 hours out of the 24! Hates being swaddled, but haven't tried the grobag - hadn't thought of that, will give it a go. Hadn't thought about separation anxiety, but thinking about it now she is a very 'attached' baby (prefer to say that rather than 'clingy'), and yes, come to think of it, this does coincide with her starting to get upset if I even leave the room for a minute. Have the same issue with daytime naps, though I love napping with her then (can you tell she is DD1 ) so doesn't bother me that she wants to nap nurse the entire time. Maybe it's unrealistic to expect her to change at night when she's doing it during the day.. Perhaps I'll just go with it for the moment, as long as it's safe and can keep telling myself I'm not utterly crazy and the maker of many rods!

Ds 15 months has just strted doing this, when I read no cry sleep solution a few months ago I had no idea what a chest sleeping baby was! I now put up with it for a bit until feel too squished and then role him and me onto our sides sometimes with him still latched on and sometimes he lets go and roles over and goes to sleep. He is better if has his bear with him to reach out to too. Sorry not much help! I love co-sleeping altho would love a bigger bed!

Co-sleep with my dd (21mo) and love it. It began out of exhaustion (easier than having to get up and put her back in the moses basket) and then continued out of necessity (traveling and moving house) and then became so normal and wonderful that we stuck with it. We had some rough months in the beginning due to breast-addiction (needed it to sleep, was waking up several times a night) but things slowly started getting better and now she generally sleeps through the night without any problems. But, it wasn't until well after her first birthday... around 16 mo or so I think. My mum said I didn't sleep through the night til I was two and I was bottle-fed and in a cot so I think some of it boils down to the baby.

There are some good suggestions in the book No Cry Sleep Solutions and also try kellymom on the web.

Hang in there!

My DS was a chest sleeper and sometimes still is at 13m, if he's poorly or feeling anxious. I used to worry about it endlessly because babies are supposed to sleep on their backs aren't they? I was lucky to have some advice from an experienced mother who told me that she had slept like that with all her children.

Anyway, if you find your DD literally won't sleep any other way, like my DS, then your options become a bit limited don't they?! It's all well and good for the under-informed to tell us we are making rods, but unless you have a baby like that it is very hard to understand.

Incidentally my DS now prefers to sleep horizontally across the bed, on his back, with as many limbs in my and DH face as possible. Enjoy your lovely snuggling while you can

Our dds sound very similar! She is very sucky, won't take a dummy or bottle, feeds an awful lot and stays latched on most of the night. And I love it.

She is teething too which means that feeding soothes her gums and offers her comfort when she can't work out where the pain is coming from. Perhaps a factor with you too?

Ah, the Queen Of The World pose. Arms and legs out everywhere, taking up 97.5% of the available sleeping area.

Oh, forgot to mention, dd did the chest-sleeping thing too. Still does sometimes when she's having trouble sleeping or not feeling well. As long as it's not bothering you, I wouldn't worry about it.

Ditto advice re No Cry Sleep Soloution, she has this technique called the pantley pull off, sounds like just what you need!

Check it out

Yes, there is the issue of having to curl up in a ball at the end of the bed because a toddler has managed to occupy 3/4 of a queen sized bed. Dh on the edge on one end and me curled up at the bottom of the bed with dd in her spacious heaven. Sigh. Most times I move her over but there are days when I'm too tired to risk having her wake up.

I once took a picture of our bed with ds and dh both sleeping like starfishes leaving me a few cms opn either side or at the bottom of the bed!

Elise, it was reassuring to read this thread, for the last month my 7 month old dd wakes up all the time, wants to sleep latched on but i struggle, it gives me back ache! and she pinches me and kicks me in the groin while she feeds! And she tosses and turns so noisily all night long. NIGHTMAAAAAARE! I keep threating to chuck her in a cot and set the baby-trainers on her! My dp has long since moved himself to the couch on an almost permanent basis But I can't imagine not having her next to me, it just feels so right. DP and I both know the benefits outweight any problems and are relaxed about our sleeping arrangements, and it sounds like you have worked out a solution so good for you.

You made me laugh, longlady - that describes my 9 month old exactly - what's with the kicking in the groin?? Sometimes he just does that without feeding - kind of checking to see if I am still there... He is getting a bit better now though. I think you somehow have to just persevere until they grow up a bit - he now turns his head away sometimes and settles himself to sleep again after a feed, whereas even two weeks ago, he used to have marathon on/off feeding sessions while my rib cage slowly cracked. I have found too, that if I turn my back, and let him kick me and cry for a bit, and then turn over to feed him, he is learning that sometimes it is just not worth the bother of all that crying and kicking, and he drifts happily off back to sleep. Having said all that, I am permanently exhausted, but like you, can't imagine giving up co-sleeping.