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Original poster

2 year old hysterical crying at 4am every day until we take him downstairs. How do we fix this?

51 replies

Swaddleblanket · 30/12/2020 07:25

He is 25 months and wakes up every single day between 3.30 and 4.30 - on average it’s around 4am.

We think it’s a habit now because he’s woken at this time for a year or so. Give or take a few weeks here and there of waking around 5. But never later.

All the research and advice leads me to think the best thing is to treat his 4am wake up as middle of the night and leave him in his cot or room until 6 or as close to as possible,

However, despite being very prepared for this, he cries to the point of hyperventilating and he starts throwing himself around his cot banging his head in the process which gets him more worked up. If I try to pick him up to comfort him, he throws himself around in my arms so much I can hardly keep hold of him. The only thing he wants is to get up and leave his room, ideally to go downstairs.

I don’t know how to manage his crying and meltdown at 4am because it feels no matter what we try with him nothing works. Can’t leave him cos he just gets so worked up and scream cries continuously until he is panting.

This morning we have been up since 2,30 although he did sleep on and off from 2,30 until 4.30 but only in my arms or holding my hand.

He seems to have bad separation anxiety because he won’t let my husband near him when he needs comforting and loses it if I leave the room. And we have gone back to him needed to hold our hand to fall asleep, where previously we left him in the cot and walked out and he would fall asleep.

Not sure if this is factor in the crying but please help if you have any experience of this or advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Swaddleblanket · 30/12/2020 08:29

Eating wise

Snacks rice cakes, banana, blueberries, oaty bars, kids crisps

Breakfasts - peanut butter toast, weetabix, regular toast

Lunch - phili sandwich, houmous pitta, pasta, sometimes a meal pouch, pasta always with 2 veg which he does eat and some fruit + yogurt

Dinner - usually what we have spag Bol, stew, risotto, pasta

Funnily enough he eats really well breakfast, snacks and lunch and rarely eats dinner.

He has a bottle of formula before his day nap and again before bed time.

He is a very tall toddler though, in age 4-5 clothes so maybe he does need more food, but he is quite fussy and like most kids I imagine, prefers sweeter things would eat 25 oaty bars if I let him but would refuse his evening meal

OP posts:
Original poster
Swaddleblanket · 30/12/2020 08:30

Yes dinner at 5pm I missed it off the list

OP posts:
TeachesOfPeaches · 30/12/2020 08:30

Can you bring him into bed with you at 4am and give him a bottle?

Original poster
Swaddleblanket · 30/12/2020 08:32

No he is not at all interested in getting in bed with us, would be happy with that if it meant we all got more sleep but I think the biggest issue I have is that he is wide awake, very active and absolutely in no mood to go back to sleep or stay in his room at 4am. I do want to keep him in his room from 4 to encourage him to sleep longer so he knows it’s still nighttime but he loses it completely if we don’t pick him up and then he just thrashes around so I can’t keep hold of him until we take him downstairs

OP posts:
Marshy86 · 30/12/2020 08:32

Hi Op, have you ever tried a dream feed with him ?

CherryRoulade · 30/12/2020 08:33

Let me have his tantrum and stay firm that nighttime is for sleeping. In your bed, if necessary but probably a reaffirmation that it’s still nighttime and he must sleep. Repeated until he gets the message. A few nights hard work and determination so he realises it’s not a mealtime or playtime. Set the boundaries for all of your benefits.

Cotti · 30/12/2020 08:35

I would try to tackle the dinner refusal. It sounds like he could be waking from hunger. Maybe try to drop one of the bottles as he's old enough and big enough need more proper food. He looks a bit low in protein. Is there a sure fire filling dinner he will eat? I think dropping the bottle/sleep association might help too as that's not available in the night to him. If he's hungry and he will be if he's gone 12 hours without a meal then nothing you do will sort it. I'd start there.

Lindy2 · 30/12/2020 08:37

Both mine would wake early like this. Trying to resettle them generally didn't work, took ages and meant everyone in the house ended up wide awake far too early.

Putting them into bed next to me sent them straight back to sleep until about 7am.

I went for the cosleeping option.

ShinyGreenElephant · 30/12/2020 08:41

My 2yo does this sometimes, I take her into our bed, 5 min bf then tell her stories until she goes back to sleep, or put her toniebox on. Other than the odd night she doesnt tantrum any more, just snuggles in. Sometimes she goes back asleep, sometimes not but as long as I do thats the main thing Grin

Whatnameisgood · 30/12/2020 08:41

Sounds like he might need more food at dinner time. One of mine was a bit like this and I went through a phase of giving him extra food just before bed to make sure he definitely wasn’t hungry!
So I wouldn’t do an afternoon snack as I wanted him hungry at dinner time, even if it meant bringing dinner forward a bit . Just so he ate plenty! Then I gave him a substantial snack (as much as he wanted!) just before his bottle. I also reduced night time bottle (just reduce by 1oz a day) in case a full wet nappy made him uncomfortable. It helped mine if I took him out for a quick cuddle (at4am) until he’d calmed down then I’d sing his bedtime song and put him back. Id also offer an Ella’s food pouch (or 3!) at 4am though with mine this could risk him doing a poo, Snd some water to make sure he was t hungry or thirsty. Basically eliminating all the physical needs.
If it were me and he still wouldn’t sleep I’d try taking him into bed with me. Anything rather than be up for the day at 4!
Good luck!!

Whatnameisgood · 30/12/2020 08:42

Also, could anything be waking him at 4, like an aeroplane? Have you tried white noise?

NEE1302 · 30/12/2020 08:46

My 2yr old has never been a good sleeper and would become so distressed in her cot that she couldn't catch her breath. At 18 months (with some guidance from our excellent HV) we converted her cot into a cot bed (with a guard to stop her falling out), kept her bedroom door open and put a baby gate at the top of the stairs. If she wakes in the night she comes straight into our bedroom and gets into bed with us and straight back to sleep. We think that not feeling trapped and being able to get to us if she needs to, has meant she doesn't get distressed. She sleeps until about half 6/7ish now.
We also changed her routine as follows, which is loosely aligned to her nursery routine:
Breakfast - 8.00
Lunch - 11/11.30
Nap - 11.30/12 for one hour
Dinner - 3.30pm
Supper - 6pm (a crumpet or porridge)
Then bath and into bed for 7ish.
She has a couple of snacks through the day too.
We also get her out every day for a walk as if she doesn't burn off that energy, she doesn't settle.
Hope things get better for you op. We were broken with the lack of sleep and lack of time for us.

Annebronte · 30/12/2020 08:48

How does he go to sleep at the start of the night? My kids are grown now, but were poor sleepers initially. I read (and found it to be true) that to settle themselves in the middle of the night, they had to have settled themselves at the start of the night. I did controlled crying at bedtime and it seemed to help the night time waking. It worked completely for one child and partially for the other

FreiasBathtub · 30/12/2020 08:49

Both of mine went through this phase. With them it was hunger for sure. DS was like yours, very picky with his evening meal (still is) so we did as others suggest, brought it forward and then gave Weetabix or porridge with full fat milk just before bathtime. It really helped. Give it a try. Also had to go through a phase of me sleeping on his bedroom floor following the 4am wake-up, as that was the only way he would resettle, and then gradually retraining him to fall asleep on his own. It's a slow process and you have to try a few things to figure out what works for you and your kid.

hopsalong · 30/12/2020 08:51

I think he's getting up so early because he's had enough sleep. With the daytime sleep this is eleven hours or more. My eldest has only slept for ten hours or so over a 24 hour period since he was 3, which isn't exactly what the books tell you but is very much within the realm of normal. (I only sleep 6 to 7 hours so probably on the lighter end myself.) I wouldn't drop the nap yet but I think you need to try 8pm bedtime and then shortening the nap. Good luck!

sproutsnbacon · 30/12/2020 08:52

I’ve got a poor sleeper who likes the early hours. His bed is next to mine so if he stirs I just reach out and put a hand on him and tell him it ok I’m here go back to sleep. That works most times. Sometimes I have to hold His hand, pass a drink. It takes longer if he fully wakes up so I aim to resettle him when he stirs.

Solasum · 30/12/2020 08:52

Could he be waking up because he is getting cold? Make sure he is really well tucked in when the last one of you goes to bed. My DS used to wake up v early if he kicked off his covers, as then he got cold and woke up fully.

LaTomatina · 30/12/2020 08:55

My 23 month old often does this, sometimes around midnight, sometimes 3 or 4 am. I offer him water and tell him it's sleeping time and pat his back. Sometimes he flops back down and sleeps. Other times he screams and tries to slap me. Then, I crawl into the bed near his cot and talk reassuringly/sing quietly and eventually he goes back to sleep. Sometimes it takes aaaages but he is too savage and restless to co-sleep so I think this is our best option for now.

edgeware · 30/12/2020 08:56

Ours did similar. It will pass. Putting him to bed half an hour later (7:30 pm for us) seemed to work. But we would usually just put him in bed with us and put the ipad on whilst we slept. Mine didn’t want to go to sleep with us either but we could get him to watch Mr Tumble. It WILL pass with time.

Cactuslove · 30/12/2020 09:16

Hi @swaddleblanket. My little boy is 2.5. He is in his own bed and can press his own night light... he also has a shelf with spare dummy and muslin. He has a stair gate on his room and lots of toys we leave lying on the floor. We put him to bed at 7pm with a beaker of milk and he often takes about 30 mins to settle- we then go up and remove toys and beaker from bed and put his glasses on his shelf etc. If he wakes in the night I will go to him but not speak I will literally give him his dummy or pull the quilt over him and leave again. We went through a stage of getting him in our bed then this became a habit we needed to break. He will often wake at 6amish and play for a good 30/45 mins in his room.

His routine in the day is:

7.30am-9am: beaker of milk plus breakfast of cereal and banana

Midday: lunch of something like beans on toast

1-2.30pmish: nap

4-5.30pmish- dinner and dessert

6pm-7pm: wind down time with books, milk etc

7pm-7.30ish: in bedroom playing or chilling in bed before falling asleep

Not sure if any of this helps... just our experience at the moment. Good luck.

Changeismyname · 30/12/2020 09:25

Is there a reason he’s having formula rather than cows milk? I appreciate he may have an allergy which means you’ve stuck with formula but otherwise I’d be moving to cows milk. And dropping the bottle in the middle of the day (an ounce at a time every few days if he needs gradually weaning off it) as he sounds too full to eat at tea time, but he can’t make it to morning without feeling hungry. I have the same issue with my 17mth old - if he doesn’t eat well at dinner time he wakes early.

user1493494961 · 30/12/2020 11:03

He's filling up on milk, just give him some in a cup.

QuentinWinters · 30/12/2020 11:09

I taught mine to recognise 7am on a clock and told him he wasn't allowed out of his room til then - he could get up and play but not come out. It worked but tbf he was not trying to get up at 4.30.

Cotti · 30/12/2020 11:21

Warmth is another good thing to check. A toddler sleeping bag would ensure he isn't getting too cold.

BigRedBoat · 30/12/2020 15:02

Could it be night terrors? If mine wake up crying that's usually a sign they're not ready to be awake (but won't go back to sleep). Would he settle watching tv/tablet in your bed until a more reasonable hour?