What is your routine? New mum feeling like I'm the only one who doesnt have a clue!

[MJBmummy]

Hi. I have a 10 week old son and wanted to ask very generally how you look after your baby (not the real basics but more what is your routine?). We dont seem to have any sort of routine yet but I'm just starting to make night and day very separate. He will only sleep up to a couple of hours in his cot overnight but napping during the day he will wake up a few minutes after I put him down, though will happily nap on me for hours. I feed him on demand and change his nappy as I think it's needed. The health visitor said he has silent reflux and has suggested carobel and keeping him upright for 30 minutes after feeding. However she has also said to put him in his cot when drowsy rather than asleep in order for him to sleep longer. I dont see how this can work as he always falls asleep during the 30 minutes I'm holding him to keep him upright. If I wake him up I have to start all over again or he will just cry when put in his cot when wide awake. Overnight I'm currently feeding, cuddling/rocking for 30 minutes after then putting him in the cot. He will sleep for up to 2 hours then we start again, though if he needs a nappy change it will take longer to put him down as the change wakes him up! I feel like it's a choice of tackling the reflux or sleep at the moment.
Can you give me a rough idea of your routines please?

So I’m also a first time mum with a 11w old DD, and feel like I’m failing miserably!
We just started attempting a routine this week, and it’s going so-so.
I breastfeed her though, so may be a bit different to a bottle fed baby.
During the day I feed her on demand and try to get her to nap as much as possible ; but like for you this hardly ever works anywhere except in my arms. Whenever she wakes from her last nap of the day (around 6pm I guess), I give her her first dinner. Then I try to keep her up at least for 1.5h/2h before I start the “bedtime routine”. This currently means another breastfeed (which is mostly a top-up really, as she doesn’t really ask for it), nappy change, and depending on if she’s asleep after her meal I cuddle her and sing a few lullabies. I do all this with the white noise machine on, and in the semi-darkness in our room. I’m still trialling whether breastfeeding to sleep or putting her down “awake but drowsy” is what works best... either way it takes her ages to properly fall asleep, and I need to sit next to her for about 1/2 hour popping her dummy back in until she’s finally asleep. This usually takes around half an hour.
She then usually wakes for her first feed of the night at 2am. After this, i find that each night is different. Either she’ll go straight back to sleep and only wake again at around 5am, OR she’ll be really fussy all night... needless to say I’m exhausted haha. Hoping things will get easier in the weeks to come!!

Forgot to say that the whole “awake but drowsy” also had me wondering. I sometimes try to do this by changing her nappy AFTER feeding her, as this will wake her up. But I then feel like I lose out on the sleepy hormones the breastfeed gives... and she’ll only fall asleep in her cot with the dummy. Which she loses or rips out every 10 seconds. Without a dummy she definitely cries and wants to be picked up.

I didn’t bother with a routine until she started to fall into one by herself many months later. Have you read up on the fourth trimester? It’s so completely normal he sleeps better on or next to you, you’re warm, cosy, smell like home, he likes to hear your heartbeat and your voice. You’re all he knew for 9 months.

Sounds like you’re doing wonderfully. You’re being just what he needs while he’s adjusting to his big bright new world and learning day from night.

Have you thought about cosleeping? It’s perfectly safe if you follow the safe 7, look it up. As long as he wasn’t preterm, you’re breastfeeding, neither you nor anyone you share a bed with is on medication or drinking or smoking you might find it convenient and allows you and him to get more sleep.

For now, while he’s still so little, if you’re happy holding him while he sleeps then go with it. I don’t regret a minute I held mine, she slept on one or other of us for months.

I didn’t really have a routine till about 12 weeks & my son kinda fell in to his own routine. He started getting tired the same times of the day so I used that as a guide. He has a pretty good routine now at 6m. Don’t always stick rigid to it but follow as much as possible. My son had horrific colic for the first 6/8 weeks & I just took what sleep I could when I could no matter what time of day!
The awake but drowsy doesn’t seem to work with my DS. He tends to fall sleep in my arms in the bedroom (super dark!) then I put him in his crib. Sometimes he can be unsettled & take a bit of settling. But after his dream feed about 10ish he sleeps pretty well till 6am.

I wouldn't say we have a routine either. My daughter who is about 16 weeks, won't sleep in a cot during the day. At all. She will however fall asleep in our arms. Although at the moment she seems to be going through a fear of missing out phase and battles sleep during the day she's had the grand total of about an 1.5 hours since 7am this morning.

At night my wife will give her a feed at around 9pm at which point so wife can sleep I'll have her until she sleeps if she's asleep and in her cot thing by 1030pm it's a good night. She'll wake at around 2 and 6 for food.

I may not be a mum, but I too feel like I havnt got a clue what I'm doing ...

But I do know I'll hate the day the baby cuddles till she falls asleep stop!.

My DD is 15 weeks, and we've been trying to do a routine of bath, massage, book & boob to put her to sleep at night. It is not working. She is in no kind of schedule and at this very moment she has been awake for 3.5 hours and is screaming the house down (DH is cuddling her as she keeps refusing boob).

Forget about routines until they're 6 months at least. Honestly. Stop going by what books tell you what you should do and start going by what your baby wants and need. Relax.

@heroineinahalfshell

My DD is 15 weeks, and we've been trying to do a routine of bath, massage, book & boob to put her to sleep at night. It is not working. She is in no kind of schedule and at this very moment she has been awake for 3.5 hours and is screaming the house down (DH is cuddling her as she keeps refusing boob).

Because she's too young!

At 10 weeks there is zero point in trying to follow any kind of routine. From maybe 3 months they may start to fall into a loose routine of their own (or it may take longer which is fine). There are apps that can help you with nap times (I used huckleberry for a while which made me feel more in control), but until you're out of the 4th trimester stage you're just stressing yourself out for no reason. I'm sure you're doing great, babies are just hard.

Attempting a routine before about 4 months will just make you miserable as baby’s don’t generally fit well into routines when they’re still so tiny. Just respond to his needs.
Only thing you might want to do is look up ‘windows of wakefulness’ to give you a guide of how long he should be staying awake between naps. That can help avoid them getting overtired.

Oh and in my experience “awake but drowsy” is not even a thing.

Ive got 2 DS's and expecting dc3 in march. Your routine should be to give the baby what they need when they need it as much as possible.

If they want feeding every 20mins do it. If they want to sleep on you do it (get a sling so you don't feel so tied to the sofa/house). Fighting what your baby wants/needs will be painful and pointless; they don't understand the concept of routine and their brains aren't developed enough to wait - all they understand is the immediately now and what they.need at that time (they may not know what they need of course- you have the fun of guessing)

Ds2 had reflux and I had to keep him upright for around 30mins post feed. Also ebf so was feeding very frequently; at night I often dozed with him in a skin to skin top while I was sitting up. During the day a sling helped massively especially with a toddler in tow. I found (and expect with dc3) that I needed to spend 12 hours in bed to get 8 hours sleep for about the first 3-4 months.

Good luck. You are both still here. You are not failing.

@horehound I'm not.trying to get her to go to bed at the same time every night, just to follow her wake windows so she doesn't get overtired (using huckleberry). But she just refuses to go down so is awake far too long (over 3 hours) between sleeps and grumpy/whingeing for at least the last hour of that. I'm at a loss how to help her sleep better so your comment is really unhelpful.

'Drowsy but awake' is bollocks, I can't even do it with my 22 month old so I don't know why HVs think it will work with a newborn. Just wait until they seem deeply asleep and lay down veeerrrrrrry gently.

I found getting outside was essential, I think it helped my baby learn the difference between night and day quite quickly. At this time of year especially you need all the light you can get. I would aim to get out for a walk (with a sling of they don't like the pram) after breakfast, and again after lunch. It gives you something to focus on and helps pass the day.

Think about routine around 3-4 months, that's when it all starts to get a bit better.

I would advise that you do what you need to in order to get through the difficult baby phase. If that means feeding to sleep then so be it.

In my experience, putting a baby down drowsy but awake doesn't work with some babies. Some babies just need that comforting human touch to make themselves feel safe enough to sleep. My first baby was one of these. I ended up bed sharing. Sometimes she would wake once a night, sometimes every hour. It depended on lots of factors - I could only guess at what was going on.

With my second baby, he could self sooth from a very early stage and would fall asleep if I left him in his crib. I still feed him to sleep as it's the quickest way to get him to sleep, but he rolls over himself when he finishes his feed. He will just wake once in the night for a nappy change and quick feed.

In my experience, if you have a high needs baby no amount of putting them down awake but drowsy or other sleep training will work. It will just stress you out. I would just try to adapt to ensure you get the most rest possible for you. Can you co-sleep safely. Can you let her nap on you, if that's what she needs and get help with chores or anything else you think you should be doing.

I found it very stressful trying to "fix" my first baby's sleep. I wish I had just accepted it earlier.

@Horehound @heroineinahalfshell
Not too young. My son had a routine from 12 weeks. He goes to sleep between 6:30/7:30 every night. Sometimes if he’s had a day of rubbish naps & super tired then 6pm. We have the same routine of bath, bottle, bed. Just keep going with it.

Yes but maybe you were lucky. The point is people read online and books about what should be happening rather than just going with the flow, less pressure etc.

Thanks all ; I really wish there was less information out there about what should be happening. It freaks me out and makes me doubt my parenting skills. I guess it’s perfectly normal for my 11w old baby to only nap on me and to wake every 2 hours to eat at night... I guess it’s just frustrating because it feels like it’s always going to be like that

Thanks for the comments everyone. It is reassuring to hear from real people that I'm not alone in how things are currently working (or not!). It is so overwhelming looking online at all the different methods and guidance to try; it makes you feel like you should be tackling so many different aspects at one time and I just dont know where to start. It made me feel like I was behind and I worried thay was unfair on my baby, that I should be better by now. I'm going to try and just take one day at a time rather than thinking of the bigger picture which is stressful! I also think I will just stick to keeping the day/ night method at the moment because although he's not sleeping very long at any one time, he does sleep longer overall during the night than napping during the day. One thing that seems to be working at least.