How to reduce my input

[S082018]

Hi all

Last week I posted about my horrendous my 10 month olds sleep suddenly became. I believe it was a phase of separation anxiety as he was becoming very clingy and only wanting me at bedtime and screaming until I held him.

Luckily, for the past 6 days or so, things have been better. He has been going to sleep in his cot at the start of his night sleep. My problem is, he needs a lot of help from me to get to sleep. I often have to rub his back and repeatedly say "good boy" until he's nodded off. It's so much better than it was, but my problem is he wakes frequently in the night and needs my input each time.
I end up bringing him in the bed with me by 3am most nights just so that we get a few hours of solid sleep. I am now back at work so it's really important that I'm not waking up exhausted every day.

My problem is this:

1. I want my little one to not depend on me to get to sleep each time
2. I want to get to a point where I don't need to bring him into the bed with me as a way of getting some rest

How do I go about reducing my input without him having a complete meltdown? At the moment he has a period of the night where he wakes every hour until I cave and let him sleep with me and it's just not sustainable.

I would love to be able to share a bed with my husband again at some point and not wake up feeling like a failure for giving in and letting the baby come into my bed!

If when he woke up you brought him straight to your bed would he fall back quickly and then be transferred?

@LouiseTrees yes he sleeps so well next to me in the bed so he would fall asleep very quickly but would wake the minute he's transferred back in the cot!
I'm really wanting to steer away from picking him up and only really do this after multiple wake ups when we are both exhausted and in need of a few hours of unbroken sleep!
Otherwise I try and settle him any way I can before picking. Hence the back rubbing has become a bit of a habit now.

Could it be he’s too cold? Maybe if the body heat is helping. Or a positional thing like silent reflux if he likes being on his side but not back

@LouiseTrees I don't think it's a hot/cold issue. I monitor the temp in the room quite well and dress him accordingly.

I haven't considered silent reflux as a possible reason, as he doesn't ever seem uncomfortable on his back but definitely prefers to be sleeping on his side or stomach.

It sounds like you need to work on the input at bedtime with a view to him falling asleep on his own. If he falls asleep by himself at bedtime it would most likely stop or at least greatly reduce the frequent night wakings.
You could try and minimise meltdowns by doing it gradually? So maybe try to gradually reduce the amount of back rubbing until you just have a hand on his back still, then no touching and just shushing, then sitting next to him not touching him until he falls asleep, then moving a bit further away from his cot until eventually you’re putting him in the cot awake and leaving? It might take quite a while. But if I wanted a gradual approach I’d try something like that.

Thank you @alwaysmarmiteontoast that makes sense. I could most definitely give that a go. Is this something that you have used yourself with success?

No, but I’ve got friends who have and it’s worked for them. I did think about it but wanted something that worked more quickly because I was so tired! And I found my DS was better if he was given a bit of space to learn how to fall asleep on his own (I tried a method where you stay in the room all the time and he had a complete meltdown!)
He most likely will cry a bit because it’s a change in what he knows as normal but worth it for the extra sleep you’ll get!

@alwaysmarmiteontoast thank you for this. Interesting you say that about giving him time and space to fall asleep on his own... I'm wondering if maybe my input was frustrating him or overstimulating him somewhat as for the past two nights, he has settled down amazingly well after about 10 minutes of tossing and turning, with zero back rubbing or patting. I'm mainly opting for verbal reassurance, saying "good boy" or "lie down" when he's sitting up. I hope I'm not speaking too soon but last night he only woke twice and settled down himself fairly quickly!!
He's also taken to a new thing of shaking his head (as if he's nodding to say no) before crashing his little head on his mattress and nodding off. Not sure if this is something to be alarmed about at this stage but I do find it adorable 🤣 I'm thinking he's discovered his own little way of settling and soothing himself.