At my wits end with DS’s sleep! Emotional and feel like a failure.

[Forevercurious]

DS is 9 months old and has never been a great sleeper. Days and nights are difficult in different ways and I just feel like a failure with it all. He feeds to sleep but has self settled in the day time by himself.

I have tried so hard to implement a sleep routine in the day, I even signed up to the little ones sleep programme and it just doesn’t work! He will have a good day and have a 30 minute nap in the morning and then maybe an hour and a half around lunch time. The next day I’ll do the exact same thing, following the same awake windows and he’ll have a 20 minute morning nap and then wake up frequently during the long nap and then won’t resettle.

Yesterday for example, he had 3 20 minute naps which is nowhere near enough sleep. He took over an hour to settle at bedtime which is unusual and has been awake since 5:40 this morning when he usually sleeps until 7ish. He’s so overtired already and I just don’t know what to do.

No day is the same. When I first began following the little ones sleep programme I found it very restrictive and liked it sucked all of the enjoyment out of the day - constantly thinking he needs a feed at this time, must be in his bed by this time etc but I followed it anyway and it made no difference. Only affecting my mental wellbeing! So then I tried a more flexible approach just using the awake windows as a guide which works well on some days and then doesn’t on another day. I used the huckleberry app to predict nap times.

He’s still up 2/3 times a night and has a feed each time, he won’t settle for DP so it all falls to me. I’m ready to stop feeding him to sleep which I can do in the day but at night time how do I get him to have his bedtime milk (bottle refuser) without falling to sleep?!

My other issue is that I’m so tired so when he wakes during the night it’s easier to just feed him back to sleep rather than persevere with settling him another way so in a way I’m making the situation worse for myself but I’m so tired it’s all I can do.

I am exhausted and feel like his whole life I have been so focused on his sleep / routine which is not what I wanted at all. I’m worried he’s not getting enough sleep and this is going to affect him in some way.

Sorry for the long, rambled post.

Hi. I am also relieved to hear what you say about the little ones programme. I have it but have been putting off doing it as I feel a bit sad about having such a strict routine. Especially now we are only just able to start going to baby classes and seeing more people I don't want to feel like we are in lockdown again.

If your little one has a shorter nap than planned, does he wake up content? Or wake up and is clearly still tired? If mine wakes up happy enough then I assume he has had enough sleep. If he wakes up screaming or grumpy I try my hardest to get him to go back to sleep but sometimes it just won't happen and I have to grit my teeth for a grumpy baby for the rest of the day. Will be watching this thread with interest!

@Crimblecrumble1990, I love your username 😀

@Fivebyfive2 I’m glad you agree! It’s such a shame they con tired mums. And they give the refunds so quickly that I’m so suspicious now lol.

@Forevercurious
i really don’t think you should feel guilty about letting him sleep on you!!!! As long as he is getting some sleep that’s all that counts. I let my daughter sleep on me and she goes in the cot too. My partner knows he must be quiet during bedtime and nap time or he will be getting told off 😂
In that situation you describe I have found a quick walk outside resets the tiredness and it means your OH can do it and you can have a brew 😅

Good luck and I always think it helps to remember that it’s not forever and also everything is new and exciting to them and their brains are doing a lot of work. Sometimes my daughter really fights going to sleep aswell. It’s hard. But you’ll get there x

So I have also forked out for the Little Ones programme 🙋🏻‍♀️

But like you, I hated it and it just made me so so stressed. I felt there was no flexibility and I was always anxious for the next thing on the routine.

My DS is just 9 months now and I'm out the other side and we have found something that works and he is a happy sleeper and happy napper but it's been a long road of trial and error.

I would also say I do miss him falling asleep on me and cuddles. But it got to the point with DS that he just refused to sleep whether I held him or not so I really needed to try something. And I now get 2.5-3 hours a day to myself which I do enjoy and feel I'm better organised and spend time thinking about what we're going to do when he's awake.

I would caveat what we did by saying I don't think there is a one size fits all. My DS hated controller crying and got more and more worked up. He didn't really respond to bum pats either... but the gradual retreat worked amazingly.

I do think LOs has some great tips on how to break away from sleep aids. This is the one thing I rated! For us, it wasn't feeding to sleep but was the dummy. We ditched it following LO in 3 nights so it might be worth trying to break this habit first if you are going to work on some training?

Before doing the sleep training, we put a routine in place. Luckily we used it from 12 weeks. We do it for naps and everything. And I'm talking to the letter, same lullaby's, same order of things, same pink noise. Everything is exactly the same. This has also meant he can nap in other locations as these elements are always the same and are familiar to him.

With the gradual retreat, I sat on a chair over his cot and put him down awake but having done our go to bed routine. I sang, shushed and hummed to him and put my hand in to stroke his belly, forehead or just place a comforting hand on. After a minute, I took my hand away but kept on shushing/humming/singing or comforting words. After 2 minutes without my hand, I put my hand back in.
And the above on repeat. I found because I wasn't coming and going, he whined a bit but never got really upset and after 35 mins just went to sleep.

I did the above for naps too and on the second night he was asleep in 10 with no whining.

Night 3 I only offered my hand if he got upset.

Night 4 I moved the chair so he couldn't see me but still sung or shushed him.

At this point, you're supposed to be able to just leave but I enjoy watching him fall asleep so I've always stayed in the room.

The second night I followed this he slept through. He now has two solid naps a day and sleeps 11 hours overnight. And usually takes 5 minutes to get to sleep.

If you want to embark on some sleep training then it is really about consistency and sticking with something-but I also think you know you're own child enough to know what isn't working. I stopped during several attempts as I could see he wasn't responding.

Equally-it's great to have cuddles so if you're enjoying them then don't let anyone tell you to stop because 'he should be sleeping through'. Most other 9 month olds I know are still having at least one feed overnight so I don't think you're alone!!

OP it’s so hard my first DD was a hopeless sleeper (I too got the slightly crap little ones programme and found it useless).

DC2 is a better sleeper (8.5 months) our routine

6:30 wake up (6oz bottle)
7:15 breakfast
9-10 nap
10:00 5oz bottle
11:45 lunch
12-2 long nap
2:00 6oz bottle
4-4:45 nap
5:00 dinner
6:30 3 oz bottle
7:00 bed

Looks rigid but we are flexible around those times and she will nap in car/pram etc so that’s good.

Honestly a lot of it is just the child. DC2 fell into a great routine and slept through more than 7 months before my first. I’m not a better parent this time, maybe she’s a better baby?! She still definitely needs 3 naps but some need 2 at this age. It’s frustrating when they don’t do it ‘right’ and you do everything to follow the guide and they wake early etc (I remember it well) but one day it will be distant memory!

It’s good to hear other people are feeding their little ones over night too! My baby boy is 7 months next week and I end up feeding him twice on a good night- around 11pm and 3am. He can self settle like a trooper, we have a good bedtime routine and I just put him down when he’s tired for naps in the day- usually about 2 hours after waking up, so a fairly loose daytime routine. We’ve just started weaning him around 6 months. Everything I read says he should be able to sleep through the night and I know he can as he’s done 7/8 hours before when he’s been tired and I’ve been stubborn enough not to give in. But I find it so hard to convince myself night after night over and over again that he doesn’t need a feed when he’s screaming! How do you know if he’s being as stubborn as me and just wants the comfort? Sometimes it’s obvious as he doesn’t take much before he’s asleep again but sometimes he has a good feed??! He’s exclusively bf. Any advice on what to expect with nighttime feedings??

@Astrid7, I think if he is able to get back to sleep on his own if he doesn't and is really crying he probably still needs the feed? Maybe once he's on 3 meals a day think about trying to drop one feed at a time or push it back a bit and see how it goes?

Saying that, not sure why I'm giving advice as my 9 month old was up 5 times last night!! Hasn't been that bad for a while, not sure wtf is going on?!

@Crimblecrumble1990 - he usually wakes up quite happy, he’s generally a happy and content baby so I definitely have no complaints there! if I try and resettle him but he’s clearly wide awake, looking around or messing about then I just stop and assume nap time is over and he’s slept enough. But if he is clearly still tired he does resettle quite well.

@Hellothere19999 - that’s true and now I’m thinking why would I feel guilty about cuddling / holding my baby? Isn’t it funny how emotions and feelings can change day to day!

@JimandPam - Thank you, that sounds like a better self settling method which I think I could deal with!! The only issue I have is that DS will not just lay down in his cot, he’s crawling around or sitting up which makes these things a bit tricker. However that said I do think I need to commit to a method and give it a fair go without giving in so easily!

@Napqueen1234 congrats on baby number 2 being a sleeper 🎉😂 it’s very true that each baby is so different and I do need to stop focusing on what I’m doing ‘wrong’ or the fact he hasn’t done it ‘right’ as to him it’s not right or wrong - it’s just how he is or how he’s feeling!

@Astrid7 I’m sorry to hear you’re in the same position but I’m afraid I have no advice on the night feeds as I’m in the same boat. Some of my friends babies still work for feeds and they’re over a year! I do think it’s normal to wake for a feed but maybe not three or four (assuming they’re eating well at meal times and having enough milk during the day!) That said, I’m sure I was told that if baby has a proper feed at the first wake up and then wakes again soon after chances are it’s not hunger it’s comfort so try to settle without milk at this wake up - I never tried because tiredness always won but it could be something to consider?

He has begun waking when he’s put down in his cot and I wonder if this is part of the regression / separation anxiety as we’ve never had this issue before. I was also going to begin the 2,3,4 method today however he’s been awake since 6:30 which is still early for him so if he sleeps at 8:30 he’ll be awake by 9 meaning his lunch nap will be due at 12ish which is usually lunch time and then bedtime will probably be around 5:30 so I’m going to have to shuffle the timings slightly or do I stick to the 2,3,4 but squeeze in an extra nap around 4ish?

Quite a lot of babies are down to 2 naps per day at 9 months - you then hit the dilemma of dropping the late afternoon nap and bringing forward bed time or let them have the nap and accept a later bed time.

Neither way matters btw.

[quote Forevercurious]@Fivebyfive2 well right now DS is asleep on me so that’s a total failure. He done an hour in his cot and then woke up, I resettled him by feeding but every time I tried to put him down he woke up so he’s having a cuddle! I’m hoping that by having a decent nap now he will have a better nights sleep so I can attempt it again tomorrow!

I think my biggest problem is that I can’t fully commit to any type of sleep training. One minute I’m desperate for him to self settle and the next I’m thinking “oh he’s only little once, enjoy this cuddles I’ll miss them one day etc”[/quote]
Just wanted to say I totally get this in terms of not being able to commit. I feel very conflicted with my awful sleeping 7.5 month old... Part of me absolutely loves the cosleeping and cuddles but the other part desperately needs some sleep / evening with my husband back!

@Kty8901 I wish I knew what the answer was in regards to sleep training! I think I’m going to stop breastfeeding once he’s 12 months so I’m hoping that will help!

So yesterday was a great day in terms of naps, we followed the 2,3,4 method (well it was 2hrs 15, 3hrs 15 and 4) and he slept for 2 whole hours in his cot over lunch time! today hasn’t followed that at all as he fell asleep in the car on our way back from a baby class so a later lunch nap today!