How would you feel about planning to feed to sleep and/or cosleep?
Personally, I struggled like you did when DD was that age. I’d read all about the importance of teaching your baby to self settle from an early age, and was absolutely determined to master the “drowsy but awake” thing. I’m sure it works for lots of people, but in my case it was a disaster - DD would get really distressed, or would wake up within minutes of being put down, or would nod off for a bit but then be awake and screaming in distress... it was a nightmare and I felt totally crap.
I decided that I couldn’t deal with this level of stress in the evenings and to just feed her to sleep lying next to her (we had a beside-bed cot you could put the side down on). Very quickly decided it was brilliant! She was content to nod off, and once she was definitely asleep I’d roll away and read a book/do something on my iPad for 20 minutes as she always woke to check I was there after one sleep cycle! A quick bit of patting, or at worst a 2 minute feed and she was right back off again and would sleep solidly for a good 4 hours or so. Because she’d gone to sleep without a battle/stress we managed To avoid over tiredness and she slept far better than if we’d had a battle, and I was much more chilled out too!
I actually stuck with feeding her to sleep for a looooong time, because it worked so well! She’d go to sleep happily if it was dark, light, off schedule, lots of noise downstairs.... there was no need to have everything else perfect, so it worked really well for us. So we kept up bedtime feed till she was 2.
It didn’t stop her learning sleep independence in other ways and at other times of day (which I had worried about massively). By 4 Months, she was perfectly happy napping in the pram or in the car, which I found hugely helpful as we were so flexible. My DH liked to snuggle with her on his chest for naps when he was looking after her (and watch the telly!), my DMum liked to take her out in the pram and then park her up in the garden. When she started nursery, her key worked cuddled her to sleep on the first day, but on the second day she just lay down on her mat like all the other kids and went straight to sleep with a lullaby. I wasn’t totally stuck at home for all evenings either - although my DH didn’t get the hang of settling her when she was small, my DMum and my MIL could both sing her to sleep or get her to nod off with a bottle.
When I decided I wanted to make a change, it was far easier than I thought. I was worried as it had been such a long habit it would be hard to break. Nope. Not a tear in sight. I just started finishing the feed while she was awake and then cuddling her or singing to her until she fell asleep. After a couple of weeks we dropped the feed entirely. Then I used to sing the same songs, but kiss her goodnight and leave before she was asleep. No tears at all, because she was older and didn’t need the comfort any more. She’s an extremely good sleeper now (3, so quite a lot older), and we don’t have any trouble with bedtimes, which are lovely and calm, or early morning waking or anything like that.
I’m expecting twins at the moment. I’m going to try the “drowsy but awake” thing again, as all children are different and seem to have very different needs with regards to sleep. But if feeding to sleep is what works, this time I won’t be afraid of it! I’ll do it as long as I’m happy with it and it works well, knowing that if I change my mind and want to do it differently later, it’s really not a bit deal and older children need a lot less support and comfort.
Basically, do what works for you. Don’t feel guilty about it! You can always make changes as soon as it isn’t what you want to do any more.