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What to do when sleep training doesn't work

8 replies

Timbob33 · 23/08/2020 20:16

I reluctantly tried controlled crying after I'd tried everything else to get my 20 month old ds to sleep at bedtime. But it didn't work and if anything, made him worse.

He's never been the best sleeper, we coslept when he was a baby which helped, but even when he moved to his own room I still had to sit with him until he was asleep. I never minded as he fell to sleep quickly and only woke once in the night. But over the last few months, his sleep has been awful. Taking nearly two hours to fall asleep at bedtime, waking multiple times in the night.

I've tried everything...sitting with him, leaving him on his own, cuddling, white noise, no noise, pitch black, night lights, different blankets, no blankets, cosleeping, adjusting his daytime naps, snack before bed, drink etc, cuddly toys, music, daddy's tried putting him to bed, tried putting him in the same room as his older sister. But whatever I try, he screams hysterically and keeps his sister awake in the room next door. The only thing that keeps him happy is if I sit next to his cot stroking his head. But I'm tired of doing this for two hours every night and again at each night time wake up. He screams if my husband tries so we can't even take it in turns. I'm exhausted to say the least.

So I tried controlled crying. I've never done it before and I felt awful leaving him to cry but after months of exhaustion, I felt I needed to just try it. But even that didn't work! So what next? Ride it out? It's been going on for months so I doubt it'll end any time soon.

I'll add that he's a healthy 20 month old, incredibly happy, not teething, he has a calm bedtime routine which he enjoys and it clearly relaxes him. But when it's time to get in his cot, the screaming starts. Any advice or words of comfort much appreciated!! X

OP posts:
WeatherObsessed · 23/08/2020 20:46

It's been a long time since I was in the midst of this stage but didn't want to read and run. It does get better, I promise! I think every child is different so what works for me (and anyone else commenting) won't necessarily work for you.

For my DS1 a very gradual withdrawal worked. So this could look like going from stroking your DS's head to intermittently stroking whilst keeping your hand on his head when not stroking, gradually lengthening the time you're not stroking. Once you get to the point that your hand is just resting on his head perhaps progress to resting your hand partially on his mattress and partially on his head, to fully on the mattress but touching his head. Then go to your hand resting on his mattress but away from his head. And so on.

For my DS2, his sleep was terrible and I tried all sorts but in the end it was just time that he needed. He was about 15 months when he started to sleep through though so I can see why you are keen to do something. I did find The No Cry Sleep Solution helpful.

Have you tried talking to your DS about it during the day and asking him how he feels or why he cries? Does he have enough vocabulary to give you a clue?

FATEdestiny · 24/08/2020 12:54

The only thing that keeps him happy is if I sit next to his cot stroking his head

I would suggest that, to begin with, you stroke his head only when distressed. Once he's calm and settled, stay sitting next to the cot but not stroking him. If he gets distressed then stroke again, but always stop and just sit when he's settled.

Timbob33 · 24/08/2020 19:50

Thank you for your replies and advice. I did try a gradual retreat method a few months back when his sleep first started to get worse, but looking back, maybe I gave up too quickly. I will definitely give this another go. And it's also just comforting to know I'm not alone in this!! Thank you Smile

OP posts:
KeyboardMash · 25/08/2020 05:15

Does he still nap? If bedtime has gone wrong, it's probably time to drop it. But otherwise I don't have much to suggest other than the above. I feel for you.

PlanDeRaccordement · 25/08/2020 05:22

Some children start to get night terrors at this age. That then makes them afraid to go to sleep.

My one DD had them very bad. So we let her start her sleep on a futon after her bedtime in a section of our living room as hearing us moving around and being able to open her eyes and see me reading a book etc would comfort her.

We’d then all go to bed upstairs together. She shared a room with an older DD at the time and she’d be comforted seeing her sister safe and asleep. (If we tried to put them to bed together, she would keep up her elder sister).

Harrysmummy246 · 25/08/2020 18:43

I agree with @KeyboardMash

Only thing that improved bedtime for us was dropping the nap entirely

Harrysmummy246 · 25/08/2020 18:44

Either that or he's no longer happy in a cot but might be ready for a 'big boy bed'

Twizbe · 25/08/2020 18:57

With any sleep support the key is consistentcey. It will be hard the first night because you're not doing what they want any more. Usually it takes about a week for these techniques to fully work and each night it does get slightly easier.

I did controlled crying with both mine and the first night was hard but it got better very quickly

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