14 months... needs to sleep through the night now. HELP!!!!

[EnoughNowPls]

Desperate for help please!

DS is 14 months. He can’t settle himself at night. On a standard night, he wakes two or three times and is boobed back to sleep. On a bad night he is up 20,000 times. Nothing will settle him except boobs. He is awake no more than ten minutes a time, so I’ve just gone with it. I was waiting for it to magically sort itself out but it’s yet to happen. Now I’m back at work, I am exhausted.

Please help! How do I break this?!

So all the relevant info:

He sleeps 6.30pm - 6.30am. I usually ignore him for a bit when he wakes up because he is happily chatting. We get up somewhere between 6.45 and 7; BF then.
Breakfast 7.30 ish
Nap 9.30 - 11 (he isn’t fed or soothed to sleep: he shows the signs, I hand him his comforter and he puts his thumb in as I walk him up the stairs, he rolls over as soon as he is in his cot and it takes minutes)
Lunch 12.30
Nap 2 - 2.45 (as above; sometimes this nap will be out and about but he sleeps nicely in the car/in his pushchair)
Dinner 4.30
Bed 6.00 - 6.30 (consists of BF first, then bath, then bed; we don’t do a story because he gets impatient waiting for bed. He goes down quickly and without a fight).

I tend to see him 10pm, 1am, 4am. He generally just whinges, which turns into angry cry. I’ve tried ignoring him, it turns into absolute hysteria. The other night I tried so hard not to feed but he pretty much couldn’t breathe through crying so much, sounded like he was going to be sick. We’ve tried cows milk.

DH hands on, is in this with me!

When I stopped Night feeds my husband took over all night duty until my child had got Used to it. I can’t remember how long, probably only 2 or 3 nights. They still woke up at night, in fact my 4 year old still does now ☹️☹️, but it was easier to settle
Them and dh could help
Out more when we weren’t relying on boob to get them back to sleep.

It’s been a while since DD was this age but we did the same as whatthe, I stopped going in offering boobs. DD had been sleeping through but a combination of teething, upset stomach and staying somewhere else upskittled her routine.

So we tried DH took a bottle in but DD screwed her nose up each time, accepted a cuddle with him then went back to sleep. This happened 3 nights in a row. The 4th night we had a bottle of pre-mixed formula by the bed because it was a waste of milk! That night she slept through.

Thank you both. I’m happy enough to stop feeding him overnight, I just can’t work out practically how that works? Can you talk me through what it was for you? Usually we send DH in first (so he knows that boobs aren’t coming!) but is hysterical. We’ve never successfully settled him back to sleep after the hysteria. On the odd occasion I’ve not been at home (sometimes I’m not for the 11pm wake), DH can stop the hysteria by getting him fully awake and letting him walk around etc. But he can’t get him back to sleep again.

As others have said my DP does the whole bedtime routine every night. Bath, teeth, bottle of cows milk and gets up when he wakes in the night. We started this routine around 11 months and hes now 16 months and sleeps through 90% of the time. I didnt force the night weaning it just kind of happened when DP took over at night. Up until 11 months he woke between 3-6 times a night to bf. Have you thought about pushing the morning nap til 11ish and dropping the pm one? We dropped the second nap around 13 months and its made a difference

We started from the last feed of the night, so didn't feed him after 4am, then 2am etc. It meant if he didn't get back to sleep after 4 it was less awful than the thought of not going to sleep all night! It was actually a lot easier than I thought and it probably took a week for him to sleep through, although another month to sleep through consistently. It will mean the wake ups are longer, as you can't just do a 10minute feed, and it might be a bit of trial and error to what settles him. Some people use controlled crying, some rock and cuddle. We take him downstairs for a bit and then put him back to bed.

As others have said stop feeding during the night.

I think to do this accept that you're not going to get any sleep during the night and tantrums will happen, don't give in to these as it will set you back. I think the best solution would be for yourself to go away for a few nights and leave daddy to it. That way you'll be refreshed and on hand during the day and daddy will do the night shift

Thanks all!

So I think what I’m hearing is cry it out. We’ve tried a million different ways to settle without feeding, and all end in hysteria. Tbh I’ve never been able to rock him to soothe since he was a tiny baby, he gets so angry.

orangesandstrawberries thank you, that sounds like the best tactic! Definitely less daunting to do it that way.

I think tonight we’ll pick the 4am feed, shut his door and see what happens!

You don't have to do cry it out (that's when you shut the door and leave them) controlled crying ( when you do timed check ins).
If you stop feeding through the night your child won't be happy. They are used to getting milk when they want to get them back to sleep. That's the sleep habit they have created. They will take tantrums, a night time tantrum is no different than a day time tantrum.

You can be with your child and reassure them or can leave the room.

It

What do you do on the timed check ins / what’s the outcome?

I think I’ve misunderstood what controller crying is - our aim has always been to stop the crying (and never been successful). So is it more that they’re still crying, but you’re just in the room with them (patting and sshing or whatever)?

In my experience stopping breastfeeding does fuck all for night waking. All 3 of mine were just shit sleepers until about 3 and not reliably sleeping through every night until 4/5.

I tried everything, they just wouldn’t stay asleep and would get up and come get me.

It’s shit. My youngest is 3 and sleeps through once or twice a month but at least I can tell her to sleep on the other side of the bed and not lay all over me now. It gets better, it’s just a long process!

I would try rejigging the naps though to one long lunchtime sleep.

Controlled crying is when you go in to reassure them at set intervals. So say good night, leave the room, time 2 minutes and if they are still crying go back in for a minute to pat/shush (but not pick up). Then leave (even if still crying), go back in after 5mins gradually increasing intervals. Basically reassuring them you are still there, but allowing them to settle themselves. As pp have said you might find it more successful if your partner does this as feeding is then not an option. Good luck!

Dmtush 😫 this is a terrifying prospect! I actually don’t mind when he only wakes up a couple of times, it’s the nights of a million wakes that kill me.

By the sounds of it, “controlled crying” is the name of what we have been doing that ends in hysteria. But we’ve never timed it particularly. I think us being in there and not giving him what he wants might be making it worse. Zero plan for tonight, just going to continue to refuse boobs at the 4am mark and see what happens. I guess if I have to close the door and let him scream then so be it... I can’t see another way!

Thanks everyone

It’s worse in principle than in practice. Don’t get me wrong I’m sick to death of being sleep deprived but it incrementally improves so you don’t notice so much.

I hope you crack it though and sleep better than I have for the last decade :)

We tried controlled crying with my dd when we couldn't settle her 45 mins of screaming then eventually getting to sleep it was awful so we tried controlled crying.

Leave her for 2 mins (time it because 20 seconds feels like forever) then go in say night night time to sleep, a gentle pat but not picking up (unless to lie her back down). Then another 2 mins before next check in. If she was whimpering and calming down I left her, only went in if really upset so she knew we were there, but also consistent that it was time for bed.

First night was under 10 mins and by 4th night she went to sleep happily.

It was an easier decision for me because our attempts at settling weren't working. It might not work for everyone but definitely worth a try.

@Dmtush

In my experience stopping breastfeeding does fuck all for night waking. All 3 of mine were just shit sleepers until about 3 and not reliably sleeping through every night until 4/5.

I tried everything, they just wouldn’t stay asleep and would get up and come get me.

It’s shit. My youngest is 3 and sleeps through once or twice a month but at least I can tell her to sleep on the other side of the bed and not lay all over me now. It gets better, it’s just a long process!

I would try rejigging the naps though to one long lunchtime sleep.

Same here. Tried everything. He was 6/7 before he slept all night and even then it wasn’t consistent. I just got used to it!

The way I cut out feeding at night was to go into him as soon as he stirred to settle him. I just put him hand on his chest and shhed. Sometimes I had to do this 6/7 times before he would sleep. Sometimes he just went back to sleep, sometimes he wouldn't settle. When he got to the point of crying I fed him as there was no way of him settling after that. Nobody gets sleep when he's hysterical!

It's not a quick fix as he had to adjust to not immediately getting fed but gradually the hand on his chest was enough to sooth him and then he stopped waking up at night. It took him about 2 months to get used to it.

I did start that at about 10 months so I don't know if the same thing will work at 14 months.

ShayIsGreat do you think that getting to him quickly was a significant aspect in the success? I don’t use a monitor but both of our doors are open. I am confident I get to him pretty quickly as he’s always about-crying, he’s definitely just a bit pissy as opposed to being distressed, but I do often wonder if I got to him a bit faster then he’d be that little bit easier to settle. He’s rarely still laying down when I get in there.

Our DS was the same. We tried the Ferber method and it was hell for 1 night. Then he was suddenly fine and sleeping from 7-5. We couldn’t believe it as he’d never gone more than a few hours before that.

My DD was still waking through the night at the same age, and boobed back to sleep. She magically started sleeping through at about 18 months, I don't think we did anything different.

At around the same time, DS also started sleeping through. He was 5 years old 😱

So we went from 5 years of broken nights and 2 wakers to solid sleeping. It was amazing. It will happen for you too!

I tried everything. At 13 months I had no more options except snuggling and rocking him, putting him down when he was drowsy, and then doing cry it out.

1st night, hours of crying. All smiles next morning.
2nd night, 45 mins crying. All smiles next morning.
3rd night, nothing. He just went to sleep. All smiles next morning...

Never woke in the night again. I used to go in at 4/5am to dream feed him (i had too much milk and was always uncomfortable), he wouldn't even wake up.

Good luck op. Do what you need to to survive.