Not settling for anyone other than mum

[Kellyje90]

Tired ftm looking for advice

My almost eleven week old is a toughy to get to sleep, naps in particular. Since about 5 weeks old she has fought sleep like it was the devil! She’s very alert and curious and I think she just doesn’t want to miss out on anything but with no/limited naps she becomes really overtired, so so upset and is even more difficult to settle. Up until this point she sleeps well during the night (jinxed it) so almost feel like I can’t complain but I think that is down to me battling to ensure she naps sufficiently during the day. ‘Problem’ being is that I am the only person at this point she will nap for and even that is a tough task as she fights it tooth and nail most of the time. Also she will only contact nap on me, I have never been able to transfer her successfully without her waking either immediately or within ten minutes. I have tried naps in beside crib, pram etc but to no avail, she may fall asleep here but again usually wakes within ten to twenty minutes and that’s after spending twenty minutes to half an hour trying to get her down. She’ll then wake up, I’ll try to resettle her but usually without success and she’ll still be tired and irritable and harder to settle etc etc etc. I don’t mind the idea of contact napping but I’m finding it extremely difficult at the minute as she won’t A- let me put her down and B- nap/settle for anyone else and C- it’s so tough for even me to get her to sleep/nap so I feel like I spend most of my time trying to get her to nap in between interacting/entertaining her. It’s a struggle to get a break as I always need to be on hand to settle her as neither my partner or family members have yet been able to settle her. Also my one ‘break’ was taking her out in the pram for a walk twice a day which knocked off two naps but at 8 weeks she began screaming in the pram and refusing to fall asleep there and had done since. I have a sling which she will sleep in occasionally but even then it is a battle of me bouncing from side to side for the duration of the nap to keep her asleep. I’m finding myself a bit overwhelmed this last week as it’s quite full in and I’m just desperate for even one other person to be able to settle her. Also now when she becomes upset she won’t let my partner near her to even try and settle her to give me a break and just screams and screams until I hold her and battle her to sleep. Sorry for the ramble, I’m tried and anxious. Other than that’s she is just the best thing since sliced bread, I just need someone to be able to joe me now and again so I don’t burn out!

It's quite usual that baby will settle most easily (even though not exactly "easily") with one primary carer. It's basically because you've spent enough time with her to properly learn the tiny changes in her that might mean a certain type of movement is needed, or action required. You've learnt to read her better because you're with her most.

Others will do most of their learning through watching you. While your DH or Mum (or whoever) may well want to help and try really hard, they won't be as good as you. They can still learn, but that requires the same trial and error and all the time, energy and experience you put in - so it will take them more time to learn because they aren't with baby as much as you.

Others could still do "emergency measures" type sleep - say an hour's long car drive. Or taking baby out in pushchair with dummy. Or they could do the settling you do at home, but you all need to accept they won't be as good as you are at settling. And that's OK, they can still try and will get there in the end.

Or... Others could help with other stuff? Say cooking, cleaning, or whatever. That's a different way to take pressure form you.

Another option us to start working on teaching baby to sleep independently (a dummy may well help with this), which is more easily replicated by others.

One last thing to consider... you could be overwhelmed because your a FTM and it's a massive learning curve. Only you can know if this is affecting your mental health enough yo speak to your doctor about, but the first time you become a parent is overwhelming, for everyone. It could be that you just need to reframe what's happening and adjust your expectations a bit. You do mostly lose the independence and "me time" you used to have, for the first 6 month (at least) with a baby. It won't last forever, in fact relatively speaking it won't last long at all.