Baby sleeps better with other people?!

[Kty8901]

My daughter (nearly 7 months) has been a pretty bad sleeper since the 4 month sleep regression. She wakes up every 40 mins to 2 hours...occasionally a 3 hour block but that’s it. My husband has done the occasional night shift to give me a chance to sleep (she’s EBF but he’s given her a bottle of expresses milk)..and more recently my mum had her for the night (in our house, while we were in the spare room). With my husband she sometimes sleeps 4 hour blocks...with my mum she slept 9 hours!?

With both of them she tended to scream for about 15 mins (while being comforted) initially then sleep longer than she does with me! I can’t help but feel a little bit incompetent now that my own baby sleeps the worst with me but I’m guessing it’s to do with the breastfeeding. I’ve tried to limit how much I feed her in the night, sticking to just 10/11pm and 2/3am feeds but she screams her head off until she gets the boob and sometimes feeds, sometimes just comfort sucks to sleep. Whereas with my husband or mum she would settle, she doesn’t with me. I’m guessing she can smell the milk and probably is confused as to why she isn’t getting anything. If I persevere in just feeding at these set times during the night will this help the wakings or is she always going to be upset with me because she can smell the milk / associates it with me? I never feed to sleep during the day for naps but seems to be the only way she will settle in the night.

She’s also still in our room so maybe moving her would help...

Before battling with feeds, I'd maybe try putting her in her own room. When my son got to about 6 months it got to the point where we were disturbing each other at night being in the same room. He'd wake a few times a night and I'd give him a little feed each time and he'd go back to sleep. The first night I put him in his own room he slept the whole night through! He woke significantly less frequently once he was in his own room.

I also found that because he was in another room I didn't swoop in if stirred in the night like I did when he was in my room. I would leave him for a few minutes or until it became clear he was getting upset and I found that a lot of the time he'd have a little whinge and then settle back to sleep on his own if I didn't rush in. It was quite the revelation!

I would night wean completely - it will help you develop a way to settle baby to sleep that isn't feeding to drowsy. The main reason she has settled better for others is specifically due to going from bring fully awake to fully asleep in the cot. Being put into the cot already asleep or nearly asleep is the problem you have, as well as a feed to sleep association at night.

If you can't night wean totally then I'd at least drop the middle of the night feed. But really at 7 months you could drop all feeds for the 10-12h overnight - these will be 100% about comfort not calories. She'll quickly adapt daytime calorie intake when night feeds finish. But to be able to night wean you need to have an alternate comforting mechanism.

Same here.
DD would alwaaaays sleep better for my DM than she would here, sleep longer in the morning too. She was bottle fed so was a bit different from you.
I used to be amazed when my DM would tell me how she slept. I think DD just liked making me out to be a liar as would go on about how bad her sleep was and then she would be the perfect little angel for granny!

I'd send DH in to her in the night all of the time now then until she is night weaned.

OP I've read an explanation for this widespread phenomenon which now makes me view it very different from the 'mainstream' view you'll hear everywhere.

Basically, children are 'programmed' from thousands of years of evolution to need someone to protect them - who they attach themselves to. It's literally a matter of survival, and so a child will automatically form a very strong attachment to whoever looks after them the most. You're their safe place, quite literally.

Attachment is like a rubber band. The child will go and explore on their own (say at a baby group), but then feel a deep pull back to their safe place (i.e. you) which needs to be satisfied quickly. The rubber band can't stay stretched for a long time. It needs your closeness again and the oxytocin that comes from it.

The same at night - night times are the riskiest for a baby in evolutionary terms, and so there will be a strong pull to feel your safety as the darkness feels scary.

If the child knows you're not there, they have to last the night without this vital comfort. There's no need to wake up to feel someone close by who doesn't provide the same feeling of safety that you would (because they are not the main attachment figure). The child basically gets by on a reduced level of comfort than they actually need. Totally fine for a night here and there, of course. But the longer their rubber band is stretched like this, the more do they need you again afterwards.

So, please don't see yourself as a 'failure' or anything like that. Rather, your child is different with you because you give them something no-one else can. I'd treasure this and not harm this unique bond by inappropriately aspiring to have the child behave as (comparatively) 'distantly' with you as they do with other family members, or by taking away their source of comfort (i.e. night feeds).