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Original poster

husband troubles

10 replies

katey2020 · 10/08/2020 06:46

Hi is anyone else having the same,
Me and my partner have been together over 9 years with 2 beautiful kids ino there take alot of our time up but it feels like I'm doing it all alone he's ill and he doesn't want to get out of bed in the Moring and wen he does it xbox from 10am-11pm at night no time for the kids or me feels like our relationship is about over since we had our daughter she's 1 year&3 months he's been drinking now as well a bit much than i say but to him its normal for a man. I do everything for them kids tea,bath,school runs,keep them busy,take them out on familY days ino he's not good nd fit enough to do much but i feel so alone .
Any help please i don't have any friends to turn to for help.

OP posts:
Original poster
katey2020 · 10/08/2020 07:04

To me that's no were to live,same day every day I want to work but how can I trust him with kids if he wont help out durn the day he always used to help out alot he's a brilliant dad and still could be how do I snap him out of the game and realise he's got a family and that should come first. I go bed crying every single night not knowing what tommorow brings we don't talk anymore than we should do my love is still there only tike I get a cuddle or kiss is wen I'm in bed but I'm half a sleep

OP posts:
chickensoup23 · 10/08/2020 07:05

This is certainly not normal, you need to get out OP

Original poster
katey2020 · 10/08/2020 07:09

Chicken soap were do I start, he's ill I cant just leave him he's got no one, he drinks to get rid of pain he's been to doctor told him to take him medication but it wont work with alcohol but he wont listen

OP posts:
Coffeecak3 · 10/08/2020 07:16

Your dp is an adult, lots of people live with chronic pain. He needs to return to his gp and sort out his pain relief.
You can just leave him.
How does 13 hours a day on xbox contribute to family life? If he can sit doing that he can hold the baby or play with the older child.

ClaryFairchild · 10/08/2020 07:27

Why can't you leave him? What is HE doing to get better? What is HE doing for your family? If he was doing his absolute best then yes, I can see why you feel you would owe him something. But he's doing absolutely nothing, and so absolutely nothing is what you owe him.

chickensoup23 · 10/08/2020 07:28

You'll look back on this when your 50 and DC are grownup and regret not taking action. You can leave him, he's an adult and needs to take responsibility for his behaviour - that sits with him not you

Original poster
katey2020 · 10/08/2020 07:37

Okay Thankyou guys

OP posts:
GingerBeverage · 10/08/2020 08:24

Hi OP - I think this would get more attention in the Relationships section, perhaps you can ask the MODS to move?

crazychemist · 10/08/2020 09:25

Sorry to hear your having a bad time OP. Agree with PP that you should ask to get this thread moved to somewhere where you might get answers from more experienced posters (I don’t have any direct experience of this, but didn’t want to read and run).

You need to have a proper talk with him. If he won’t even do that, you know that he’s no good for you and you have to leave. You need to be really calm, but really firm e.g. “we need to talk about how our family works. This is very important to me and I need to have your whole attention”. If he brushes you off “you’ve just shown me that my needs don’t matter to you. If you can’t prioritise your family when they need you, I will leave you” (you need to be calm). If he still doesn’t engage, you leave. If he won’t even have a conversation with you, he will NEVER EVER change and you would be setting a terrible example to your children by staying.

If he will talk to you, you need to be really explicit about what has to chance, and be clear about what is negotiable and what isn’t. This only works if you are actually prepared to leave. If it was me, my non-negotiables would be:

  • no more than x amount of alcohol unless it’s for a specific social event (I have no idea what you consider acceptable, or what his tolerance is. My DH hasn’t really drunk at home since we had DD)
  • seeing the doctor again about his condition
  • commitments towards children: a certain amount of “you” time committed to each week (e.g. one activity he takes both children to. I know this is difficult at the moment, but playgrounds are open, and also some one-to-one time with each child e.g. one activity he takes the older one to, one he takes the younger one to). He needs to build a relationship with his children, and this takes time. My DH found it hard to spend time with our DD at home as during mat leave he wasn’t around much. By taking her out without me, they gradually built a good relationship and she loves her little trips with him. If he can’t do this sort of thing, then it would have to be you going out and leaving him with the kids, but in all honesty he doesn’t sound like someone I’d trust to do “quality” time and you might just come home to miserable kids and a big mess.

At the moment, he sounds like he adds NOTHING to your life. Is he anything other than a drain? If he’s not trying to make this change, you owe it to your children to leave him. Otherwise he is setting them a terrible example to them, and so are you by staying with him.

ChampagneCommunist · 10/08/2020 09:45

What's the illness?

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