Kids sleep habits make me feel like a failure

[InTheFamilyTree]

Not meant to be so self-pitying as the title suggests but there it is.

A recent thread about whether parents have had to stay beside their kids for them to fall asleep has made me wonder where I'm going wrong. Apart from a halcyon period of about 6 months, my eldest now 3 just cannot fall asleep by herself.

Until recently we had a whole rigmarole of lying next to her, stroking her and even singing to get her off. Using reward chart we got rid of silly behaviour, making noises etc at bedtime but limited success at getting her to sleep more independently.

Always had a good bedtime routine and even when she's had a lot of connection and attention in the day she still can't sleep by herself.

Am concerned that it's affecting how we handle the 1 year olds sleep too. We pat her gently when she's lying in the cot but don't want to end up having to do major sleep intervention as she gets older too. They room share otherwise would try some sleep training.

Anyone been in a similar situation and can advise if/when/how things improved?

WRT your 1yo, as a start point, only do the patting while baby is upset. If baby is quietly just lying in the cot and not crying, still your hand. Keep your hand on baby's chest/back, but dont pat. After a few mins if baby still isnt distressed, remove your hand but stay standing by the cot.

With all of this, go back a step as soon as baby is distressed, but withdraw again once calm. So pat until not crying, still hand on chest. If crying restart patting, still once calm, pat if crying, still once calm (and so on...). Then once staying calm with just your hand on chest, hand off chest once calm, hand back if upset (and if that's not enough, restart patting), then once calm still hand on chest then remove hand and stay standing. Keep going up and down steps as needed.

The idea is to always give baby enough comfort to feel calm, but then withdraw a little bit once calm but never withdraw too much or too quickly. Be willing to go up and down the "ladder" of comfort you give as she is calm/distressed.

If you put 3yo and 1yo to bed at same time, you can do bedroom withdrawal for both at same time. It's a progression of the same principle as above, with a gradual progression up the steps (below, as an example) and being willing to go up/down steps as needed, but always withdrawing up a step as soon as baby is calm.

• Patting constantly until asleep
• Patting until calm, then still hand on chest
• hand on chest until calm, then standing by cot, leaning over cot
• Hand on chest until calm, stood up next to cot. facing cot, when calm
• Hand on chest to calm, stood up half facing away from cot
• Hand on chest to calm, stood by cot but facing door when calm
• Hand on chest to calm, then a step away from cot facing door. Wait until asleep before leaving (forgot to mention this - always wait in this position until fully asleep, then sneek away once asleep. Dont leave before DC is asleep)
• Wait by doorway until asleep
• wait in doorway until asleep
• wait just outside doorway (door open) until asleep
• wait in open doorway until calm, then pop away for a minute or so at a time. Always go back and stay at doorway for a few mins between pops away from door. Be willing to go back in (hand on chest) if distressed, but ensure you withdraw back when calm.
• Wait at doorway until calm, then potter around upstairs with door open, making sure they know you're nearby (they can hear you or see you at door every now and again)
• Say nan night, leave door open, promise to stay upstairs until asleep.

And then (finally), say nan night and leave!

We did this with my daughter and had to lie next to her. When she started school at only just four she decided she was a big girl and one day just went to bed by herself. She grew out of it herself.
My other kids were all ok it was just her who would not go to sleep by herself and I was too tired to argue x

Thanks for the posts guys.

I'm going to try gradual retreat, but the baby will just stand up if I stop patting her, and guess I just need to keep laying her back down and go from there. It needs a lot of patience though!

now 3yo DS has wanted/ needed me beside him for a long time but we've gone to alternate nights me or DH which has helped then he tells daddy to leave and 2/3 of time we have a cuddle then blow kisses and i go out while his Moshi music is on

My 4 year old still insists on sleeping with me so I'm not sure I'm qualified to give advice on this subject! He says he's not going to sleep in his own bed until he's a grown up

My 3 year old happily skips off to bed with a kiss and a story though. She has always loved her own space.