Baby waking all night and I no longer see the point

[LetTheBirdsSing]

Baby is just shy of five months old and had slept well from birth, up to about a month ago he would do 5 or 6 hour stretches at the beginning of the night and settled well after a feed.

But now he’s waking every 1-2 hours most nights. Last night he did a 6 hour stretch and I thought we might be coming out of this hell but no, I’ve been up all night again.

This is my second baby. My first baby slept terribly and was not a very settled baby (he is now 2). I ‘lost’ the first year of my eldest’s life to postnatal depression; I cried pretty much every day for the first year of his life.

I am slipping down that path again and I feel a lot of it is due to sleep deprivation, as well as the social isolation of lockdown. I am so tired and I can’t think straight. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I find myself not really wanting to be alive anymore as I feel alone and joyless. I am feeling really cross with my baby waking up all night. I don’t know why he slept for six hours straight last night and then not even two hours in a row tonight. I am so, so sad that I am falling down the postnatal depression rabbit hole again. I had all of these plans in place for coping well second time round and the Covid situation has just wrecked them all- childcare for my eldest a couple of days a week, which would allow me to do some exercises each week and attend some baby groups with the baby. That would be good bonding time with the baby but also get me out and about with other mums.
My husband works from 6am Monday to Friday so there is no rest. I’m just alone and exhausted. I don’t know how to find joy in life when I am so exhausted. I don’t know how to cope with this.

[Roselilly36]

Handhold OP, I know how tough lack of sleep is, everything is so much harder. My DS2 was a terrible sleeper and a very unsettled baby, he started improving about 7-8 months. It won’t be forever OP, it will get easier I remember those days well. You are doing a great job, accept any offers of help, you need time for you too.

[Solasum]

I really think you should ask your husband to step up just for a couple of days to do everything but the feeding. If you really can’t do that, how about getting a night nanny? After a week of better sleep you will already feel much better. A worthwhile expense?

[BalloonSlayer]

Are you only breastfeeding, OP?

I mean, when my oldest two DC were little you introduced solids at 4 months.

By the time I had DC3, it had changed to 6 months. I remember saying to the HV, "I don't think he's going to go to 6 months before I introduce solids," and she said, "most of them don't, dear."

So I was wondering if maybe your DS is just hungry because milk is no longer enough?

(FWIW I did Gina Ford with my eldest as I was desperate and it was brilliant, but you are not allowed that opinion on here.)

[MostlyAmbridgeandcoffee]

Hello, totally sending solidarity on the lack of sleep - it’s absolutely crippling. My now toddler had the worst sleep regression at 4 months and woke every 45 mins to an hour for almost 9 weeks. At the time you can’t see any end to it and it’s awful. But it will end and get better - promise.

Can you afford to get a bit of extra help with a night nanny once or twice a week or someone to come in the day to take the children / baby for an extra few hours so you can sleep? Otherwise any family you can call on ?
You should also take your mental health seriously and consider going to the Gp again to get some proper help - including - if need be medication - treat your mental ill health just like any illness - if your child was ill you’d to go the doctor and do what they told you... do the same for yourself . Good luck

[stealthbanana]

Oh OP. Sleep deprivation really IS torture. Big hug.

Some ideas for you (and full disclosure, I was a bfing mum who didn’t feel comfortable w sleep training so that was off the table for me):

• your DH May have an extremely senior job but I am guessing he is not an indentured slave, and can take a week off? He needs to do this. You can then do two things
  

1 try a couple of nights of your DH trying to settle the baby at night after you feed them. This may not work but it will tell you if you have a boob monster baby or if actually he’s full and just needs to be away from your milk. You can also have some blocks of time to either sleep or (if you are like me and can’t sleep in the day no matter how exhausted and strung out you are) to just go to the park and lie on a blanket BY YOURSELF and rest

• you say you’re not going to baby groups, but do you have friends with kids? Can you put a regular meet up in the park or playground and do that? Or go on mush / via your local church or community centre and meet some mums with babies the same age?
  

• similarly, you ARE allowed childcare now. Get some! A good nanny (or night nanny) you click with will make a massive difference and help you take a load off.
  

• walk every day no matter how despondent you feel. It does help.
  

• a good multivitamin and fish oil is essential. I found w breastfeeding that whenever the supply moved into a new phase my hormones would jangle so I had a primrose
  

oil supplement which really helped too.

• I would be wary with solids too early. Milk is far more calorific than early solids and so there’s usually a calorie deficit in the early days which in my experience makes sleep problems worse.
  

• have you tried giving calpol? My first was an early teethed (first tooth at 17w) and was a nightmare sleep wise at that age. When we have calpol it became obvious that he was teething badly and he slept better, and sure enough more teeth popped through at the 6m mark.
  

Obv, all of the above is in addition to seeing the doctor and all the v good pnd advice.

Lastltly, don’t feel you’re not cut out for motherhood. 0-1 is such a tough time but it is a fraction of a child’s life. The good news is that they need milk, nappy changing and cuddles and that’s it. You’re doing brilliantly.

[LetTheBirdsSing]

@BalloonSlayer yes, I’m just breastfeeding. I have the occasional night where baby does a much longer stretch (and won’t have fed loads extra during the day) so I don’t think the wake ups are all driven by hunger. I will be starting weaning in about a month though so I’ll see if it makes any difference.

A couple of people have mentioned night nannies. I had a bad experience of trying to use a night nanny with my eldest which means it’s just not The right thing for me unfortunately.

I’ve started taking some breastfeeding multivitamins. I figure every little helps. Have tried calling a PND charity several times but can’t get through.

GP is going to offer me pills or counselling aren’t they. That was what was on offer last time. I don’t want pills, I just want to sleep and feel human again. A pill isn’t going to get me rest. And how can I talk to anyone whilst looking after the children. It feels impossible. I go to bed with the baby at 7pm so evenings aren’t even possible.
Childcare for the eldest, possible, but the little one feels too young to leave with anyone.

I gave up counting wake ups after the seventh tonight. Sat up in bed feeding the baby again and crying because I’m now wide awake. My jaw hurts from clenching it and soon enough I will be up with the toddler. Today I will be snappy and tearful, I know, but the days I can get through. The lonely nights where the baby wakes for eight million times and I don’t know what’s wrong...that’s the unbearable bit. And after a long exhausting day, desperate for some rest but then dreading going to bed because you know it’s going to be hideous torture of being woken just as you’ve got into a deep sleep...

Keep forgetting to bring teething granules up to my bedroom so I need to try those. Will try to remember tomorrow.

Sorry for the incoherent rambling. Thank you for all of the kind words and suggestions. Will re read when my brain is more functional.

So sorry for all of those going through the same

[Alisworldsafunone]

Hi OP. I had to comment because I can so relate to the way you feel. I had very serious PND with my little girl for the first year too. I was not getting any rest, she was an awful sleeper, wouldn’t nap independently either. Most nights we were both in my bed together at 6pm for the first 9months to try and get her to sleep (we co slept as she would not sleep alone). Then she would still wake continuously through the night and still does some evenings but it’s far better. That feeling is just so relentless and I totally understand how shitty you must be feeling.
But you are proof that it gets better, as it did the first time round this stage does always come to an end. What helped me the most was reminding myself over and over again that everything is temporary and this present struggle you’re going through will be a memory at some point. I know that’s so hard but you must keep the hope and remember you can do this.
If you are struggling mentally - it’s absolutely worth speaking to your GP. I look back and wish I’d have taken AD’s - the hell I went through mentally could well have been managed far better if I had just given up my reluctance to take them.

[mummyslittlenightmare]

I have no advice for you unfortunately apart from I KNOW EXACTLY how you are feeling.
My darling DD has just turned 8 months and has me up every 2 hours through the nap, 30 minute naps through the day, doesn't sleep in her cot, or go in the car seat/pushchair.

It's probably the most challenging time of my whole life and I have very down days, but I have survived thus far, and those 'cute' moments I do get makes it all worth while.

But honestly, go to your GP. Nip it in the bud, the consequences are not worth leaving it for you, or your baby.

X

[mummyslittlenightmare]

*night

Sorry, I've been up since 5am 🙄

[flapjackfairy]

Oh I hear you. I have 2 children with complex needs and we have been shielding for 18 weeks now . Both need round the clock care and youngest has severe epilepsy. Disrupted nights are common anyway and I have been up since 3.30 today with no chance of a break until bed tonight now. Being stuck in is making things so much harder. There is no change of scene to refresh the mind and the days and nights run into one another with no end in sight .
BUT it will not be like this forever. Time flies and soon we will all be looking back on this v bizarre point in history and shaking our heads in wonder at how long ago it was.
Try to make Time to relax a little if you can with a book, bath whatever. I try to get on here and escape for a few mins when I can. You will get through this and life will be good again so just get through today and don't think any further than that. Sending a hug of support x

[PurpleThistles84]

Are you swaddling at all OP? White noise? Dark room? If not, I’d try all three. My DC5 is 13 months now and he was swaddled until 7 months old. I used an old phone with a white noise app and had it on at all naps and overnight. Dark room to help promote melatonin for a better sleep.

Can you express a bottle so your DH can at least give one feed and you can get more of a chunk of sleep? Try the mam bottle if baby isn’t too keen.

Secondly, you weren’t a terrible mother to your dc1 and you are not a terrible mother to your dc2. You had PND, it’s real, it’s a thing and NOT your fault or your babies. It’s not your fault your baby isn’t sleeping. They aren’t robots and neither are you.

How are you settling baby when he does wake? Are you feeding him to sleep? If so, when you put him down, rouse him just a little bit in his cot, so he can settle himself off. Do that every time at naps and overnight. It will help him get used to settling himself and not needing you to do it for him.

Download the wonderweeks app. It shows you when baby is in a developmental leap. It doesn’t change anything but it does help you stop blaming yourself and feeling guilty when you realise it’s a developmental leap and have a rough idea how long it’s going to last!

[Bitchinkitchen]

Your husband needs to take some time off work and help you out. These are his children too.

Toddler to grandma (or anyone) for a few days, husband with baby and lots of expressed milk, you in a hotel getting a solid 12 houts of sleep.

[bluebaskets]

I had/have a terrible sleeper. My high powered high earning stressed out DH did nothing at night because he was useless and miserable when he was tired. That will be unacceptable when we have DC2. Sleep deprivation has broken me.

Your DH needs to take an active part in this. He can do a late shift with the baby every day 8-12/he can do an early shift from 5-leaving for work/he can take both kids from 5-9 both days on the weekend. There are options.

[bunny85]

No advice unfortunately but just to say that I could have written your post word for word. I have a 4 year old and a 6 months old baby. I'm breastfeeding and sleeping with the baby while my husband is with the other child. He works 6 days a week...

From day one the baby has been a terrible sleeper. First he had colic and screamed all night for the first 2-3 months. Then he started sleeping and has been waking up every hour, sometimes as often as every 30-40 mins. Last month of my pregnancy was very hard and I also couldn't sleep so I haven't had a 3 hour stretch in 7 months. Even 2h is rare. I'm up all night with him, every night. I'm also losing a will to live.

Luckily he's just turning 6 months this Sunday so things can be done. I'm looking to start some sleep training as well. Hang in there. I used to count down days to 6 months. Honestly one day we will sleep the whole night long, big hugs to you x

[Perinatalnursemum]

Hey,

Please don't keep going with these feelings on your own. Ask your GP or HV to refer you to your local perinatal mental health team, most areas have these services now as post natal depression and anxiety is so common and perinatal services can provide support to women or after speaking with you can support/advice other services such as your GP or HV in what would be the best route for you. Even if you don't think you have a HV because they never seem to stay in contact, once they know they have a mother that's feeling a bit unwell they should step up and get you allocated to someone.

It's important to talk to someone. You are not alone.

[LetTheBirdsSing]

@bunny85 Colic to have dealt with as well? You poor thing, that sounds unbearable. Do you know what sleep training method you will go for?

@bluebaskets sorry to hear that you’ve been so sleep deprived too. DH does offer to take the baby on weekend mornings but I can never sleep at that point and I just lie in bed feeling depressed and lonely. I barely see my DH during the week so I really want to spend As much time with him on the weekend as I can. I’m alone so much of the time since lockdown so I’m desperate for adult company by the weekend! I’m not at the point of wanting to ask him to do part of the weekday night. It’s an option if I feel really desperate though.

@Bitchinkitchen he’s just had some time off maybe that’s why I’m struggling so much now, because I’m back on my own again.

[BalloonSlayer]

@LetTheBirdsSing would you be really opposed to giving baby a little bit of baby rice mixed with breast milk in the evening in case he is hungry?

The six month thing is quite new, weaning at four months was the norm for years and years.

I can understand if you want to stick to the advice; I have a DC with a severe milk allergy and therefore hate it when people suggest stopping breastfeeding, so I would understand it if you had the same reaction to what I am saying. But my point is that advice can and does change like the wind. I am not advocating stuffing him with jars of gunge, just baby rice which is as bland as bland can be.

(A poster on a thread the other day said that she thought the "four month sleep regression" thing was nonsense and that babies were just plain hungry.)

[TooMinty]

Oh OP my eldest was like this and 7 years on I still feel a bit tearful remembering it! What helped was sleep training I'm afraid. Then night weaning at 7 months and from then on he slept through for 12 hours. Which seemed impossible to imagine at 5 months when sometimes he woke every 40 minutes 😭
I carried on breastfeeding until 13 months.

[bunny85]

Yes OP it's totally soul destroying. As for the sleep training I'm considering something relatively mild that obviously involves some crying but not alone in the bedroom, parents are next to the baby and can comfort him. Just to get rid of the sleep association. I also don't mind to continue breastfeeding.

[Keha]

OP, sorry to hear you are going through this. I know cosleeping has been mentioned and you said found it uncomfortable. Would you lie down to bf during the night? I didn't plan on cosleeping, but I found lying down more restful than being sat up. I made sure the bed was safe in case I fell asleep. Sometimes I did fall asleep and over time got used to sleeping like that. I think I'm just saying it doesn't have to be all or nothing, you could try and have a stretch asleep on your own and then lie down and doze a bit during the frequent wakes. Hope you find something that works. I get really stressed about my baby's sleep, it feels such a minefield. I keep saying to myself to just try and cope with the next day or two.

[LetTheBirdsSing]

Baby awake every two hours last night all night again. My brain feels like cotton wool.

@keha I really can’t co sleep. Did it in desperation from 4am last night and woke up with a really sore back from sleeping in one position. I’m always worried I will pull the duvet up over the baby’s head in my sleep etc and feel resentful that what little sleep I am getting is with my sleep space being ‘invaded’.its just not for me I’m afraid. Your suggestion to just take one or two days at a time is very sensible. I am feeling very worried about how I’m going to cope in the coming weeks. I just have thoughts of either getting more and more exhausted and feeling hopeless in myself, or doing sleep training which I just can’t get my head around. I’m far too tired, it’ll wake my toddler up all night. Just don’t know what to do

[LetTheBirdsSing]

Ps since starting this thread I’ve been putting the baby down for naps in the cot, so not feeding to sleep. Which I thought was supposed to be the Holy Grail. But he’s still clearly not linking sleep cycles most nights (sometimes is though and occasionally I get a four hour stretch). I do a feed last thing before putting to bed- he’s still awake when I Put him down as I’m clumsy and not good at doing a seamless transfer to the cot but then conks our almost immediately so he’s nearly asleep when I put him down.

What are all of your expect thoughts? Might he just start to link sleep cycles of his own accord with a bit more time? Or do I need to do some Changes with bedtime routine and how I’m dealing with wake ups?

Currently feeding after each wake up because I am SO Tired. Last night I tried a half hearted attempt at stroking his chest after one wake up (sometimes he wakes within an hour of bedtime and that sometimes helps him go back off) but he wasn’t having it and 1 I am SO tired and 2 I am always worried about waking my toddler and DH

[LetTheBirdsSing]

Sorry, rambling stream of consciousness. A few of you have suggested DH taking some time off to help settle the baby. He’s had some time off recently so can’t take more time off right now but if, at 6 months, I end up going down some sort of sleep training route then I will ask him to take a few days off so he can look after the children during the day as I imagine I’ll be up most of the night for a while if it’s anything like my experience with my eldest.

[Indecisivelurcher]

Sorry to hear things haven't improved for you. To be honest you've said you'd use a sleep consultant and you've said you'd sleep train, if things haven't improved by 6m. I don't really see the point of waiting myself.

Personally and just based on my bitter experience, I don't see what reason there could be for things magically sorting themselves by 6m. And things are not working for you, now! If you start a plan now you might be able to do things more gradually and avoid a short sharp crack at 6m where you resort to cio - which is exactly what I did with my eldest.

Re the whole drowsy but awake thing, my second self-settled to sleep from 4m old, for his naps and bedtime, drowsy but awake the full holy grail. I was determined to 'do it right' and avoid sleep training this time. But, he still didn't sleep through until I sleep trained with support from a sleep consultant at 12m old. He used to be up for a party 1-3am every night, not unhappy just ready to go. She had me put him to bed much earlier, like 5:30pm, for a month, to catch up a sleep debt. And do times check-ins ferber style during the night.

[LetTheBirdsSing]

That’s interesting to hear your experience @Indecisivelurcher, thank you. 6 months....hoping I might see some improvement by then. Most reputable sleep consultants seem to say not to do any sleep training before six months; I don’t know why six months is deemed the magic number.

I will move the baby into his own at six months as well (he’s currently in the spare room with me, sleeping in a beside crib which he’s rapidly growing out or). I will likely sleep in his room for a while as the cot is already set up in there, I don’t want to have to faff around putting it in the spare room.