Last straw for toddler sleep he just bit me

[User24689]

Just end the end of my rope now. 2.5 year old has never slept. It gets better for short periods and I consider him finally sleeping through then slips back again. We've had periods of cosleeping in our bed, periods of me falling asleep in my bed.... Aside from the bedtime routine which hasn't changed since he was a baby, consistency hasn't been great because I am so fucking tired I do whatever works at the current time, until I'm more rested, then get really firm and get him out of habits, then he slips into a different habit and before I know it I've made a different rod for my own back. Never done any sleep training as felt it would be so distressing for him as he is so, so attached to me.

I'm absolutely fed up with it. For the past few weeks he has slept through with maybe one wake up but then woken at 5. I then get into his bed and he does another hour cuddled into my neck. During that time I have to sleep with him constantly pulling my hair. He has done this his whole life and I have been really firm about stopping it but I am so tired and so used to it I can actually sleep while he does it so during my most tired times I drift in and out of sleep while having my hair pulled.

This morning, at 5.30, I was deep asleep and woke up because he bit me, hard, on the nose. I know this sounds ridiculous but it was honestly terrifying and made me cry. I didn't know what was happening. It was only momentary and then he was grinning at me and I was so shocked I asked him if he just bit me and he said yes. I told him how upset I was and how much he hurt me and that he must never, ever do that again. Then I left the room and he started screaming.

I feel utterly shit this morning. I feel like I have poured everything into getting this boy to sleep for the past two years while DH is totally unaffected (he won't accept DH in the night) only to be treated like that. I know he's only two. Am I overreacting? Where would you go from here?

How do I get him to fucking sleep on his own.

OK to whoever said I contradicted myself in my comment. When I said I didn't sleep train I was meaning controlled crying/cry it out. Yes I did gradual retreat and it worked, there was no crying at all involved. So apologies for my mistake.

We went through very similar, including the hair pulling (which he still does for comfort when awake) and the huge number of returns doing gradual return like a previous poster.

We got a sleep consultant when he was 2.5 and ended up doing CC (where you go back in at pre-determined intervals). Agree that a sleep consultant will not tell you anything new but they will tell you you're doing the right thing and keep you on track. Also agree that it will be a rough ride at his age and you will need a baby gate on his room.

Good luck! I think that the worst part of sleep deprivation is the mental torture of constantly second guessing yourself, and a sleep consultant gives you a plan so you don't have to make those decisions yourself

How does CC work if they're old enough to open the door and smart enough to have worked out that if they hurt themselves you'll come in? I've always wondered.

It's not that I don't agree with boundaries I really do. I just don't seem to be able to implement them. Maybe because I am tired. dH says I am not consistent enough and I back down and I know he is right. They wear me down. They bend me and find ways around me. Already. I am constantly disciplining but nothing sticks.

I get up at 6 and do potty, breakfast, dressed, teeth, shoes like every step and every single step of the process I have to ask about 5 times with increasing frustration so by the time I leave the house I'm exhausted. I end up making more than one breakfast because they change their minds. It's awful to even read it. I don't know how I came to be this kind of mother. I feel useless. I have a friend with 4 kids who finds it easier than me.

You're so right on the sleep. DH has taken over this morning and we are going to have a crisis talk over the sleep later. I'm just going to defer to him at this point.

With my ds, I basically said to him at bedtime if he was messing around I’d leave the room. If he lay quietly I’d stay. I’d also gradually leave the room by popping out for various things and being back within exactly a minute or so.

Mine were better for DH but that didn’t meN he was doing better, they just didn’t want to tell him they were scared/upset etc.

Basically the key is consistency. Try a new routine and stick at it. There will be blips but he needs to get used to it. He’ll even kick off but again has to get used to it.

The biting is a separate issue - you need to clamp (sorry!!) down on it.

With the biting this morning.... I feel like DS has got to the point where he doesn't really see me as a separate person with feelings. I'm just an extension of him or there for him to play with, do with how he wants. I'm like a comfort blanket without feelings. He doesn't respect me as a person. Does that make sense.

You need to get proper cross with him on the biting. Like not just telling him not to do it again but proper cross.

Same with the sleep. No. Firm. Hard. Back to bed. And stick it out.

I know it’s horrible - DD1 never slept through until she was about 4 and I was honestly on my knees but I was so tired I just went with the route of least resistance. With hindsight which is always 20/20 I’d have stuck it out and sorted it earlier.

She’s 21 now and still doesn’t sleep late but she’s big enough now it’s her problem 😁

My two boys used to get up at 5am, or earlier.

DS2 now sleeps until 6.30ish, in my bed. He's 4. He starts in his own bed.

DS1 is up at 6am every single morning, no matter when bedtime is. He's 7. He also has high functioning autism, and has never needed much sleep.

I don't think you're doing anything wrong, OP.

The inconsistency won't help with their behaviour. I know you're tired but your 2yo doesn't see you as another person because you aren't acting like one. I'd go mad at the biting. He needs to know that's not acceptable.

Janet Lansbury has a good podcast called Unruffled and has written some books too. I don’t know if she has much about sleep but I thought of her when reading your posts about not being consistent enough. She is very good at respectful parenting that takes into account the development of the child but also clearly advocates strong boundaries for the parent. There are lots of different episodes on different scenarios. I’ve found it helpful when I’ve felt like I’ve lost my way as a parent

I’m with the others though I think your DH needs to take over at night, can you go with your 4YO away for a few nights or something to help the process. As others say there are different types of sleep training, it doesn’t need to be locking him in a room while he screams but it does sound like it would be better for you to be removed from the situation

@kittykat I didn't mean that comment to sound like I was getting at you, I was meaning to explain to the OP that the term sleep training covers a whole host of different options. Apologies!

I'm just going to defer to him at this point.

I don't think this is the answer OP. He needs to support you if you do the bulk of childcare not you defer to him. He should be asking how can I support you so we can fix OUR son's bad habits.

You just sound so low confidence in yourself... Stop comparing to others. If you made a list of all the ways you're a wonderful mum I bet it would be a pretty epic list. Cut yourself some slack! But definitely stop with the multiple breakfasts! You are the patent. You are in charge. You can fix this.

The thing that helped me with getting my very stubborn 2 year old to sleep through and stop having milk at night (!) was realising that sleep training didn't mean "abandoning her to cry". The sleep trainer we had said "don't think of it as leaving her and coming back when she is upset, think of it as staying with her while she is upset but getting her to understand she must be in her bed for longer intervals." It made me realise that she was no longer a newborn, all her brain chemistry would not get terribly mutilated... she was a toddler having a toddler tantrum about something she wanted to happen.

I was totally fine riding out a tantrum in the daytime. Want trifle for breakfast? Nope. Want to take your arms out of the straps on the motorway? Uh-uh. I didn't torture myself thinking that me holding firm on those things would stunt her development and break our attachment. It was easy to be present in the day and firmly but calmly hold the line. That realisation freed me to apply the same thinking to the night too - lie down, patting, sympathetic presence but being clear I was going out for a few minutes. Sleep trainer was great but the difference was in me. No longer an agonising torment for both of us, just me lovingly and firmly dealing with a tantrum.

DD slept a lot better and was generally calmer afterwards. I think as toddlers it scares them when they have too much power to hurt you and bring you to breakdown, actually.

Watch a programme called the 3 day nanny - her sleep training techniques are incredible. You are going to have to get very tough very quickly on this behaviour. Do not tolerate your child hurting you - pulling hair and biting is unacceptable and at 2 and a half he knows the basics of right and wrong.

It's not about deferring to him. You need to have the same strategies that your children respond to. You both need to agree them and present a united front.

You sound like a good mum worn down by the relentlessness. Get a strategy and stick to it for 2 weeks no matter what.

He knows he can literally do whatever he wants to you.Hes pulling your hair with no consequences so of course he's biting you.

Don't be too hard on yourself. I think it's very hard to maintain good discipline and boundaries when you are on your knees with tiredness. As you get more sleep, you'll find it easier to maintain consistent limits.

I think sitting down with your dh to come up with a plan is a good idea. You will have to work out how to stay firm and consistent and not back down. Headphones? Leave the house? It will almost certainly get worse before it gets better as your ds will work hard to maintain the status quo. You need to be prepared for this.

I did go mad at the biting. It absolutely cracked me, I shouted at him and left his bedroom and he screamed. He was sitting by the front door crying sorry over and over again. What more am I supposed to do? Smack him? Genuine question. What am I supposed to do?

I have left him with DH. I have left a few times when it has got bad and I needed unbroken sleep. He sleeps when I'm not there

I just can't stop crying this morning. Have just reached my absolute limit and think I've realised I'm a SAHM that is failing at the only thing I do.

Steel yourself for several absolutely horrendous nights. Sleep train him (I’d personally do it with DH, so that he knows both parents are on the same page- my concern with your DH doing it is that DC might try to revert to type when you returned, dragging the process out).

He’s 2 years old. You did absolutely the right thing walking away when he bit you! I’d be doing the same every time my hair was pulled, too.

You know he can do this when you’re not there- it’s not cruel, he’s capable of it. I think that part of parenting is nudging our children into good habits- having good sleep habits is so important throughout life. Help him to develop this important skill.

@upthewolves no, don’t smack him. I’d personally have left him for a couple of minutes to give yourself time to calm down. Then explain what he’d done wrong, how it made you feel, and that he must never do it again. Then move on with the day.

You are not failing OP

Sleep deprivation is hell.

Two year olds can be hell

You've been doing it alone for so long the dam has now burst.

I've been in your shoes with this kind of thing and it becomes about survival and so you do what you can to sleep and that means inconsistencies.

The challenge now is to break the pattern with something totally different.

I used a sleep consultant and whilst she didn't tell me anything I didn't know she held the boundaries of what we were doing and kept me on track.

You are NOT failing. It will be ok and you will be ok.

You’re also not failing, OP. You’re shattered and taking the path of least resistance- I’ve done the same. Unfortunately, you do need to chuck a bit of energy at this now though.

I gave up on sleep training. He would just scream his head off and started deliberately hurting himself. Headbutting the floor etc. I just cosleep now. He wakes a couple of times In the night now but I just stick a boob in his gob and go back to sleep. I’m used to it but on bad nights his constant nipple twiddling gives me the rage. He’s 21 months. One day I’m sure he’ll sleep through.......

You are not a bad mum and to say you have no backbone is harsh. Your little one is still a baby and you've been prioritizing his needs. He is still learning that you are a person with your own individual feelings, so biting your nose was just devilment, and your reaction would have taught him that it hurt you. Have you got a bedtime routine? Something nice and relaxing. I used to spend a set amount of time with mine cuddling, talking, reading and singing, then a kiss goodnight. I didn't like controlled crying, so if they cried for me I would go to them, tuck them back in and not speak, just sit in the corner of their room with a book. Bedtime started nice and early, at about 7.00, so that we didn't get to the stage of being over tired before bed, and I could be downstairs to relax for 8.

OP if you can afford £200ish check out these wonderful ladies. They are so nice but firm.
instagram.com/infantsleepconsultants?igshid=18x4m3tevwu5w

You need help. We all need help sometimes, it doesn't make us worse mums!!