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14 month screaming at bedtime

6 replies

burritofan · 29/06/2020 12:57

DD is 14 months, was a terrible sleeper, got down to one wake-up at 11 months then knocked off course by canines and jabs; back to anywhere between one and three wake ups but generally sleeping longer stretches now and settling back down by herself or with less intervention.

She has a routine of teeth (lately just throws the toothbrush), bath, nappy in bathroom, then her bedroom for PJs, stories, sleeping bag, milk (breastfed – used to feed to sleep, now feed to drowsy and cuddle), cuddle to sleep; unless it's DP's turn in which case he doesn't do milk and walks around with her on his shoulder. He can get her to sleep in under 5 minutes, lately it takes me forever because she wants to play. Usually comes into our bed at some point – on a bad night by midnight, on a good night around 5am. She can often settle herself back down after wake ups, even if she stands up (we've got a video monitor and have watched her do it).

She's currently teething back molars (she's got 16 teeth already) and her back bottom gum looks like she's snuggling golf balls. Rejecting milk a lot in the day, won't eat apples or other favourites. Last night at bedtime she was fine – happy in the bath, when we got to her room she grabbed the cushion from her chair and lay down with it as a pillow playing her favourite game "I'm going to sleep", giggling all the while (it's funny because she's not going to!), cuddled up quietly while having stories, and was wrestled into her sleeping bag without protest.

But when I offered her her usual feed she latched on for half a second, bit me (gently; and she never bites), started to cry and pulled away. I tried to cuddle her as usual but she began writhing like a spawning salmon and getting more and more upset and screaming and pointing at her bookshelf and the door and just going demented. After a couple of minutes of this, DP took over and she calmed down and was asleep in minutes. He's had to take over bedtimes in this manner the past fortnight, sometimes because she just won't stop playing when I do bedtime, other times it's like last night and she's just beside herself and won't feed at all, even though she's a milk hound first thing in the morning.

She feeds fine in the night, though for the last month it hasn't got her back to sleep – so I've just put her in our bed where after some singing practice and rolling around, she falls asleep herself (usually feet on DP's face, head on top of mine, or something equally pleasant) – and has a feed, or 8 million feeds, first thing.

But at bedtimes she's inconsolable with not wanting it, inconsolable if I try to get her to sleep some other method. and fairly tearful at various points in the routine, even when it's something she loves, like her bath. Is this just the back molars? Anything we can do besides calpol and riding it out? Or is it nothing to do with teeth and just another bastard regression? She started nursery settle sessions last week too, if that's relevant.

(Nb not interested in the "she's got to fall asleep in the cot herself" brigade, we're happy helping her to get to sleep and bringing her into our bed.)

Sorry for long-windedness. Zzzzz. I can live with the wake-ups but I want our nice bedtimes back instead of wrestling a demon banshee.

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
theproblemwitheyes · 29/06/2020 13:19

It could well be teething.

But it could also be that as she gets bigger and more independent, she actually wants less intervention at bedtime. Could you try feeding her before the bath, and then just popping her into bed at the end of the routine with a kiss and a bit of a stroke or snuggle, and seeing if maybe she's just ready to start working it out by herself?

burritofan · 29/06/2020 13:29

theproblemwitheyes
Oh, that's interesting! We've tried that a little – she definitely loves her cot and enjoys being in it, asks to go in (well, points and grunts to go in), and at bedtime wants to play at trying to sleep – lies down, grabs her teddy as a pillow, etc – but she always springs up immediately and after a few goes, gives up, even if we do back rubs and soothing noises. She hasn't yet mastered the "eyes closed, don't stand up" part!

I do think my presence at bedtime is starting to be too stimulating and fun and she needs me to not be there, but she also freaks out if I leave. I guess we'll keep trying the "pretend to sleep" game and see if it takes and in the meantime, DP can do bedtimes and I can neck gin Grin

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nannyplumsmagranny · 29/06/2020 14:04

My dd screams the house down come bedtime, she's tired and doesn't want to go. I think she thinks she's missing out on something.

No advice but wanted to say you're not alone with the salmon antics.

BabySleepTeacherUK · 29/06/2020 20:46

It's really not unusual that after spending the baby months breastfeeding to sleep with Mum, that into the toddler years they settle much better for Dad than they do Mum.

Why can't DP take over bedtime more perminantly?

Personally speaking, I took sole charge of all bedtimes and night times for my four children until they were around 12-18 months old. But once sleeping independently, DH took over bedtime more permanently. Our children are older now and not babies, but bedtime is still "Dad's Time" with the kids - he reads the stories, does the kisses goodnight etc. I figure they get me all the rest of the time, both the children and their Dad like having that time together at bedtime.

burritofan · 30/06/2020 08:06

Why can't DP take over bedtime more perminantly?
Lots of reasons – neither of us are keen on that as a solution, most importantly. Not keen on anything that divides the parenting load into "only one parent does that task" – except breastfeeding Grin.

Like lots of parents, bedtime for us is one of those love it and loathe it tasks – I would hate to miss out on bath (the standy-up wees! The way she's just discovered farting underwater!) and stories permanently; I would equally hate to do it every night, as would DP, as it's a tough end-of-day job when you sometimes just want to decompress after work or skip ahead to the wine; plus whoever isn't doing bed does the cooking, which turns that from a pleasure into a grind if you're doing it every day, and leaves the other parent missing out on a chance to cook and decompress and doing all the washing up.

In any case, DD doesn't get me all the rest of the time – I work full time, as does DP. Bedtime is a nice way to reconnect and extends the time I spend with her after work.

But interesting to know toddlers settle better for dads! Obviously DD is a human, not a chore to split 50/50, so DP will have to do it solo for a while, as I did when she was smaller (except for the colic era, when only DP could do it), and eventually it will all come out in the wash.

nannyplum thank you for reassuring me! I hate how antsy she gets and it's nice to know I'm not alone!

Having said all this essay, last night DP couldn't settle her and I had to step in and conk her out with boob.

OP posts:
theproblemwitheyes · 01/07/2020 09:45

@burritofan your last comment really, really resonated with me, the brilliant/exhausting nature of bedtime. It put into words a feeling ive been having for a while, and reading it made me feel a lot better about the end of the day.

Like you, my DH and i do bath/book/bed together/separately/in turns and vary the routine depending on who's doing it - i completely agree that no one aspect of parenting should fall to one parent (alas, except breastfeeding) and also on the pleasure/chore thing about cooking! The thing i missed most when feeding my baby to sleep for an hour each night was cooking dinner!

Anyway, not much of a point to this comment, just to say you sound like you're rocking this parenting thing, and reading what you wrote made me feel seen, and understood. So thank you very much for that.

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