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HELP - Toddler refusing bedtime

7 replies

Brodyboy1 · 23/06/2020 20:29

So my 3yo has always been a great sleeper. However, for the last 3 months we have been having a nightmare with him when it comes to bedtime. It started off with him going to bed fine but getting up and coming out of his room every few mins thinking it was all fun and games. He has now started being a nightmare as soon as we try to get him ready for bed, running and hiding and sometimes have to hold him still to get him changed. He refuses to be carried to bed but also refuses to walk or will run straight past his room (with a big grin on his face). When we actually get him into his bed he will either mess around and refuse to let us tuck him in or he just cries and shouts. He will then continue to be in and out of his bedroom, sometimes for hours on end. We have tried being stern, being soft, being silent when taking him back, sitting outside his door, sitting with him in his room.

Any advice SOOOoO appreciated!

OP posts:
BabySleepTeacherUK · 24/06/2020 14:57

This is more of a behaviour issue than a sleep issue directly.

Like all toddler (and teenager!) behaviour issues, it needs you to be very clear in your expectations, very consistent in applying those expectations and make sure it is totally understood that your expectations are never negotiable.

It helps to take a similar approach with all aspects of the toddlers life, not just sleep. Firm boundaries are really important at this age and if you have a less firm approach generally, it's reasonable to assume toddler will think he can similarly expect that boundaries wont apply to bedtime.

Think up a mantra that sums up, in the simplest sentence, exactly what you expect. For example "At sleep time you lie down quietly in bed". That sums up the expectation that (a) sleep time is when you say and is not optional (b) toddler is expected to lie down in bed, so getting up or even sitting up are not acceptable, (c) toddler is expected to be quiet. So no chatting, talking, conversations or shouting.

Set expectations throughout the day by talking about what you will expect at bedtime.

Give a countdown to bedtime, from about an hour beforehand every 10 minutes and then every minute or two when there are 10 minutes to go. Set your expectations at every reminder. State what will happen - we will go to your room, get in nightwear, read story, you will lie in bed quietly and I will stay upstairs until you are asleep. Keep repeating these expectations every time. Get toddler to repeat back to you, or ask what comes next?

Then have no wriggle-room at bedtime. Be kind and compassionate in your tone (don't make threats) but be very firm and do not accept anything less than your expectations. Get toddler to tell you what's happening next (should remember from your repeated conversations throughout the day).

Once you're at the point where he is in bed, continue with silent returns. Just back to bed, say mantra "sleep time now, we lie quietly in bed at sleep time, nan night" and leave. No other engagement and dont lose your cool or get cross. Be willing to invest the time in dealing with this, so dont get annoyed if you're still at it an hour or more later. Just stay calm, return to bed, repeat mantra, don't get cross or engage in any negotiations.

Mamachar · 08/07/2020 19:52

@BabySleepTeacherUK I would just like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your advice on how to approach the bedtime situation. Having used your advice, after 4 months of pure hell at bedtime I no longer dread it every night. We are now on our second week. From day 1 of using your tips he was in bed and settled within 15mins. We are now nearing the end of week two and 3 days this week, he has gone down immediately with no fuss at all. I honestly thought with how bad it was that I was never going to crack this and I can not thank you enough because the change and in such a short space of time has been huge. I am now without stress and finally have an evening to myself again Smile

BabySleepTeacherUK · 09/07/2020 09:01

Aww that's absolutely lovely to read!

Thank you so much for coming back to let me know

Choice4567 · 09/07/2020 09:04

What a lovely update! Flowers

CLMike · 09/07/2020 15:38

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CLMike · 09/07/2020 15:42

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CLMike · 09/07/2020 15:52

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