Need advice from those who have tried co-sleeping!

[MammaT]

Can anyone tell me how co-sleeping ends? My ds has been sleeping in my bed for about 6 - 8 weeks now and for the first time ever (he's just turned 1) has actually been going to sleep on his own when put down on my bed. Before this it took a great deal of rocking, singing, swaying, swaping over with partner etc. and I was getting really bothered by how long it took him to go to sleep sometimes. However, since sleeping in my bed all has been fine. It's an arrangement both myself and my partner are happy with (esp. him, he's in the spare room getting a full uninterrupted night's sleep!) but is it healthy for a couple not to share a bed for 3 years or so? I am surrounded by wonderful mummy friends whose chn sleep like angels...
Sorry for any errors... virgin Mumsnetter!

my dd still sleeps in bed with us at 2.5 yrs but has the odd night when she insists on being in her own bed. i feel certain that more and more she will want to be in her own room.

we bought a bigger bed to accommodate all 3 of us. dh would have never considered cosleeping prekids but now he is a great advocate of it. among other things, he loves the fact that he can come into a light sleep and know that his dd is safe and sound without ever having to get up and check on her.

if a bigger bed is not an option, what about moving his mattress on the floor next to your bed?

cosleeping takes so many shapes and forms and others will come along to share their own experiences soon.

my ds is 20months and we are still co-sleeping. He goes to sleep in his cot about 7.30 every night (bit of hand holding and singing required!) and then when he wakes at 12ish he comes in with us for the rest of the night.DH happy with it.
I can't/won't do cc so am going with this until we move house (nov) and he'll have his own bedroom. Will have to try to wean him into his own bed at that stage!

also a few of us started a thread a loooooooong time ago called Sleep is for the weak so pop in any time for a sympathetic ear

tis perfectly normal.

dd2 has just started going in her own bed and most nights she climbs in with us anyway. If you are happy with the situation, and it is working for your family, don't change it because you feel pressured by your perfect friends with their angelically sleeping children (they won't be that perfect or angelic, trust me)

You will just have to find a bit of time for "couple time" when you do get to have some time alone.

dp and I have had about two uninterrupted nights together in about 3 1/2 years but we still managed to have ds and are trying for number 4

hi squonk!

hi tam

We ended up as co-sleepers after a very fussy baby who refused to sleep alone. Tried CC once and he made himself sick he was so upset. So we embraced co-sleeping. We took one side off his cot and bumped it up next to our bed so that he could roll over and have his own space when he wanted it. Also meant we could have our own space once he was asleep. He changed overnight into a very content baby. Very much secure.

He now sleeps on a mattress on the floor next to our bed (he is 20 months). He still climbs into our bed some nights, but I bearly notice. He now puts himself to sleep (with one of us in the same room) and mostly sleeps through.

I would say that its good to find a way for your husband to share a bed with you if you can. Having a toddler bed up against yours or 3 sides of a cot is worth a try. Or get a massive bed. But we have a king size, and when all 3 of us are in there its not too comfy!

And don't worry about your friends who turn their nose up at co-sleeping. We all know that feeling! But when you really talk to people, there are LOADS of co-sleepers out there who are very happy with their way of doing things. Lots of people don't admit it due to this weird British pride we seem to hold on to!

Whatever gets you the most sleep!

Wow thanks peeps! I feel better about the situation now. Gosh, I have been giving myself a rough time thinking I wasn't doing the "right thing" and that I am an "accidental parenter" (If I ever meet author of well known parenting book I may just become an accidental gbh-er!). A bigger bed is an option as we struggle in our king-size so will have to work on that, may look into push up bed as well.

I shall pop my cyber head in on the sleep thread too.

Thanks fellow co-sleepers... good night sleep ahead!

Hi Mamma. Welcome to Mumsnet.

I co-slept with my four and I always found it fine. It was my DH who led the moves to get them out of our bed and he used to do so around the 12 month mark. He got fed up not sharing a bed with me (I didn't mind too much ).

It didn't take long because I used to put ear plugs in and DH would get up in the night to comfort the baby but NOT offer any food or drink. Very quickly he/she stopped bothering to wake up in the night as there was only hairy old dad with no nice warm milk on offer.

This has worked well for use every time and we now have four very good sleepers aged between 9 and 2.

Hi mamma

We co-slept with dd (now 18mths). She stopped spontaneosly around a year (no effort on our part - i loved co-sleeping - although she always settled herself alone in her cot at the beginning of the eve) Then we went on hols, so she got unsettled & started coming in again.Then about couple of months ago, she started going through again on her own.

Ignore anyone who tried to slag co-sleeping & come on here - there are a few of us who will fight your corner

I have coslept with gecko from birth
she is now 7 and a half months
she still wakes 3 or 4 times a night to feed which I find hard but would find it harder if we didn't cosleep.
dh sleeps in the spare room and has done for about 2 years now as dd2 was cosleeping with me from about 1 to 2 years.
dd2 is now in her own bed which we gently weaned her into after gecko was born. I love sleeping with gecko and would say that if you want to cosleep then go for it. if your dh is happy to sleep in the spare room then go for it.
it really is a very personal thing. dh and I are fine in our relationship, not sleeping together hasn't stopped us being intimate and we are happy and strong together.

I co-slept with both of my dds. Until about 18 months with dd1 for at least some of the night and until about 2 with dd2 (but she only came in with us at around 5am onwards). They are both now sleeping through beautifully in their own beds. I think you do what you have to do to cope at the time and the most important thing is that you are all happy

TrinityR how did you wean her out of your bed and how long did it take?

I think my partner would be happy sleeping in the spare room forever and so would I but my every now and then I get all Worzel Gummage and put my "Is this normal?" head on, then swap it for my "why don't you want to share our bed" head! I worry about the long term I think.

I have just spoken to him about the situation and he says he thinks we should tackle it in a couple of weeks. He says we should wait til he's in a deep sleep then move him into his cot but I don't think there's much point as he'll wake up in the middle of the night crying. Dp will go and pick him up, soothe him back to sleep, ds will wake as soon as he is lowered into cot, this will happen a couple of times until ds cottons on to the fact that he is going back in his cot then he won't settle with dp at all... an hour has gone by and then he's brought in to our bed thus negating all the hard work done so far!

So now armed with all of your advice I have made a decision... we ARE co-sleeping!

I co-slept with all mine. I cannot remember when it ended, but just wanted to comment. Your wonderful mummy friends are lying. Very few babies sleep like angels. Some parents are honest about sleepless nights, but most aren't. Honestly, it's the truth. They lie!

well with dd2 she was going to sleep downstairs which we weren't happy with . once asleep she would be put in her cot and then when she woke about 2 hours later she would come into our, well my (lol) bed for the rest of the night

I started to think she didn't like her cot so when she was 19 months we decided to give her a proper bed AND stop the going to sleep downstairs. we set a date and then went for it. we put her in her bed and then I sat with her till she fell asleep. it worked great but she then still woke in the night and came into our bed. so we left it at that as getting an evening(previously when she was falling asleep downstairs it would havebeen at about 11pm

gradually as she got older (this whole process took 8 months and gecko was born before we sorted it) she stoped holding my hand to go to sleep and then once gecko was born I had to pop to see to her when I would normally have just stayed sat by dd2s bed and she coped well with that so then each night I would leave for a couple of minutes and then come back. she nevr cried or got out of bed because she knew I was coming back (she was 21 months by now) and then one night she fell asleep whilst I had popped away and so I tried to time my 'popping' so that she was close to falling asleep so that it would happen more often and gradually I stayed away longer and now at age 30 months she goes up to bed when I tell her adn I tuck her and her aMiNals in and she goes tosleep by her self and sleeps all night in her bed.

I think they're just heavy sleepers!

One went down the routine road and had all sorts of problems associated with sticking to a strict schedule, she also feels that because they taught her dd to self-settle she doesn't get any cuddles - which I get in abundance.

Another friend just truly does have the perfect baby ... or v low expectations!

Anyhow, all your comments have been fab. I am now off to get a good night's sleep b4 work tomorrow... sleep well all!

Thank you TrinityR!

my ds moved from in our bed to cot attached to bed (9m) to cot on other side of room (1yo) to own bed in own room (2yo). he sometimes arrives in our bed at 3.30am which is not ideal but not half as bad as trying to send him back. otherwise he bounds in at 5.45 demanding parents get up.

my friend drove herself almost insane with a non sleeping toddler because she wouldn't let him into her bed in case he got bad habits. she was sleeping on floor outside his bedroom door fgs!

Our DD slept in a 3 sided cot up against our bed, I would feed her to sleep in there, and feed her back to sleep if she woke up in the night, which she did til about 18 months when I used pretending to sleep and delaying tactics to discourage her.

She would usually roll up next to me about 6 in the morning but that was ok. We were all happy with this as we had our own space.

When she was nearly 3 and the arrival of her little brother was imminent we went out and chose a bed, covers etc and set up her room. We were putting the bed together and she asked if she could sleep in it that night. I never would have believed it could be that easy. She has been there happily ever since, usually comes in with us for a few cuddles in the morning.

We co slept with ours when they were tiny. They had a moses basket for daytime sleeping, so they were used to sleepin in other places - not just our bed. Then when they outgrew the moses basket, we moved them onto a futon in their rooms for day time sleeps. Then we started the nights witht hem on their futon, then moved them in with us the first time they woke for feeding. Gradually the first waking came later and later and eventually, almost imperceptably we realized they were sleeping through in their own rooms. No tears, no fuss and no stress. Mind you, dd is 11 and ds is 6 and anout once every 10 days we wake up with one ot the other of them in with us. Or with one of them in with the other!

We used a very large futon and all slept together for the first 3 years. Adults are, well, adults, and can defer their needs if necessary. Very small children can't, or shouldn't have to where possible.

oh when he was 3 we did up his room and bought him a big boy bed and gently made the transition to him sleeping in there

I miss him being there, sometimes...

Ignore the "bad habits" idea. I too tied myself in knots for months before "giving in" to co-sleeping. It was the best thing I ever did.

I now have a 3 month old too and he has slept next to me whenever he wants to from day 1. Strangely enough though and unlike my DD he is proving a very sound sleeper and showing a very odd inclination to sleep in his cot from 9 til 6 - never expected that either!

We have had our ds in bed with us ever since he was born - when I was pregnant I read a book called "3 in a bed" which is very positive about co-sleeping and gives lots of evidence for the claims it makes about the positive effects of it so it was a very conscious decision for me. My husband comes from a culture where co-sleeping is the norm so no problem there. Our ds is now 2 years old and I love snuggling up to him in bed! I still get cuddles (and the rest!) from dh and we are all very happy with the arrangement. I found that having scientific studies to back up my decision helped me to feel confident when discussing it with others. Btw ds still breastfeeds during the night and there's some great evidence for how good that is too!