Cry it out method with 21 month old

[Rhi14]

Hi everyone, I'm sure I will be critisised for this but tonight we have tried the cry it out method for the firs time.
My daughter sleeps well for the first half of the night, but over the last month or so she has started waking up between 1 and 2 and not going back to sleep until sometimes 4-5 am. This is with us going in her room and lying with her, trying everything to help her back to sleep. We co slept until 18 months and now she's in her own bed in her own room however sometimes I end up in with her ( which I'm fine with ) it's just the waking up for hours on end which is the problem .
My partner has said he will not do this anymore and has persuaded me to do something I've never thought I would do. The cry it out method.
This is out first night, she woke up at 2.30am and has been on off crying every since, it is now 6.00am . This doesn't feel right and I am desperate to go in there and comfort her, but know that the night is wasted if I do. The fact she hasn't gone to sleep her , does that mean that it's not going to work with her and we need to try something else.... Or should we persevere tomorrow night.
Also if she's not gone to sleep by the time it's 7 ish, do I just go in there and comfort her and then take her down for breakfast even though she hadn't slept for hours.
Ahhh help

You are her mother. Go and help settle her back. 4hrs. Seriously?

All that crying out is teaching her is that no one comes when she cries. And you aren't going to her, because you "don't want to waste the night" yet your baby will be feeling awful. It will work of course, because eventually she will just give up because you aren't responding.

I am alarmed that she has been crying - even on and off - for 4 hours, how on earth can you listen to that! It must be heartbreaking.

Imagine if you were hurt and crying, and people could hear you, could hear your distress and didn't come for 4 hours. How do you think you would feel? Like going to sleep? No, I bet not.

Go in, pick her up. Cuddle her.

Look up gradual withdrawal!

It’s a partner problem you have not a child problem.

Children need reassurance and support. It’s a very western concept to expect them to see alone.

It won’t last forever and 21mths is still very long to self settle

Oh OP nothing can be worth putting your child through this distress! I'm afraid you need to just step up and be a parent here. And yes that means you losing your sleep to provide comfort to your child. It won't last forever.

A long shot, but maybe you need to just check that her overall sleep in a 24 hour period is right for her age. If she's waking up in the middle of the night, is she not tired? Are day time naps too long?

4 hours is a long time to be without a mum or dad to check to make sure all is okay. One of us usually goes in to comfort and check to see that all is good. Just in case they are stuck in cot, blankie is not missing and to offer a drink. We don't usually stay in, but just pop back to comfort them.

It's hard but doesn't last forever. X

OP, go to her right now. Help her.

Don't go against your own instincts. You have those instincts for a reason - to protect her.

I too inherited the idea that children are supposed to get on with it on their own. But in my daughter's father's culture, no baby is allowed to cry for more than a second without being reassured. Up at night? Bring her in with you. Personally this method worked beautifully and I had the most happy and secure and outgoing toddler and growing child as a result, and I never lost a night's sleep.

Yes the problem is your partner's attitude. Prioritise her. She has no voice.

(although she's doing her best to make you hear her, by the sounds of it!!) ☺️

It's not popular here either but I will admit I did controlled crying - or a version of- I left her 2 mins between going in to settle and
comfort. I would agree the cry it out is far too much.

4 hours?! My limit is 20 mins really. But I understand desperation at times. With DS who is the same age, I have found a cuddle works better than a cry

Go and give her a cuddle OP xx

I don't think you're a bad person or you're partner it's so exhausting when they wake up in the middle of the night! I have no real advice but with mine I would go in tuck her back in and walk out the room leave it 10/15mins if she was still going repeat and at least she knew I was there but letting her know it wasn't time to get up. Is she waking up hungry or anything?

Four hours of crying? That’s obviously too long to leave a child to cry but I’m also a bit amazed she’s been awake for that whole time in the middle of the night. I don’t think she’s tired - if you’re not tired you can’t go back to sleep, it’s that simple.
What time do you put her to bed? What are her naps like in the day? Has she been kept busy and is tired out after a day?

You've let her cry for 4 hours without going in to comfort her? I don't know a single sleep training philosophy that reccomends that. No one responsible would suggest CIO for a nearly 2yr old (or any baby really)

If you're going to let her cry, you need to be doing controlled crying. Go in every 5-10 minutes and give her some comfort, shhhing, patting, a cuddle if she's absolutely hysterical, and then leave when she's calm. It's absolutely barbaric to leave a child to cry for 4 hours. I'm sorry, because i know you must already be struggling, but it really needs to be said.

Imagine if you were miserable/uncomfortable/scared, and you knew your partner was next door, and he refused to come and check on you while you wept for 4 hours? We'd say LTB. If someone described their neighbour doing the same with their 7yr old, we'd suggest calling SS.

What happened in the end OP?

Thanks for eveyrone's responses. I had gone in twice to her and reassured her but felt like she got worse when I did so, also half of that time she wasn't crying and was just pottering around in her room. We have fully baby proofed it and there's bacislly nothing in there, but this is another of our problems. She is already in a bed so can get out and roam around.
I understand eveyrone's concern that we left her for so long but we felt like nothing else was working, and she would eventually learn that it was night time and needed to go to sleep. I did go straight in after writing this post as she began to cry and sound really upset, rather than just shouts every now and again. Brought her downstairs for breakfast and she has been laughing and singing and playing just like she usually would.
I am apprehensive about doing it again tonight and will look into a more gradual approach(again) but we are just so exhausted and need a solution!
Of course my instinct is to go in and comfort her to sleep every night but surely she is old enough to self sooth? Or am I wrong for assuming that ?
I need to know a sleep training method that allows her to wake up and night and know that she can go back to sleep without us ! I love cuddling her to sleep in the beginning of the night but not at 3 am when she is awake and wanting to play!
She only had one nap and sleeps between 12-1pm , and goes to bed about 7.30 pm after bath and book. What are we doing wrong ???
Thanks for eveyrone's responses, I don't mind that you all think I'm a mean awful mother listening to her cry! It was something I have never done before and don't think I want to do again!

Yes, you're wrong to assume that a not even 2 year old has the ability to get herself back to sleep of she wakes in the night. I don't expect that of my much older dc - if they wake hungry or hot or in pain or after a nightmare, they come to me and I help them to settle back down. Just as I have had to wake DH occasionally when I wake up and think I can hear an intruder or am stressed about something...

Leaving a child to cry for 4 hours on and off is not going to help them to sleep. I myself would be more anxious about sleeping if I knew I may end up in the same situation again.

I know how hideous sleep deprivation is. I always went for the least distressing option which was often co sleeping in some form to ensure we all got the maximum rest available.

You need to explain to your partner that his needs come after your baby's.

Horrified reading this....cried on and off for 4hrs? I could not have left mine cry like that in the night for 5 minutes, plus I really hope you do not have neighbours attached.

If she’s napping for an hour and goes to sleep at half 7 then I guess she should be tired. Does she have a cuddly toy that she’s attached to to comfort her? Or some musical toy to play lullabies to keep her a little distracted and help her relax?

If you were cosleeping until 3 months ago, you are expecting too much from her too quickly.

Also - if you are going to leave her to cry, she should be in a cot and not a bed. You will end up establishing very unhealthy sleep habits that means she can just be up and about as she pleases in the night, also she could well start falling asleep by the doorway or on the floor. She needs to be in a cot.

I would also stick out the crying with you in the room. Don't leave her alone, it wont solve any of your problems.

Yes, I know it will be stressful for you to be there while she cries for hours. It will be more stressful for her alone, remember that and suck it up.

In the room, with her in a cot - you need to establish the behaviour boundaries you expect. Start off with - you must lie down in your cot. Just that, nothing more. So at every time she gets up, tell her to lie back down. This (a) keeps her safe and not climbing the cot. And (b) gets her in a position to go to sleep.

She'll fight you with just having to stay lying down at first. So be it, have that battle. Be compassionate but firm. Once she's accepted that behaviour boundary and no longer pushes kit, next boundary is - You lie down and are quiet.

Again you/DH stay in there to establish the rules. She is pushing behaviour boundaries. You need to be firm with the behaviour you expect. You also must be consistant in your expectations, at all times. This includes bedtime and naptime.

I’m also surprised you left her crying for that long. Not nice at all. Try withdrawing slowly rather than making her go cold turkey. Going in, silently comforting her and leaving. Repeat until she goes to sleep. She’ll get better. Much better than just letting her cry for hours on end.

Do you have neighbours? Our neighbours don’t go in to their 2yr old when he wakes in the night. So we get woken up by endless crying too. I don’t empathise with them at all. We had a bad sleeper but never left her crying so long like that. We heard the other side bang on the wall the other night - so that’s three households being kept up.

Of course my instinct is to go in and comfort her to sleep every night but surely she is old enough to self sooth? ... I need to know a sleep training method that allows her to wake up and night and know that she can go back to sleep without us!

Have you taught her to self soothe, op?

It's not something that babies suddenly know how to do when mum & dad need sleep!

What are we doing wrong ??? Expecting your baby to learn how to sleep without helping her.

I don't think you are an awful mother, just one who doesn't know what to do, with a partner who sounds like he thinks it's all up to you.

Ooo OK I've just read your update.

First thing I would say is she is too young for a bed. Put the sides on, she needs to be in a cot/cot bed especially if you're going to use any type of sleep training.

The other thing that stood out to me was you sayi g you love cuddling her to sleep at the start of the night but not when she Wakes in the middle of the night. How is she to know the difference. By cuddling her to sleep you havent taught her to self soothe and so she can't be expected to know how to self soothe in the night.

Put the sides on the bed to make it a cot. Use a gentle method such as gradually retreating or returning her to a lay down position each time she gets up. She's still very young. My DS is the same age and while they seem older I think you have misinterpreted their abilities at this age

I really feel for you. Sleep deprivation is terrible and makes you try everything out of desperation. She probably wasn’t awake for as long as you thought between 2am and 6am or else she would be exhausted. It can seem like you’re awake all night but I wonder if she dozed off for a few chunks of time.
No advice here but just wanted to offer some support. Don’t feel judged. Good luck tonight x