Swapping Boob Comforter for something (anything!) else at 6mo

[PutAnOliveInIt]

I am at my wits end. DD is 6mo. I’m back at work in 3 weeks and she most definitely uses breastfeeding as her comforter and I desperately need her to have something else.
She won’t/can’t self settle, she just screams and screams until I lift her out of her sidcot and on to the breast
I tried numerous times from 8wks to give her a dummy - she refused it.
Her current pattern is waking ever 1.5-2hrs until 4am, when we co-sleep (something I don’t want to do).
I’ve tried an “official” comforter; a muslin; a cuddly toy (all placed with us and in her arms as we cuddle or DD is being fed to sleep) but she still ONLY can be settled by my breast.

I’m so tired and dreading going back to work on such little sleep.

Part of me feels so guilty, I struggled to BF initially and was so pleased when it clicked. Now I worry I’ve got myself into a difficult situation

Has anyone successfully managed to wean their baby from breast to self settling or anything other than a dummy?

Please please please help!!

It's unlikely you'll get baby to take a dummy now, 6 months is generally too late to usefully introduce one (although definately worth a try).

Stopping feeding to sleep either is (a) a very slow transition done very gradually over many months. Or (b) done quicker but with more crying. The quicker you make the change the more crying initially.

So the next step depends on your the compromises between your parenting style and how necessary independent settling is.

Don’t feel guilty! That sounds really tough.

I’ve always fed to sleep and then 4 month sleep regression was a killer. Someone recommended the program from justchillbabysleep to me and whilst I admittedly haven’t had the time to work through it all, I’ve found it so so helpful. My baby is a bit younger, so I haven’t tried the over 6 months stuff, but the 4 to 6 month program is all about gently teaching self soothing. Cry it out really isn’t for me, and I felt like (for me personally) my baby was too young for that, but it’s different to that, much more softly softly. I liked that it helped me understand a bit more and think of self settling like a skill to be learnt. I think the guide I bought was about £40/£50. Which made my eyes water, but I was pretty desperate, especially given the lockdown meant I’d lost outside help to allow for better day napping.

Thank you both
@FATEdestiny We are anti CIO but happy with CC method. I feared we were too late with a dummy, but honestly, tried so many previous times

@MamblingOn interesting you’ve bought her package. I follow her on insta after seeing her on a Wean in 15 live insta session and she seems good. Is it working with your LO? Is the sleep better?
We are debating just paying for a tailored 1:1 sleep training specialist - but I’m not sure what that is going to get me that I can’t get online and I’ve a few friends who it didn’t work for. It’s a lot of money to “waste”

I am at the stage where something has to change

Yeah, I felt the 1:1 was a lot. And it hadn’t been THAT long compared to some people I knew. The guide felt like a good middle ground. And the one I got is Loooong. So I can’t imagine there’s much not covered.

I’ve noticed a definite improvement. I wouldn’t say things are perfect and I still have the odd horror night and battle to get him down initially some times, but it’s definitely a big improvement. He was up to maybe 4 to 6 hours asleep in a stretch before 4 months but then it became waking every 45 mins during naps and every hour or two throughout the night. Now he’ll generally sleep 3 1/2 to 4 1/2 hours to start, then wake for a feed and maybe every 3 hours on average after that. Sometimes a bit less. But he seems to actually be hungry so I can’t argue with that and he just has a feed for 15 mins and then goes straight back down without fuss, in a half asleep state. I’ve noticed on the baby monitor that he’ll still stir or wake up completely, but just gets more comfortable and dozes off again, unless he needs something.

To be honest, I just felt like I wanted someone to tell me what to do and I was pretty clueless about a good schedule etc. And it gave me that.

Just as an aside, I read somewhere (can’t remember if in the guide I bought or elsewhere), a suggestion to reduce the connection between feeding and sleeping by gradually increasing the time between the two. So if you feed to sleep, start feeding to basically asleep and then move into just a cuddle but no boob. Then feed to “very sleepy” a few times. Then to “quite sleepy” etc. Don’t know if it helped, but it seemed to make sense to me.

Planning a set bed time routine every night worked for us. So it’s dinner (it’s a proper dinner now he’s 6 months but used to be a breast feed), bath, baby massage, a bit of a play / bedtime story, then feed, and bed (with the baby womb sounds white noise app on Alexa). It clicked eventually.

@MamblingOn THANK YOU this extra info is so helpful. I will bite the bullet and see what her 6 month plan is like.

@GrumpyHoonMain We’ve actually had a routine for her since she was 8 weeks: small Feed/dinner, play, bath, story, feed - but she falls asleep on this last feed and I transfer her to her dude cot. She used to suffer from terrible reflux, so I used to hear to sit her upright after her bedtime feed - I can now see that’s how she fell into the habit of being fed to sleep / sleeping on me...

*side not dude cot!

@FATEdestiny - interested to hear about how much crying in breaking the feed to sleep quickly? My 11 week old has that association and I’ve gently distracted him and shush/bum patted whilst holding him to sleep today. He cried a bit but got to sleep and I wasn’t sure if I’d just gotten his wake windows wrong?

I wouldn't tolerate an 11 week old crying without all possible efforts being made to comfort him ELW85. But there's no reason you can't use other methods to calm, that are not feeding to sleep.

At that age, it's entirely possible that you can get a dummy accepted. It will take work and effort, but worth it because then there is zero need for any crying whatsoever - which of course is best.

Without a dummy, if it was mine at that age I would wrap in a swaddle and rock/sway to calm baby, then put down and pat once calm. Pick back up if crying and start again, repeat over and over again.

@FATEdestiny - this is the thing; I absolutely do not want him crying. It’s awful. I rock and hold him but then he ends up sleeping on me.
I’m kind of tempted to not try to break any habits until 5 months - thoughts?
He does cry a little around naps if I get his wake windows wrong.

@FATEdestiny I should also say I’ve tried repeatedly with a dummy but he cries even more!

I’m kind of tempted to not try to break any habits until 5 months - thoughts?

You can be working on this in a gentle no-cry way now. It's just it won't be a magic wand with instant results. But with effort, you will have already made many improvements by the time baby is 5/6 months anyway.

So, for example, try to rock less vigorously. When baby is calm and not crying, slow and still the rocking so you are just holding baby still, but be willing to restart if needed . But always still the moment baby is calm and not crying.

Also, gradually put baby down earlier. So the aim (in the longer term) is that you rock baby while distressed, still once calm and as long as baby stays calm when still, you lower baby into the cot*. But if crying starts you roll back up the steps - so lift and hold, if that's not enough rock. Then roll back down the steps when calm - rock, still but held, lowered down to cot.

• Lowering into the cot is a technique to master in itself. It is not just a case of putting baby in the cot.

When putting baby down, a swaddle makes a big difference because it reduces stimulation. Holding baby to your chest (cradle hold), bend at the waist. The idea is that you and baby lower to the cot mattress, but with baby not moving relative to you. So baby stays held to your chest as you bend over the cot.

Get right until your torso is parallel to the cot mattress and baby is on the cot, gradually remove your arms from under baby but maintain the same physical closeness, so you are hovering over baby's full body with your chest touching, and arms still circling baby (but not under). Wait until baby is calm, then as you slowly lift your torso, replace it with the weight of your hand firmly on baby's chest - so the weight of your presence is replaced with your hand. Stand up slowly and keep your hand there for a few minutes, before slowly lifting hand.

@FATEdestiny - can’t thank you enough for the advice!
I’m currently holding him for his naps which I know needs to change and was feeding to sleep. For his last nap though, I distracted him with a slumber buddy and very gently walked him around the room. No rocking and much more importantly, no tears!!
Now to get him to sleep by himself 😂

@FATEdestiny - sorry I meant to ask is the ninja putting down guide to be done awake or asleep do you think? I’m going to start this week once I’ve established a non-feed to sleep habit!
The holding and watching the slumber buddy with bum pats seems to be working so far!

[quote ELW85]@FATEdestiny - sorry I meant to ask is the ninja putting down guide to be done awake or asleep do you think? I’m going to start this week once I’ve established a non-feed to sleep habit!
The holding and watching the slumber buddy with bum pats seems to be working so far![/quote]
Sorry it's taken me ages to come back to you @ELW85

The idea is that you progress through each stage as soon as baby is calm from the last. So calm doesn't mean asleep, it just means not crying or fighting it.

You have a ladder of settling techniques to get baby to sleep. While ever baby is calm and not distressed, you move down a step. If baby is distressed or becomes distressed, you move back up. The ladder (and you can make more tiny changes between "rungs" if you prefer) could be:

• Rocking vigorously
• Swaying gently
• Holding in rams but still
• Holding in arms but bent over sleeping surface / cot
• Baby on cot mattress but you hovering over and still very close (as explained in earlier post)
• baby in cot, your hand on babys chest, face close to baby but chest moved away
• Just hand on chest while baby is in cot
• Remove your hand but stay nearby
• Baby in cot on own

You immediately move to the next stage as soon as baby is content with the last. But as soon as baby isn't content then you go back up as many steps that are needed until baby is calm. Then as soon as baby is calm, you start going down the steps again

Sorry, should have said, I am FATEdestiny (different username, same person)

@FATEdestiny @BabySleepTeacherUK - thank you; I can’t tell you enough how grateful I am for the support!