What other option do I have than controlled crying?

[Moonshine160]

My 14 month old DS used to be a reasonably good sleeper. We went through a very bad spell of sleep when he had his 12 month vaccinations combined with teething, as to be expected, but six weeks later it’s no better. I’d say 30% of the time he will sleep through which is amazing but the other 70% is horrific. Last week on one of the days he woke up at 1am and didn’t go back to sleep until the afternoon, it nearly killed me.
He will wake in the night and be awake for up to 3-4 hours. He will stand up in his cot initially and cry. We’ve tried various things to get him back to sleep. Milk, rocking, cuddling, shhing, we bring him into our bed but he never settles and just crawls all over the bed giggling, or if he knows we’re trying to get him to sleep then he’ll just cry again. We’ve tried lying on his floor next to his cot but he just stands up and laughs thinking it’s a game. We’ve tried leaving him in his cot but staying in the room with him but if we do this it turns into a hysterical angry cry and makes him more wound up that we’re in the room but won’t let him out of his cot. The only thing that’s seemed to work is controlled crying - something that admittedly I have criticised other mums on mumsnet for doing and promised it’s something I would never do. But I am literally at my wits end with sleep deprivation. If he wakes crying I give him some water or milk if he seems hungry, initially give him a cuddle but then leave the room. I go in every two minutes to lie him back down, stroke his head then leave again and he’s usually back to sleep within 10 minutes and will do so until the morning. I have done this twice now but I feel incredibly guilty and like I’m an awful mum so I don’t want to continue doing that. I need an alternative but I don’t know what and I’m desperate! I wish he would settle in bed with us but he isn’t a cuddly baby at all - never has been. Any suggestions please?
Also, on the odd occasion that he does sleep through, it doesn’t seem to be down to changes in naps or routine or anything. Last night I refused to leave him to cry and we were up from 1am-4:15am. Please help!

If it only takes 10 minutes to get him back to sleep then do that.

What happens to get him to sleep at bedtime?

How much daytime sleep does he have?

How easily does he go to sleep for him daytime naps?

Also - what are his behaviour boundaries like generally, not just around sleep?

Can / does he follow simple instructions for example (sit down, stand up, bring to me). Do you ever find a situation where you have to say "no" and mean it? How does he react?

I’m biased as I’ve recent trained my 6 month old with that same method (I feed him without question during night wakings - these are down to once or twice now - but settle him as you describe at naps and bedtime). However, maybe you need to shift your thinking rather than your method? Why do you feel guilty? You’re resettling your child very quickly so he can be well-rested and play and learn and develop effectively. You’re enabling yourself to get some rest, which is paramount for safe and effective parenting. Him being awake for 3hs in the night - or 12hs from 1am?! - is of no benefit to anyone in the family, and you’ve found a safe and fast method to improve everyone’s situation.

Sorry, I realise this is one of those annoying posts that doesn’t answer the actual question!

Both of ours did this, we gave them warm milk and popped them back into bed with us and they went straight back to sleep.

I just saw that he doesn't settle into bed, could he be hungry though? The warm milk might have been more of a settler than the cuddles with our two.

I was recommended the book 'teach your child to sleep' by The Millpond Clinic, it gives lots of information and different methods that you can choose from, we chose a very gentle method as it suited us.

I'm confused. It sounds like if you go in then it's working fine. Isn't this quite normal for his age?

I would personally take 10 mins of crying over 3 hours awake in the middle of the night and resulting sleep deprivation that has a lasting effect. On everyone. But that’s personal choice!

Thanks all for your replies.

@FATEdestiny he goes to sleep both for night sleep and naps absolutely fine. I put him down in his cot with his muslin which he rubs on his face and he rolls around for a while then goes to sleep. He’s done this since he was about 6 months old, not through any sleep training or anything he just seems to like his own space. He naps in his cot and has around 2 hours a day with just one nap straight after lunch now. If he’s been up half the night then he has a shorter nap in the morning too. No he doesn’t follow simple instructions like that but he definitely understands ‘no’ as he will have a bit of a paddy.

@Goostacean thanks for that, that’s made me look at the situation a bit differently.

@TimeWastingButFun hi, yes if he doesn’t settle then I will always try the milk. He drinks it but it doesn’t settle him down unfortunately. I’d love for him to sleep in our bed if it meant that we could all get some sleep but he just won’t sleep next to us.

@lorisparkle thank you - I’ve just ordered that book.

No he doesn’t follow simple instructions like that but he definitely understands ‘no’ as he will have a bit of a paddy

You could start working on following instructions through daytime play. Simon Says is the obvious game. But also increasing your expectations that she can do these things. For example "can you bring me the ball?" (Rather than you getting up to fetch it). If he wants to sit on your knee, tell him to climb up on the sofa himself to get on your knee rather than lifting him up.

The aim of doing this is because you want to be able to give him the instruction to "lie down" at bedtime and for him to (a) be physically able to lie down by himself, and (b) be willing to follow your instruction.

You mention needing to lie baby back down. At this age you want to stop doing that. At bedtime and naptime (when not stressful), put him invite cot stood up, tap the mattress and say "lie down". Completely stop putting physically lying him down in the cot.

Then, when things are stressful (at night wake ups) set the expectation that when in his cot he should be lying down. So keep on getting him to lie back down repeatedly. Build in a simple mantra with additional expectations, like "Sleep time now. Lie down and be quiet. Nan night".

The idea is yo make very, very clear exactly what you expect. You cannot physically make him sleep. But you can instil in him that he must be lying down and quiet. If he lies still and quiet long enough, he'll go to sleep himself due to boredom. So your expectation isn't sleep. It is (initially) that he must (make it non negotiable) lie down in his cot, and later that he must also be quiet while lying down.

Having behaviour boundaries and expectations generally (Not just around sleep, but around all aspects of life with a toddler) makes instilling these at night time easier.

@Moonshine160 sounds like you've tried most things! Hope he grows out of it really soon. It must be soooo tiring :-( x

If controlled crying takes 10 minutes to settle him, I would definitely just do that.

I'd barely even class that as sleep training to be honest. It is hardly closing the door and leaving him to cry for an hour. Your method sounds very gentle.