Losing my mind/ fear PPD

[Sunshineeeee]

Hi all,

Guess I just need some encouragement/insight/help..

My baby just turned 6 months and although we had a really difficult time with breastfeeding and lots of ups and downs with my health I've generally felt fine post partum. My son has always been an absolutely terrible sleeper since birth. A good stretch for him is 3 hours. I was able to cope before but the adrenaline wore off around 4 months and I started to feel like I was getting what felt like ppd at random moments. It took 3 months to get my son used to his Moses basket, then he finally got used to it and went through the 4 month sleep regression. He always fights his naps and it can take 2/3 hours to get him down for the night even though he is tired and constantly rubbing his eyes.

Now at 6 months he refuses to go down once asleep. He'll wake flailing his arms around and will wake no matter how deep asleep he is or what time it is. Nothing is helping. I feel like the last 6 months of sleep deprivation have caught up and I just can't do it anymore. During the day (outside of nap times) my son is a very happy baby and everything feels ok but when it comes to napping and the evening I just can't handle life anymore. I've ran out of tears and instead have this deep deep anger and depression. I don't ever see this improving and if anything he's becoming harder and harder. It's 2:40 and I've finally got him down (he woke at 1 for a feed). I'll probably sleep an hour till he's up again. He'll then start the day around 5:30/6am.

I've blacked out his windows. I've burped him. I make sure room temp is good. I have white noise. He has his dummy. I've given pain relief for teething. His nappy is clean.

I attempt to have this as his schedule (he fell into this routine but lately fights it):
Wakes 6am
Naps 8-9ish (sometimes sooner, ill try and lay with him to get him to sleep longer)
Naps 11/12 for an hour
Naps 2:30/3/4 for an hour
Bedtime 7

He used to nap for 2-3 hours in the afternoon but has stopped and is really overtired from missing that nap. I have no idea why he has stopped and he's definitely not ready to drop a nap. Things were seeming to improve at around 5 months for a couple weeks but that's all gone down the drain and things are worse than ever before now. Argh! Rant over.

Are you alone in parenting him OP? Because it sounds as though a wee bit of help would benefit you both.

Lack of sleep does weird things to my head, I don't like it one bit.
Anyway little ones go through phases and what worked last week may not work this week, and vice versa. People talk of an app called 'Wonder Weeks' that guides you through the expected phases. Never used it myself but I printed off a leaps and spurts diagram. My DD didn't follow them exactly but when she played up or whatever I went to the diagram and could see what her little mind or body could be up to that's causing the behaviour and it helped me through it. These times do pass despite it feeling like Groundhog Day or indeed The Neverending Story 🤗

@DioneTheDiabolist I live with my husband but he works and although my son used to sleep with him before, he now will scream till he's blue if it's not me dealing with him when he's tired. My husband suggested swapping to formula but I don't want to do that (not that it's guaranteed to help anyway).

@Skweeler totally agree. I feel like I'm being tortured.

I've got the wonder weeks app but it's practically saying every single week is a fussy period . My friends babies all sleep better than my LO. Just makes me feel so much worse.

My grandchild is giving his parents a hard time with sleep and settling. What is the Wonder Weeks app? Does it only work on phones? I can't find it on my i-Pad

Hi op,

I completely feel for you. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture!

What is he sleeping in? Is he still in the moses basket? My dd was still in her moses basket at 6 months because she'd got used to it and for a while it was the only thing she sleep in. But her sleep started getting worse and she wouldn't transfer into it without waking. We worked out that she'd outgrown the basket and was waking herself up hitting the sides.

The obvious suggestions of things to try, and the things that are always suggested on here, are co-sleeping, sleep training and getting your partner to help. Your instinct may be to resist these but I would really encourage you to be open minded and try anything that might help. You deserve and need sleep. Could your partner get up with your son in the morning when he wakes to give you another hour or so sleep? If you are worried about the safety aspect of co-sleeping, there's lots of evidence of is safe especially when breastfeeding and also at six months you are out of the high risk period for SIDS. Alternatively have you tried any sleep training?

I didn't find the wonder weeks app very helpful either.

Have you tried swaddling him? Both of mine were terrible for throwing their arms around and waking themselves up. If he’s near rolling, you could loosen it a bit once you put him down so he could get his arms out if he tried.

During the day, would movement help? If he would fall asleep in the buggy, maybe with some white noise in beside him, I would take him for a walk and then put him in a quiet part of the house for a sleep. I used to put my oldest in the downstairs toilet as it was cool and dark.

My first didn’t sleep through til about fifteen months and second is only just there at nine months. And they’re both formula fed so that’s no magic cure although it does allow for my husband to take turns getting in the night or with them in the morning.

My husband suggested swapping to formula but I don't want to do that (not that it's guaranteed to help anyway).

I think you're DH is trying to share the load with you here. Given quite how much to despair you are feeling, please don't add to this by not considering formula. You're right it might not solve the sleep issues. But what it definately would mean is that your DH can help you and that the responsibility isn't all yours.

Uts ok to carry on breastfeeding. It's also ok to consider that, at 6 months, your DH could get involved with night feeds and settling baby. He can only do that with bottles though. Don't discount it just because of pride - he can help you.

In terms of your baby's sleep. Have you considered a sidecar cot? You can take 1 side off most cots and wedge it up to your bed. This means you can do dummy resettles and cuddle baby to sleep Without moving from under your duvet. In fact you can probably do the resetting without even opening your eyes or moving. It makes life do much easier.

FATEdestiny makes a really good point about formula and your DH wanting to help share the load. If things get bad with my DD's sleep again I think I need to take that advice myself because I'm also guilty of refusing to try formula and trying to breastfeed at all costs. And I'm not really quite sure why to be honest. It would have made sense to at least give it a try but I point blank refused and thinking back I'm not quite sure why. I think you get to a point with sleep deprivation where you can't quite think straight and everything seems impossible.

We have the sidecar cot set up with the cot pushed up to the bed and one side removed. I'm sleeping in the share room/nursery and have set the bed up to be safe for co sleeping. We did co sleep for a bit when things were really bad. The first night I lay awake the whole night terrified but it did help for a bit. Then she got better at being transferred into the cot. I think it helped that I could slide her in - I think the change in elevation picking her up and putting her down into the cot was waking her. I slide her across, extract my hand and quickly put my hand on her tummy and go SHHHHHH really loudly. Seems to do the trick. But it might just be luck/time that's improved her sleep to be honest.

@MrsSquiggler thanks for your response. At the moment my LO has transitioned to his cot. He would probably knock over the basket by now the little fatty lol.

I had to stop cosleeping as I found he slept worse and wanted comfort suck all night. If I moved the slightest he would realise and wake crying. He stopped taking his dummy. I'm also got a really bad back and cosleeping makes it a hundred worse.

I don't have the will power for sleep training. I attempted the Ferber method and just give in. My partner is worse than me. He'll try to take our LO when he wakes in the morning for that hour but then he has to dash to work.

Oh and mine often wakes at 5:30/6 too and won't transfer into the cot but will go back to sleep if feed to sleep co sleeping so we do that

@StarsOnAMat he isn't showing any signs of rolling still but I stopped swaddling when I found him with his face covered a couple times . And now that he's in the cot I'm even more terrified of that happening. I bought a sleep sack thinking that might help but nope

@FATEdestiny you're right. It could mean he do the night shifts during the weekend when he doesn't have work. I think I'll have to give it a try as I don't know what else I can do.

We don't have space for the side cot as our room is quite small. LO is actually in his own room now as there is no space. We just about had the basket in here.

We don't have space for the side cot as our room is quite small

Do you have a chest of drawers in your bedroom? Or a wardrobe?

You could remove the drawers/furnature out of your room in order to fit the cot in. It will be worth it to get you better quality and more sleep.

You are gaining nothing by baby in own room. All it's achieving is giving you worse sleep than you would otherwise. There is no rational reason to do it yet.

No we have a wardrobe that's built in. It's a rented property and is a really odd shaped room with a random boiler In there, a chimney wall etc. We just have our bed, a built in wardrobe and a bedside cabinet. I've attempted sleeping on the floor in LO's room but it's just so uncomfortable.

I use an app called Huckleberry that you use to track babys sleep during the day and it gives you the babies sweet spot for sleep. I have found it so helpful in terms of naps during the day as it helps to prevent baby getting overtired. As a first time mom who didnt know what I was doing with sleep, this really helped.

I am prone to depression and anxiety so I am very sorry you are struggling with that at the moment. Sleep deprivation is shockingly bad for mental health. I know you said co sleeping did not work for you due to baby waking and It being uncomfortable. I co sleep with my baby who is 4 months now and what we do is the baby sleeps beside her dad during the night so that I can lie comfortably and when she wakes shes not instantly looking for the boob unless shes hungry and then obviously I give it to her. Even if the baby does wake frequently, I can at least sleep comfortably on my side while the baby sleeps beside dad (done very safely of course without blankets or pillows in the way of baby etc). Can your partner take the baby in the mornings on the weekend so you can get a couple of hours unbroken sleep?

You need to work with DH on this. I got myself in a rut where only I could settle DS and the pressure became enormous. Introducing a bit of formula is really not a bad thing - I fought it for so long myself but it helped a lot when we did it at 10months.

What job does he do? I don't think it's fair that you do everything through the night - you have a very important job too... Looking after your baby!

@FATEdestiny always offers excellent advice on sleep

I don't have the will power for sleep training

This is precisely why I suggested a sidecar cot. It's clear from your posts that you are at the end of your rope. As much as you want/need baby's sleep to improve, you don't have the energy to invest in all the distress involved with sleep training. And that's OK.

A sidecar cot is not cosleeping but it's a million times easier to settle the baby independently in a sidecar cot.

What about buying a single bed for baby's room? It's not a wasted purchase because your DC will soon enough need a single bed anyway. But in the mean-time you can lie down and sleep while dealing with baby's wake ups.

If space is an issue, as I said previously, move furnature around or out of the room completely to make it work.

Now at 6 months he refuses to go down once asleep.

This encompasses the central problem here.

Good sleep habits begin amd end with the fact that baby must - MUST - go to sleep where they stay asleep. You will not get any good sleep habits from getting baby to sleep somewhere that isn't the cot and then putting then down into the cot.

You could:
(a) rock baby to sleep in your arms and then maintain the sleep with baby in your arms. That's baby going to sleep where they stay asleep. But it's not independent sleep - it's dependant on you. Or
(b) teach baby to go from awake to a sleep in the cot. This means that once baby (finally) goes to sleep there is no moving or putting baby down - they just stay asleep where they went to sleep.

As to how that happens- yeah it will be hassle. Three things will help though:

• the dummy to reduce crying
• your husband can help because going to sleep is not relivent on feeding
• a sidecar cot makes everything easier to deal with when your doing this at 3am (having only dropped to sleep yourself at 2am and knowing you'll probably be awake again at 4am...)

The idea is to do all the settling with baby lying down in the cot. So you don't leave baby to cry, ever don't comfort baby. You feed, wind, put down.

Then you (or DH - Involve him) lie on your bed next to the cot. Some things that might help in-cot settling:
● from your bed, lie the top half of your body close to baby's
● put your head/face close to babies. This is important since it evokes the sence

• baby can feel your breath on his cheek
• baby can hear your breathing in his ear
• baby can smell you close
• these sence tell baby you are still there even when he closes his eyes and can no longer see you. It keeps the reassurance going.

● use one of your hands to hold both of his, so you still his flailing arms. ● if needs be, position this hand (with his hands) over his hips to also still leg bashing. You often need to actively teach babies to still their bodies, it doesn't always come naturally. ● use your other hand to cuddle him. ● some babies like rhythmic patting ● some babies just like to know you are there by feeling your hand on their chest ● some like face stroking ● some like long shushhhhhhhh sounds. Others like quick syllables- sh sh sh sh. Others like silence ● reinsert dummy as needed. Make sure baby actively takes the dummy rather than it being passively in his mouth. ● Tap on outside of dumny to encourage sucking if crying starts.

Then it's just a matter of Don't Give Up. Just keep going. Stay reassuring, stay calm, stay patient. Always the same - consistency is key. Do the same thing every wake up, every bedtime, always the same.

I could have written your post... I feel your pain!! My baby is only 4 months old but everything is as you describe. I'm losing my mind as he's up every 30-40 mins throughout the night for comfort feeding. We co-sleep. He wakes the second I make a slightest move or try to pull my breast away and then we have to resettle from the beginning. He's exclusively breastfed and my husband is also trying to convince me to switch to formula but I'd like to keep going. I get 3-4 broken hours a night and I'm losing a will to live. I have a 4 year old as well... and just like you, I don't have the will to go through sleep training. We tried, but we lasted about 2h of that...
Nothing to add that could help you, just wanted to let you know you're not alone and offer a hand hold...
it will get better. My other son was a terrible sleeper as long as I breastfed him, which was over 2 years. This time I'll cut it short or I know I won't survive this.

@FATEdestiny God! Why were you not in my life sooner? I don't know whether I'm just having a miraculous evening or whether what you've said has hit the nail on the head.

The thing about putting him to sleep in the place he'll stay asleep really struck so I side nursed him in my bed at 7pm and he fell asleep. He just woke up at 11 for a feed (which I gave in a bottle just so the comfort feeding doesn't start), I burped him, handed him his dummy (more of a toy for him than of any use), and then I lay next to him but turned my back so he can't engage me. After maybe 5 minutes of babbling and playing with his dummy from hand to hand he just fell asleep.. all. by. him. self. The first time in 6 months 😭. I've asked hubby to sleep on the sofa tonight.

If this continues through the night I might just try the same thing with his cot and sit next to him till he nods off.

I really regret not getting a single bed (underestimated motherhood ha!) and bought a cot bed. I could sell it and get a single bed in its place but I really would like to use it till my LO is 6/7. I just hope this isn't beginners luck and he improves till he can fall asleep in his cot without getting separation anxiety.

Thank you a million times over. Don't know mumsnet etiquettes (apparently offering biscuits isn't great) but I hope cake isn't offensive

@AllThatJazz92 thanks for the app. I'm going to give that a go. I really hope things improve for both of us.

My partner does try to take him on the weekends and is insisting on formula as he's seeing the toll it's taking on me. I just really don't want to give it but if things don't improve then I'll have to for my own wellbeing.

@doadeer see I dug my own grave. My husband would help during the night but when my LO would scream louder I would just quickly nurse him to calm him down and so everyone can go back to sleep quicker (he'd take half an hour with my husband and 5 minutes nursing). I only started this during the 4 month sleep regression and that's when the comfort nursing really kicked in. Before that he'd sleep with his dad without the feed.

I think you're right. It's no good offering breastmilk if I can't offer the right environment for him by being so sleep deprived.

@bunny85 it's really horrible isn't it. It's the hardest part of motherhood for me. All the other changes come second. Could you try what fatedestiny suggested? (If you haven't already). hugs

This may not be the best advice but I had no real routine with mine. Could you take your cues from your DS and just let him sleep when tired? Mine would stay up pretty late until say 10/11pm and it meant I got a good stretch of sleep. You lose your evenings but sleep is probably the priority. Also I would nap whenever DS napped so I could have several naps a day to catch up. I got no housework or anything done but it meant I was catching up on sleep during the day.

And yes I would recommend a single bed in baby room.