Cosleeping Disaster - Support & Advice Desperately Needed!

[Jlp1234]

I apologise in advance for how long this post is.

I started cosleeping with my daughter when she was just 6 weeks old - she is now 6.5 months.

I’d had a horrific birth/labour which seemed to take me an age to fully recover from which alongside being a brand new mum and the sheer exhaustion and sleep deprivation hitting me full force in the face PLUS the fact that DD was born with some tricky health complications meaning weeks of being poked and prodded at by doctors and nurses and needles upon needles, scans, canulas being fitted and medication being administered meant she was super unsettled sleep wise right from the very get go. I’d lay her down in her next 2 me crib for the evening and she would continually wake after 45 minutes bursts through the entire night and after 6 weeks of trying to battle through it I was desperate. Like at my wits end desperate to just rest peacefully and not be woken constantly all freaking night and resorted to cosleeping with her to try and regain some sort of sanity.

I’d always said initially that I’d never entertain co sleeping and was adamant I wanted baby to learn to sleep in her own space from day 1 but things didn’t pan out that way and we all do things we don’t necessarily want to or had planned to from time to time I guess but I could feel myself spiralling into a pit of PND so I caved.

The first night I ever co slept it was like magic. She slept for 5 and a half hours solidly and WOW oh my god, I woke that morning feeling like a new woman. Because it had worked so well I continued with it and well.. here we are 5 months later still co sleeping but in total regret of ever starting.

DD will ONLY sleep with my arm propped under her head, lay on her side curled right into my breasts. This includes her naps too. If she can’t sleep like this then she just refuses to sleep at all. She won’t sleep just next to me like most co sleeping baby’s do, or on her back/stomach, it has to be on me or it’s either constant wake ups crying in fits of rage and panic or we just don’t manage any sleep at all.

At first this was fine as it’s what helped me to survive the very early stages but now I’m like a total slave to her. When she naps during the day and I have a million and one things I could be getting done during this time but can’t do ANYTHING as I have to lay with her still and silent to ensure she’s getting a full nap.. same with bedtime. As soon as she goes to sleep that’s it. My day is done and I have no hopes of having an evening.

I’ve tried sleep training by using CC etc but it’s failed every single time. She just goes bat shit crazy for hours until I feel soooooo bad hearing her so upset that I retrieve her and place her on me in my bed. My god if only you knew how many times I’ve woke up and thought I can’t do this anymore, I feel like a prisoner, I NEED to get her to sleep on her own now, only to try placing her down by herself for even just a morning nap and she’s lost it straight away and screamed bloody murder so I’ve gave in. I’ve tried using a sleepyhead, white noise machine, comforters you name it I’ve tried it and nothing, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING has worked.

Truth is this is now affecting my whole life in quite a negative way to the point I’m actually feeling really depressed by it all. Whilst most parents look forward to putting there kids down for the night so that they can enjoy some child free adult time to themselves, I spend all day dreading it because I know come 7:30pm I’ll be laying in the dark in silence with a baby glued to my side with no personal space feeling wide awake. I envy all the moms and dads who are laying out relaxing catching up on junk TV or reading books or even just having a simple conversation together because that is just not how my life is at all. My relationship with my parter has rapidly declined because we have no sex life anymore, I mean we barely even manage a conversation because as I said, when we should be catching up and having some ‘us’ time, I’m confined to the bedroom so DD can sleep.

I’m really hoping that there is another momma out there who’s experienced the same as this and can relate and maybe give some encouraging words or some support/advice to help me see a light at the end of this tunnel so I have even a glimmer of hope that this will get better at some stage :(

I remember feeling similar to this a year ago. My son (now 18 months) only napped on me, or in his pram - if it was moving, outside the house. I felt trapped and frustrated and couldn’t see how it wouldn’t always be like this.

First of all, try to let go of the regret of co sleeping in the first place - you sound like you had a really traumatic and exhausting start to motherhood and you made the best decision you could for you and your daughter at the time. Also 6 months is a difficult age developmentally - there’s a lot going on in their brains, learning to sit up/roll/crawl maybe - which could be exacerbating her clinginess.

You say you’ve tried CC with no success. Have you tried gentler methods? We used Lucy Wolfe’s stay-and-support approach at 8 months ish and it worked really well. The book is very geared towards parents who’ve got into habits they didn’t necessarily want to - like co sleeping - and now want to change. You stay with your child the whole time and help soothe them to sleep, though there is crying. My DH did it for the first two weeks because I knew I’d cave and stop doing it if DS cried for too long. DS did cry but more in annoyance, not distress.

Alternatively you could try very gradually lessening her dependence on you being right next to her to sleep. For example, start with her not sleeping on your arm, but your arm above her head. That will probably be the hardest transition because it alters the position of her body in sleep, like having too many/few pillows in a hotel. Then after a couple of days of that, try moving a few inches away from her. Gradually work up to being able to leave her asleep on the bed so you can go and enjoy your evening. This would take a long time however. If you can get her attached to a comforter too that would help - put it between you and her when cuddling and you’re awake, eventually she’ll associate it with you.

Finally if you decide to wait it out a bit longer and carry on as you are, can you make sure you get some time away from your daughter during the day? I found breast feeding and co sleeping so difficult as I was with DS 24/7. I know lockdown makes it harder but if your partner can take your daughter out for a walk/drive/play so you get time to yourself that can help.

I’d second Lucy wolf! Less tears!

DD was like that. The bad news is that in her case nothing worked but to stay with her, the good news is that it doesn’t last forever.

Will your DD go to sleep with your partner? If yes, he needs to share the burden and do at least some of the hours in the late evening if not the entire night.

Have you tried a sling? This may help her sleep while you go around doing other things.

Can you take a tablet or phone with you while she is sleeping? At least you won’t be as bored!

I third Lucy Wolfe. Helped me stop co sleeping, albeit she didn’t have this specific positioning issue that you have and adds a complication. Really recommend the stay and support method though.

I cosleep too - I'd look at it as doing what your baby needs to sleep and you too- not something you should regret.
Are you able to work on moving your arm away from under her but stay lying there to get her used to that? That might be a gentle way to get slightly more space from her. I tend to go to bed later around 9pm so that I have some evening too. My baby also naps in the sling or the pram (I never manage to get loads done with the sling like some women - he was too big and awkward but it still frees you up a bit) maybe you could get your partner if available to take the baby out during the day so you can have a proper break then? A lot of mums suggest getting dad to do bedtime but I find my baby goes mad at that - but during the day is better and if it wasn't for this lockdown meaning I am working from home I'm sure my little one would have learnt to nap without me by now!

@Booboostwo How and at what age exactly did your little one finally transition out of your bed away from you and settle into there own space may I ask? I couldn’t imagine another 6 months of having to do this if I’m honest. I reckon I’ll of completely lost the plot by that stage as even though I’m co sleeping she still doesn’t sleep consistently and is still up 2/3 times per night so the co sleeping doesn’t even seem worth it anymore as I’m not exactly getting a decent nights rest.

It’s normally me who gets her off to sleep, but she will sleep when placed on my partner but doesn’t seem to settle as well so her wakings are more frequent.

You could teach her to go to sleep in her cot now.

It will involve crying. But it wouldn't involve you leaving her unconfirmed at all, you'd be there caring for her, being compassionate and helping her to learn every step on the way. And she is able to learn that now. It's just she will cry in doing it.

Uncomforted*