19 week old baby cries herself to sleep for naps : (

[TiredStepMum]

Hi all - looking for some advice and wisdom from anyone who has been through similar
My little one is 19 weeks - outside of nap time she is the happiest, most content baby and I’ve been really lucky
Although we’re going through a bit of a night time sleep regression it’s not posing as big a problem as her day naps
Basically she screams the minute I put her in the cot. I’ve tried putting her down before I think she’ll be tired, when I notice she’s expressing tired cues, at recommended ‘awake windows’ advised online and by well known programmes and even tried putting her down ‘late’ in case she’s not tired enough
I still feed her to sleep at night (which is successful) and used to do this during the day but was of little help as she would then wake up in the cot wondering how she’d got there and cry anyway
I spoke to a sleep consultant who recommended the, fairly standard I think, advice of going in every few minutes to reassure her until she ‘self settles’ but the bottom line is she doesn’t seem particularly reassured by this and if anything it seems to wind her up more. So essentially what happens is I go in and shhhhh/pat etc every few minutes until after around 20/25 minutes of crying when she falls asleep out of exhaustion
The sleep consultant says to persist and she’ll eventually just ‘get it’ but it’s been weeks and weeks and still doesn’t seem to be any less of a battle
I don’t want to go back to feeding to sleep as I go back to work in a few months and need her to be able to sleep without it and am going to have to tackle this issue anyway at bedtime once I’m on top of her day naps a bit more
I basically feel like I’m letting my baby cry herself to sleep for naps which most certainly was not the plan : (
We use the usual white noise, blackout etc
Has anyone come through the other side of something similar?

One of my babies would never ‘self settle’ and fall asleep in her cot either, it’s very normal! Personally I would stop letting her cry herself to sleep as it’s not nice for her or you. Will she nap in the pushchair? Don’t worry now about when you go back to work, a few months is a long time in the life of a baby and things could be very different by then! My dd napped on me until she was about 6 months (it was the only way she’d nap) then I found it started getting easier to gently put her in the cot once she dropped off. It didn’t work forever though, she went through phases of needing to nap on a person again and then a phase of only napping in the pushchair... I fed her to sleep every time when she was a baby and when I returned to work I thought there was no way she’d nap without me, but the person caring for her found their own way and it was fine! Try not to stress and just follow what she needs rather than focusing on how other babies nap or what a ‘sleep consultant’ says. Babies are all different, they’re not machines you can programme! Things change all the time as well so it won’t always be like this x

Yeah. My eldest couldn't be put down at all. Have you tried swaddling? I can't think of anything else

We had this baby hammock. But some people don't recommend them. But it was a life saver to us

The other thing. Have you considered reflux?

I think its too young for controlled crying tbh.
Are you following a very rigid plan?

Thanks for all your replies!
@Hoggleludo tried swaddling in the early days and she didn’t like it at all so probably a bit too late in the day now as she can nearly roll
@Branleuse not a rigid plan - I’d purchased the Little ones programme but found it too inflexible (although less of an issue in lockdown...) so now just go off tired cues/awake windows
I agree re: her age but not sure how do get her to nap otherwise as if I try contact napping @Confused866 she won’t nap for long enough and then is overtired at bedtime

She's 4 months, lower your expectations.
Shush, pat her to sleep/feed to sleep/ rock/ use a sling/ have a buggy walk/use a dummy/ lie with her.
Being determined she will self settle at a young age is just stressful for the both of you. Whoever looks after her when you return to work will find their own way of settling her.

Have you tried a dummy? Excellent no-cry independent sleep replacement for feeding to sleep.

I'm going to give you some good advice here.

Bin the books.
Bin the googling.
Bin the sleep consultants.
Go with your instinct.

I cuddled my DS to sleep until 18 months. Took 15 mins, waited until he was sound asleep, as then just popped him down.

Even most well known sleep consultants etc don't recommend any form of crying etc until at least 6 months.

Please, this will end up causing you stress and worry.

Just give your baby what you think they need

We had an Ewan the dream sheep! That was good. There’s others out there now

Ones where you can record your own heartbeat. You could also spray it with your perfume. Etc. Hug it in close to her.

I agree with lowering expectations. Neither of mine ever self settled. I always cuddled or fed mine to sleep. When they woke up alone they would also cry, understandably, they think they've been abandoned. I would go up and comfort them.
Eventually they both stopped as they knew I was nearby.
Who is looking after them when you return to work? You may find she is fine with others. My two would scream and cry unless I breastfed them to sleep, however with my mum or DH they were perfectly happy being cuddled. They know you have something better.

@RaspberryBubblegum

I totally agree.

DS would wake every 2 hours with me, but sleep 13 hours straight around my mums. Great. Fucking great.

I'm having a similar issue. Same age he feeds to sleep at night. But won't in the day or go down like normal. He suddenly needs a weird combination of rocking backwards and forwards whilst I gently bounce him up and down and pat his bottom. He is heavy! But he's my second and I just tell myself this will pass, as there are so many little phases. Some days he's OK now and some he still needs it. So Im. Hoping it is just the 4 month sleep regression. He would cry himself to sleep too until I discovered this weird rocking pat thing he likes.

Lots of great advice here thanks!
@FATEdestiny - a dummy refuser unfortunately! When I tried to introduce one I arrogantly thought she would take to it fine as she happily goes between bottles of expressed milk and breast but no!
@2007Millie
Im so sorry but your post made me laugh! These babies aren’t stupid are they! 😂
@RaspberryBubblegum it will hopefully be my parents for a few months (Covid 19 pending) then nursery - less concerned actually about nursery as I believe they work some voodoo magic with naps but my parents were supposed to be spending time with her now but obviously that’s not been possible
I guess my concern is I will be going back to a frontline clinical role with responsibility for patients so I do need to have a well rested baby
I don’t object to feeding to sleep but at night it takes 90 minutes on the boob for her both to feed and wind down into a really deep sleep - not sustainable when my night shifts will start at 8!
I do think it’s true that a few months can make a massive difference to a baby’s personality so I guess for now it’s best to take each day as it comes : )

It sometimes does take some effort to get baby to accept a dummy. Sometimes it takes a lot of effort. But worth it.

Dummy is the ultimate in no crying independent sleep.

You are getting to the cusp of it being too late to introduce a dummy. But worth a try imo.

Without a dummy, all methods of getting baby to go to sleep will involve some amount of crying unless you feed to sleep. It might be that baby always cries for a few minutes going to sleep. It might be baby cries for quite some time. It might be that baby initially cries a lot and over time cries less. But there will be crying so if you're after independent sleep from your baby, it might be worth adjusting your expectations so that you accept baby will cry.

@FATEdestiny just wondering about dummies and independent sleep - my DD has just started taking a dummy and it’s made such a difference. But she’s too little to replace it herself so from about 5am onwards I am replacing it a lot, as well as between sleep cycles at nap time if I want her to have a longer nap. It’s fine and a huge improvement on how things were, but just wondering if in your experience I’ll be forever replacing a dummy instead of the rocking etc.?

@TiredStepMum my DD wouldn’t take a dummy until she suddenly would a couple of weeks ago and she now just lies in my arms and drifts off to sleep for naps, and I can put her straight down. It might be worth checking again to see if she’ll take one (if you don’t mind replacing it that is!).

Dilly I wrote a post earlier on this thread about ways to help baby learn to reinsert their own dummy. They generally have the fine motor skills to do this from about 7-9 months old, so it's not something that you'll be doing forever if you work at it.

Early morning wake ups are as a result of there being low sleep pressure - their body clock is not saying "go to sleep" as much as it would at bedtime.

Any little thing wrong will wake baby when sleep pressure is low, so best ploy is to make sleep as easy as possible. An over tired baby (who didn't have very good naps the day before) is likely to wake when sleep pressure is low. Or a poorly baby, or a wet/dirty nappy may wake them when it wouldn't otherwise.

So for early wake ups, firstly sort out your daytime naps. Over-tiredness is likely the reason. Also, more obviously, amend bedtime. 10-12h night time sleep is usual at this age, with 11h being an average. So if you're aiming for 7am then bedtime wants to be 8pm, maybe even 9pm.

Finally, make morning wake up very consistent. As in, don't rejoice in baby staying in bed until the glory heights of 7am if 6am is the usual wake up time.

@FATEdestiny I actually saw your other post about dummies after I wrote that - thanks! I started using the dummy for her pram nap today after reading it.

DD was previously waking at 3, then 4 for a feed pretty reliably, but then she’d go back to sleep after that. However the wake up has gradually gotten later and later and she often wakes at five instead. When she does this, she doesn’t seem to be hungry as she will either have a very quick feed and go back to sleep, or will go back to sleep if I give her a cuddle and resettle her with the dummy. Having said that, it seems like quite light sleep to me and I tend to keep hold of her as I think she’d probably wake again if I put her back down.

Depending on her naps (I resettle her between sleep cycles for one or two naps depending on how the day is going on) we usually aim for bedtime around 7-7.30, if that means a 6am wake up that’s fine with me as I like having the evening to myself, but usually after that early wake up she does sleep until 7-7.30 but I don’t let her go past that.

With regards to the dummy, again, try and get your parents/partner/someone else to give it. My two would never ever take one from me but they were perfectly happy with my mum or DH 🙄 typical isn't it. They're easy for everyone apart from the one (mum) who needs the break! 😅

Mine doesn't sleep in his cot for naps, but feeds to sleep at night and doesn't wake at all. Day time naps however are a battle.

We have a rocking chair that vibrates and he falls asleep very quickly. We gave up on getting him to nap in his cot, just simply because he hates it! The chair has meant he has four one hours naps a day with no fuss.

I wouldn't be letting a 4 month old cry themselves to sleep. I cuddled my ds to sleep till he was about 18 months. He's now 2 and a half and goes to sleep great on his own. I just gradually started reducing the contact at bedtime and it's naturally made him drop the cuddling to sleep.

Only one of my 4 settled well in the cot at that age, but all ended up decent sleepers in time. For the others, I'd settle them in my arms, or in the sling or buggy. They all learnt to settle in a cot in time.
I also wouldn't worry too much about going back to work, children are amazing at learning at lightning speed how to sleep well for people who aren't their parents! It's good to for her to understand she doesnt need to feed to sleep before using a new carer, but it sounds like you've got that, and otherwise I wouldn't worry.

If you have a bit of time and patience, the No Cry Sleep Solution has gentle approaches that will take a bit longer but can work on babies who aren't well suited for crying it out - and will be kinder on you too.