Can my 4 month old learn to fall asleep by himself?

[S082018]

We are 3 weeks into the 4 month sleep regression and it’s become very obvious that my little one is dependent on being held/patted/rocked to sleep as he’s currently waking every 1.5-2hrs at night needing to be picked up to put back to sleep.
I’ve tried to soothe him whilst he’s still in the next to me crib but he just won’t settle and will often escalate. It probably doesn’t help that he’s teething at the same time too - poor thing.

I want him to eventually be able to put him down drowsy but awake and for him to fall asleep himself. How do I go about doing this? Is it too late? Is now the best time to help him learn this?

He’s also held for all 3 of his daytime naps too as this is the only way he has a nap longer than 40 minutes.

Do you have the same bedtime routine each night? My 5 month old resists naps during the day but at night he goes to sleep much better and I think the routine has something to do with it. We used to keep a lamp on but I find he sleeps better in the dark, the lamp just distracts him. I have also stopped giving him a dummy for night time sleep because often it would fall out and wake him up or he would wake in night looking for it. When he was younger I used to jump up at any noise or movement from his cot but now I usually wait and watch him for a few minutes. Often that is enough for him to settle himself then I kind of do a least first approach, only picking him up if really needed. Its difficult tho cause I know if I pick him up I can get him back to sleep quicker. Some nights are great, some aren't. Doesn't seem to be much pattern to it.

Drowsy but awake is very very hard when they're that little; they might go down but IME not for long. Your baby is still tiny, mine is 14 months and only in he last 8 weeks or so has he gone down drowsy but awake. All babies are different though!!

Try a dummy

@SuziGeo yes we have the same routine every night! I'll be honest I haven't ignored it probably as long as I should do so maybe I will try that a bit more. Perhaps I intervene too soon before giving him a better chance at trying to nod off again himself. It's just so hard as I can see he's tired and wants to sleep!

@turnthebiglightoff thanks for this. Maybe I have too high expectations. I just feel that he's become so dependant on needing me to help him sleep.

@FATEdestiny we use a dummy. It works for a brief time but he continues to fidget and be restless, thrashing his head from side to side and the dummy just falls out!

Feel for you OP. The 4 month sleep regression was really tough for us too. That’s when we started implementing measures to help DS fall asleep on his own. Try a few different things but what worked for us was playing white noise (non stop for the whole sleep) and we gave baby a comforter to sleep with. It’s still the best thing I’ve ever bought and he sleeps with it every night and for naps (now 13 months).

We did what you’re doing now and held him for naps and he woke every 1-2 hours during the night for around 2-3 weeks but stopped after a couple days of using white noise and the comforter. I actually think he didn’t want us to hold him but needed something.

We also started using sleeping bags and moved him to his cot around the same time and he was able to settle himself.

@Temple29 thanks for your response. I already use white noise all night long! I have done since day one. How did you introduce a comforter? That sounds like a good idea.

I want him to eventually be able to put him down drowsy but awake and for him to fall asleep himself. How do I go about doing this? Is it too late? Is now the best time to help him learn this?

The key - the single biggest factor in this - is that baby goes to sleep where they stay asleep. So don't move baby once asleep to somewhere else.

Tackling daytime naps, to avoid over-tiredness is the best place to start. Do you have a bouncy chair? If not, get one. Just a cheapy is fine, something you can sit and bounce with your foot while you're sitting on the sofa.

So - baby goes to sleep where he stays asleep - in bouncy chair. With dummy and naps are very, very frequent. The idea is to get as much sleep as possible so that by aged about 6-9 months you have good sleep routines in place ready to move to cot daytime naps.

Make daytime sleep as easy as possible.

A general guide is double the amount of awake time as sleep time, at a maximum. So if baby last had 40m sleep then awake time no more than 80m. It's likely that you might want to start the settling to sleep process at around 60m awake for example.

So baby wakes ~ note the time ~ then feed baby a new bottle (Or breastfeed). Burp, nappy check and put on floor to play. Now is awake time, no dummy use. At the first grumble, pick up and sooth and back down on floor to play. If another grumble - it's sleep time. If no grumble watch the clock for your awake time window (approx double last sleep time). Reoffer what's left in the bottle (Or top up breastfeed) and straight into bouncy chair.

Nap time:
Into bouncy chair. Bouncer at your feet, you on sofa with TV remote, phone and cuppa. Consistent tempo of bouncing with your foot, rhythmic and not too forceful. Keep on going. Reinsert dummy whenever needed and be complete relentlessness. Just keep going until asleep and do not stop or give up.

As eyes go, slow down bouncing. But stay there on sofa and watch baby. Because next important factor: resettle baby back to sleep as much as possible.

First sign baby is moving from deep to light sleep is face screwing up. Try to catch this - it's before waking properly, before any sound and before eyes open. At this point reinsert dummy and tap outside to encourage sucking reflex. Restart bouncing, gently at first.

It won't always work yo resettle bit sometimes it will. Always try. If not resetting then wake and go back to where you were before:

Wake - note time - feed - burp - floor time - watch for awake time window - top up feed - nap.... repeat, repeat, repeat all day long, every day.

To introduce a comforter we literally just put him down in his cot and gave it to him to hold and he would rub it on his face until he fell asleep. The one we have has an elephant head which worked out well because he would suck the trunk too when his soother wasn’t there! Not that he ever loved the soother anyway.

And I agree with what the PP said about baby needing to fall asleep where they will wake up so if they fall asleep in your arms they want that back when they wake. For us the comforter became what DS looks for when he wakes and uses it to put himself back to sleep.

Best of luck, it won’t last forever x

I want him to eventually be able to put him down drowsy but awake and for him to fall asleep himself. How do I go about doing this? Is it too late? Is now the best time to help him learn this?

At bedtime, still the most important factor is baby goes to sleep where he stays asleep. This will be the cot at bedtime and baby should be fully awake when going in to settle.

Flaying arms sounds like it's a problem from your posts, this isn't unusual.

I'd suggest holding babies two hands in one of yours as baby goes to sleep. I'd do this while lying on my bed next to the cot.

(Did you know you can take 1 side off your cot yo make a sidecar cot - it makes in-cot settling much, much easier)

It is really just a case of being there to comfort, but waiting and being patient.

Hold babies arms in one hand, this gives your reassuring touch. Lots of eye contact. Better still have your face next to babies so he can feel your breath on his cheek (easier with sidecar cot). Reinsert dummy whenever needed and tap on the outside of the dummy to encourage sucking.

Then just wait. Be really patient, stay right through until baby is fully asleep. Until 6 months old you should be staying in there all the time baby sleeps anyway.

Over time, start to remove your hand as baby settles. Put it back if settling is needed, but remove your hand when calm and instead just stay nearby for reassurance.

One thing I will say. If you use a comforter, make sure you have more than 1 and rotate them so they'll all accepted! Makes it much easier if you lose one later on!!!

If you use a comforter, make sure you have more than 1

Funny story.

We bought DD (4th child) 2 blankies for exactly this reason. Only the problem is - she decided she needed both in order to be comforted.

Then one day, she lost one. It's ok we said, you have the other. Oh no! She absolutely must have two. So... we went out and bought a new one.

All fine again. Then... we found the lost one.

She is 5 now. And she carries around three blankies at bedtime - Because she wants them all!

We had this great idea to buy multiples (and ones we knew we could replace). But actually it created mire hassle than it was worth!

Thank you so much @FATEdestiny for your super detailed responses. I totally understand the concept of having the baby fall asleep where he stays asleep. I just don't feel like he's ready for that jump yet so how can I gradually get him used to this idea? Or is it a matter of just biting the bullet and being consistent with it?

At the moment he is falling asleep in my arms and I have to keep him in my arms until past the 40 minute stage as he wakes after this time. I put him back to sleep then put him down and then he will stay down for approx 2-3 hours before the waking begins.

@Temple29 I have introduced a comforter tonight so let's see how it goes! Not sure he's 100% into it but it may just take some getting used to!

Hi OP, I also cuddled and rocked my first son to sleep and ended up with exactly the problems you describe. Now I have twins and I knew I just could not have that happening again with two. And of course I can't physically rock two of them at a time.

Now what I do is sit and cuddle until very drowsy, with white noise, dummy in and comforter near their face. As soon as eyes start closing, place gently in the cot with shushing and patting. The comforter keeps the dummy in place for a minute or two as they fuss. I watch their wake times carefully - at 19 weeks adjusted it is about 2 hrs from waking to next nap beginning. And I have been AMAZED how much easier they go down. Not every time and of course it helped that I started this at 3 months old, but 90% of the time that is all it takes. Their eyes flick open but they're tired so they self-settle. They often connect sleep cycles. It's been transformational.

I really recommend the Precious Little Sleep website for more info on the 4 month regression and tools to cope with it. Good luck!

@lifesnotaspectatorsport thank you for this. How long did your little one adjust to this?

I'll check out the website too thank you so much!

I’m in the same situation! However my LO can soothe himself for naps in the day - although normally wakes after an hour - but cannot soothe himself at night! At all! We have changed the bed time but that doesn’t help.

We have to rock him to sleep or feed him to sleep. He will now only let me rock him to sleep which is getting exhausting! Any tips?

@S082018 I started doing it from about 14 weeks when the twins stopped immediately falling asleep after a feed. Initially it was easy as they were still quite dozy but became very challenging during the sleep regression. I focused on bedtime and first nap as drive to sleep is highest and winged the other naps a bit. Now they are (touch wood) emerging from the sleep regression and it's become easier to get them to self-settle. At bedtime today they went in the cots awake and settled themselves to sleep with dummy and comforter, me sitting nearby and just going over once or twice to reinsert dummy or shush/ pat. They're 19 weeks now so I guess we've been at this about 6 weeks.

@E899 If they can settle at naptime which is usually harder, my suggestion would be they aren't tired enough at bedtime. Schedule may need fixing?

Thanks @lifesnotaspectatorsport will try a bit later and see. Do you remove the comforter once they’re asleep?

@E899 I personally don't remove it, I just move it away from their face and put it at their side. I know the advice is to have nothing in the cot but mine are strong now and there's plenty of space around them.

On the schedule they can generally stay awake longer as the day goes on. Mine do roughly 2h /2h15/ 2h30 now with last being a catnap. I also don't let them sleep in the 2hrs before bed. Obviously you need to adjust for age.

Similar situation here OP, although mine is a bit younger (3.5 months) so I'm not sure we are in full sleep regression territory yet but I think we are heading that way. We are getting more frequent wake ups although not yet every 2 hours.

Similar situation with daytime naps too, I often have to put her in the sling to get her to sleep.

I'm already using all the tricks I know - dummy, swaddle, pitch black room, white noise, making sure she gets enough but not too much daytime sleep. I do try and settle her in the crib whenever I can but sometimes it just doesn't work and I have to rock her.

So no advice, but solidarity! It does seem to depend on the baby to a certain extent as my eldest self settled (with a dummy) from 12 weeks. I didn't do anything different with her, in fact I did less as I didn't bother with the white noise or pitch black room!

Good luck

@sunlightflower our sleep regression started at 3.5 months so you may well be there! Things have definitely settled down for us over the past few nights which is nice. My little one is still waking up every few hours but there have been odd occasions I have been able to settle him without picking him up which is positive. Doesn't work all of the time though. And I'm still holding him for naps. My thinking is to tackle night time sleep first and then gradually getting him used to being put down for naps...hopefully 😊

It's reassuring to know that there are others in the same situation! It's exhausting isn't it? But you're very right, it really does depend on the baby. I envy those that have babies that are good sleepers!