Lazy partner!

[someblonde]

My beautiful boy was only born 9 days ago and already I want to throttle my partner.

I'm doing all the night feeds, all the organising, most of the cleaning (I have ocd so can't be helped), all the nice things like changing the bedding so we sleep in a clean bed, organising food shops, putting things back where they belong, putting fresh towels out, everything for our baby, sorting bills, paperwork, diy at home, the list goes on and the lazy sod is barely lifting a finger, sleeps through the night and doesn't even think to offer to do the breakfast feed at 7am so I can get a few hours straight through without being disturbed then has the cheek to yawn and say how tired he is when he's had 9 hours uninterrupted sleep!!

Overall he's amazing, and he has a heart of gold but he's so blissfully unaware of how tired, emotional, drained I'm getting (not that I'd change it, my boy is the best thing to ever happen to me) but a little bit of common sense wouldn't go amiss so I can maybe have a nap in the day, or just lay down for 5 minutes. I feel like I have a teenager in the house that I'm having to boss around to get him to do anything! And I definitely have to ask him at least 3 or 4 times to do that! AND whenever he does have our son, he's always on his mobile as if his newborn isn't interesting enough! Then our baby gets unsettled and I have to take him off him cos all he wants is me! It's now getting to the point where I'm doubting his abilities as he's not really done much with our son, and now feel like I'd sleep with one eye open even if he did do the night feeds!

I think maybe because I've always just cracked on, he doesn't realise the amount of work I put into the house and our family but I'm worried he's going to miss out on a bond with our boy for his own ignorance and part laziness! Only here to rant so don't need sympathy or anything, just wanted to vent before I explode

Ps I did speak to him about it yesterday and it seemed to have fell on deaf ears (although I did see him ordering me a beautiful gift as a push pressie) and this morning I'm downstairs feeding, cleaning up, sorting today's clothes, bottles, plans whilst he's having a 10 hour dump! Men eh?!

Oh and also when I do ask him to do something, it infuriates the life out of me when he clearly hasn't listened properly and only does half a job!!

You need to have a strong word with him to remind him that he too chose to have a child. Also he's not amazing if he's refusing to do the most basic tasks required to look after a small baby. You've just pushed a human out, you should not be expected to do EVERYTHING. I know it must be hard to not clean but that should really be put on the back burner for now, you don't want to burn yourself out. Was he this lazy before you had a baby?

If you just stopped doing it all would he pick it up? I know it’s difficult with your OCD but maybe he thinks you’re just doing it all and you’re fine (obviously that doesn’t really wash as you’ve spoken to him!).

I would note down everything that needs doing and tell him what you expect, I know you shouldn’t have to do that but it may help. Did you split jobs before the baby was born?

It sounds like you’re doing amazingly OP and he needs a kick up the arse!!

I think the problem started a while ago because I'm a self admitting control freak, and reallllly struggle to pass the baton on as I don't think anyone would do a good a job as me. I think after years of me doing that, he's just settled into it unintentionally. I guess he can't win, as if he did it, I'd probably be silently judging or trying to 'help' ie take over but then he doesn't do it, and I'm annoyed because he doesn't help! I think what I'd appreciate most is just the offer to help, I enjoy the cleaning and organising and I was made to be a mum but maybe if he just offered that might make me feel a bit more appreciated if you know what I mean? Or even better if he asked me to show him how to do something so he can do that in the future? I may be expecting too much here it's entirely my fault he's like it, I have created a man child by being controlling and having a need to take care of people and the house. Old school women I think I am!

I'm such a busy body, an hour after giving birth (with no pain relief either and a second degree tear - ouch!!!!) I was in the shower at the hospital, and packing my hospital bag to go home with my baby! We were home 6 hours later eating pizza and putting a wash in!

You need to let go a little bit because doing everything on your own is unsustainable, particularly if you have a baby that is difficult or a poor sleeper. DH and I have always done things equally since birth.
He doesn’t do things how I would do them and probably vice versa but I just suck it up because as long as DS is fed, clean, sleeps and is happy then it’s totally fine.
As time goes on, it is so much easier to have a second person who just knows what they’re doing and cracks on.
The one key thing that we discussed and agreed was sleep routines / what to do when DS woke up in the night etc as you have to be consistent with that sort of thing.
DS is 1 and this morning DH got up with him at 6.30, nappy change, they played, had breakfast, played some more and I got up when he put him down for a nap at 9. It’s great for mental health to be able to have a break.

Okay so today I'm going to lose it with him. Last night he annoyed me so much I could have thumped him. I make my caddies each day for Up and downstairs, but forgot yesterday because I'm 12 days into solo night feeding plus doing everything else. The little one wet through his nappy but I didn't have my usual to hand stash of clothes so the pig next to me threw the bedding off himself, stormed out the room and went to fetch one but with the attitude of a 14 year old boy asked to do something he hates so much, all because he'd had his 10 hour sleep disturbed one time. I was absolutely raging mad and had a right go when he came in then he went back to sleep and I was so emotional! His behaviour and resentment towards me and doing something for his son just absolutely made me have a meltdown. I'd had all these dreams and hopes of our perfect family but he's so selfish, who behaves like that when it's something for your child? I am disgusted!

Then I've come downstairs this morning with my boy to get his breakfast feed, because after dropping hints the pig wasn't getting up and getting it for us, his phone was too important, I've gone to let the dogs out, they have the squits all in the utility room which they then ran through and kicked up my legs, so I had to strip to my pants and make a super quick bottle for my little one who was having an almighty meltdown in the front room, all whilst little lord fontelroy upstairs is still in bed, chilling on his mobile!!

It's funny, everyone says having a baby is hard work - my baby is perfect, nothing he does can stress me out but other people/pets/crap attitude - that's what's stressing me out! People are selfish and self centred! Now I definitely don't trust him to do anything unsupervised for our son, as if I catch him with an attitude around him then my crazy side will for sure come out and I'll end up sending him back to his mothers! (We've been together nearly 4 years and own our home together but I'm doing everything alone as it is, all he's doing for me is cooking meals twice a day which frankly, I could do myself!!)

You need to sit back and do nothing but recover and rest. You cannot carry on like this.

The phone is a problem for a lot of people. I wish smartphones had never been invented, sometimes. He’s just not connected to the baby. Hand the baby over, and see what happens.

Men are not like this. The man you are with is like this. My husband is not like this,. I’m 37 years old with older parents and my Dad did his share of over night feeds, brought my Mum a cup of tea in bed every day and did cleaning at the weekends. There is nothing that suggests he is remotely nearing average never mind amazing. Have you always done everything in the house?

You will get more advice is you get this moved to relationships as the issue is with your partner not your baby. Things need to change as at the moment you are running on adrenaline and this can’t last. If he continues he continues like this then this is how your child will behave and you will be setting him up for a life of failed relationships or a sharp shock.

He need to change and quickly. Sit down with him and get him to write down a list of jobs which need doing daily, weekly, monthly. Use a shared app like Basecamp and tell him he must do his fair share and more.

Overall I don't feel overwhelmed at all, or stressed. I feel like I was made to be a mum and doing everything for my son is fine by me. I'm just beyond annoyed at his attitude towards us, as if he's bad done too. In fact I'm so angry I cannot even look at his stupid face this morning. He knows I'm livid; he's come downstairs and started to hoover the kitchen (which I did last night before bed so it doesn't need doing again) - but I shall let him continue and make his way into the utility room where there's literally dog poo up the walls for him to tidy up and bleach, which is the least he deserves but can't think of a job better suited to his attitude right now!

You say, doing everything for my son is fine by me. Your partner is picking up on that. Have you allowed him to take care of the baby? If you’re taking sole care of your son, then you can’t expect him to suddenly step in for a feed etc...
However, do hand all housework over to him. No hints, just list out what needs to be done. You’re very emotional at the moment, also acknowledge your own needs, it’s less than two weeks post-birth. A new reality for both of you (or the three of you!). Do hand him the baby!