I have not slept longer than 4 hours at a time in 15 MONTHS...please help me!

[SleeplessMamazzz]

So my baby has always been a pretty poor sleeper. At around 6 months I felt like I was onto something...put her to bed sleepy, she would fall asleep alone, and I would dream-feed her twice. Then, she started to wake up on her own for the dreamfeeds at those times since she had been programmed. So I would feed her when she woke up. Then we traveled for several weeks and she was back to waking 3-4 times a night. My husband and I travel a TON and I fully blame that for the fact that now, at 15 months my baby still wakes up 2-10 times a night and will only fall asleep by breastfeeding. We are currently stuck at my parents house for 3 months so I don't like to do sleep training away from home, but we haven't been in our home for 4 months already so it will be foreign to her when we come back regardless...So a week ago we tried the cry-it-out method. I was totally prepared to let her cry, and I sat outside her door the whole time and checked in in intervals like prescribed. She is a baby that vomits very easily when upset, she coughs when she cries and it makes her throw up everything in her tummy. This happens when she falls and gets hurt, scared, anything. Also when I refuse to breastfeed her for the upteenth time in the night. So after about 30 minutes of screaming I thought I was past the vomit danger zone, she was wearing herself out, although panicked, totally drenched in sweat and desperate. Then she projectile vomited all over everything. I cleaned her up, bathed her, and we had to hose down her travel bed, so she slept with me in bed for the night. I am at a total loss. I know she will vomit again if we try, plus every since then when we wakes in the night she screams rather than just babbling until I came in like before. I have not slept more than 4 hours at a time since she was born and my mental health is in the dirt. PLEASE HELP ME. I am afraid by now she knows how to manipulate us a bit to get what she wants, but vomiting is really the trump card....Thanks so much in advance for your help.

I don't think she's trying to manipulate you. I think you have missed the baby sleep training window (which I think is 6-9 months) and you are too early to explain stuff to her (18 months +, depending on language skills). I'd go with either co-sleeping to get some sleep for you or try to gently wean off feeding to sleep (but hard if you are exhausted). Do you have a partner or another adult with you? for exhaustion, my first used to wake every 40 minutes and I thought I would die from tiredness x

@TooMinty Thanks for your response. My husband is great and is happy to help, but she screams her head off if he goes into her room instead of me, and she immediately starts her desperate cry where it sounds like she's about to throw up. The only benefit to that is that when I come is she is immediately relieved and will fall asleep in my arms without trouble, but of course that doesn't really solve the problem. When we co-sleep all three of us get very little and very light sleep, while she likes the closeness, she likes stretching out a bunch too, which there just isn't space for. I think our best option is to try to to make her bed here (a travel bed in a make-shift guest room) as cozy and comfortable as possible so that she feels comfortable being in there alone before she falls asleep, but for now as soon as she is in there she is upset...I am pretty sure a big part of that is from our fail cry-it-out evening. How old is your baby now? Did they just grow out of waking up so often, or did you do sleep training?

My daughter woke every 2-4 hours until she was about 16 months.

It could be coincidence but I had to give up breastfeeding at that point for my sanity and within the week she was sleeping 6-8 hour stretches so I think it was habit more than anything else!

Neither of mine have ever done the 10-12 hour thing, they just don't seem to need much sleep even now at 7 and 14.

I am afraid by now she knows how to manipulate us a bit to get what she wants, but vomiting is really the trump card

Seriously? Get a grip of yourself! With all due respect she's a baby. Have some bloody empathy and comfort her when she needs you

@rottiemum88
That's not a helpful comment at all! In fact, bloody rude

@rottiemum88 Please be understanding that I am getting all kinds of input from every direction telling me this and that and I am clearly none the wiser and still exhausted after it all. It is easy to tell me to get a grip and comfort her from wherever you are, most likely not running on 15 months of 4-6 hours of sleep a night in 20-60 minute bursts. I love my daughter more than anything in this world and I comfort her every time she needs me---I am afraid however that me coming to her every cry in the night is a result of being stuck in a bad habit, one which leads to both an exhausted mama and baby. She needs long stretches of sleep just as much as I do.

Telling mums who come on here to get parenting advice to 'get a grip' is very low!

@UsernameNotValid Thanks for your response, I also am holding out hope that weaning will be helpful, and that once we get over the initial nights of her being upset that I don't breastfeed her, she will be less inclined to cry for me when the result is not as exciting anymore. However I am going to wait for another 2 months to wean, mainly because we have a 14-hour flight back home in 2 months, and breastfeeding is the ticket to her comfortably sleeping the whole trip...also with jetlag and everything once we arrive, breastfeeding her is a good way to comfort her and make her feel secure with so much change.

Panicked, totally drenched in sweat and desperate

This is not okay, OP.

Also "I am afraid by now she knows how to manipulate us a bit" is me starting to believe what all these posts online say if you haven't managed to get your baby to sleep by 15 months. There's a lot of conflicting views on sleep training out there, but an exhausted mama doesn't know what to believe...that's why I am coming to other moms for help.

@RoLaren Wow I can't believe the lack of understanding here. That is of course why we did not continue with the cry it out method. That was after 30 minutes of me checking on her constantly, sitting outside her door and watching her, stroking her hair, singing and shushing, anything I could do to comfort her. She has only ever learned to fall asleep by being on the breast and she freaks out if I don't give that to her (even though I breastfed her half an hour earlier), and that is my fault, but now I am trying to fix it. That method may work for many but it didn't work for us.

Just wanted to drop by and say that I feel your pain! My DS is also a champion sicker when upset and it meant that he really had me over a barrel with his sleep. When younger he was a skinny little thing so I was always terrified of his sicking up food that I actually managed to get down him.

I have no real advice but I will say that after crying to my doctor because I never got more than an hour sleep at a time, she actually recommended Co sleeping. We eventually put him in a single bed butted up against our bed and once his sleep settled down have slowly moved him away.

OK, she's not ready. You're ready for her to sleep through, but she's not there yet.

I'm the first instance, I'd try and get some sleep at other times. Sounds like there are other adults. So if try sleeping in the day. Get your dp to take the baby as early as possible. At that age, my non sleeper would be up at 430/5 for a bf but wouldn't need another until after lunch. So I could sleep 6 to 1 if I needed to. If that's possible do it. You can't think or function when you're that tired, so you need to sleep yourself before you tackle this.

In terms of tackling the baby's sleep there's not much you can do other than ensure that she's getting enough sleep during the day (I know how mad this sounds, but I am a firm believer in sleep begatting sleep), that the room is comfortable, including cot/bed/temperature and keeping things down low. So if she wakes, get to her quickly. Don't change the lighting, make it obvious it's nighttime. And try and get the waking down to as few minutes as possible before she's back to sleep.

She will grow out of it without you doing anything, but the issue is that can take a really long time sometimes. So minimise the impact is my best advice.

It's awful and it's no wonder sleep deprivation is a form of torture.

Can you get a real cot with a drop down side and pull it right up to your bed?

I did sleep training but he was younger and we had another room for him to sleep in and he didn't get so worked up (no sweating or vomiting, just tired whinging). I fed him til he fell asleep, then woke him up (I know,seems bonkers!) then put him down with a blanket comforter to cuddle. Sometimes he went straight to sleep, sometimes complained for up to 20 minutes first. But going to sleep by himself made a huge difference, straight away he went from 40 minutes to waking once at 3am for a proper feed. Then sleeping til 7.

@DonLewis Thank you for your response. Sometimes just knowing it will get better with time is the most comforting thing. Unfortunately I will be working full time when we return home in 2 months, but my partner is helpful in letting me sleep another hour or so once she's up for the day for now. I guess every baby is different and I can't follow some generalized time-line of when babies "should" be sleeping through the night or in long stretches. Thanks again for your understanding response.

Why don’t you cosleep? If you’re always travelling and she’s not had a chance to attach to somewhere other than you then give her the comfort and security you can and have her in with you. You can feed while you’re pretty much asleep and even if you stir it’s a lot easier than getting up as often as you are now.

She’s definitely not manipulating you so let go of that. She’s unsettled and needs you to feel safe and secure. I’m afraid if you’ve let her cry it out then you haven’t always gone to her or comforted her and having been allowed to get so incredibly distressed she’s now scared when she wakes and cries rather than babbles you need to get back to closeness and creating some security.

I agree that letting it get that far isn’t okay. You hopefully wouldn’t let her get that upset during the daytime so I can’t understand why you’re prepared to do it just because it’s nighttime.

I get that you’re exhausted and it’s very tough for you right now but she’s a baby. She’s entirely reliant on you and she’s now terrified of not finding you there when she needs you. If you woke from a bad dream and reached for your husband how would you feel if he sat outside the door listening to you in distress? Would you just start to get over it and go back to sleep or would you call for him because you know a hug would make you feel better?

As annoying as you may find cleaning up sick and sweat, she’s tiny and probably got a sore tummy and is thirsty and exhausted and, as you say, pretty desperate.

Hey, you're welcome. I thoughti was gki g to lose my mind at about this stage.

Can you get some sleep in now, before you're back at work? Honestly, it makes a huge difference. It feels like you're neglecting everything at first, to sleep till lunchtime, but you're not. You're awake half the night. You need it. That's definitely the first thing to do in my opinion. A week of some decent sleep and you'll feel so much better.

Have you tried the gradual retreat method?

www.motherandbaby.co.uk/baby-and-toddler/baby/baby-sleep-problems-solved/get-a-full-night-s-sleep-in-just-10-days

DS was completely different to your LO (bottle fed and slept 4-5 hours at a time) but we found this method useful for when he had separation anxiety. If your DD is getting this worked up, it might not be just about a feed.

Hello op. I’ve been in a similar position. Twice I have nightweaned at about 15 months because I was exhausted from all the night feeding and was working full time. I thought I might have a breakdown and people who’ve not had long term sleep deprivation don’t get it.

Anyway the key step for us was settling for the night without falling asleep at the breast. I’m not clear whether she currently does but if so I would start here. It went down badly but we did a sort of camp it out gradually retreat thing. So baby fed and in cot. Baby not left on own at any point - works for many but hated the idea of doing it. Baby comforted through bars, stroked, picked up if very upset but no more feeding despite bitter complaints and tears. After a few night the message had sunk in and children accepted going into cot awake.

Once that was settled we cut out my night feeding. DH went in with a bottle of milk which would be angrily rejected. Even expressed milk was not acceptable. But that was reassuring that it wasn’t true hunger. And after a couple of nights the children started to sleep through. Not every time but we were consistent that the all night milk bar was now closed.

I had one of these. The only way anyone got any sleep was by letting her sleep in bed with me. I am the least likely person to do this you have ever met. I’m claustrophobic and not cuddly. Solved that by basically making the smallest room into one big bed (double and single mattresses on the floor, nothing else in there). It could cope with any combination of adults and children and if I slept next to her I would have room to shuffle over and a bit of space, no worrying about her falling out" those days are a blur now but I know she was weaned by 2, but she got worse when she was weaned. She had no off switch.

She slept through for the first time around 4 and reliably by 6 but still has bad nights. The silver lining is I know I didn’t do anything to cause the problem because she was dc3 and I’d successfully night parented the other two in much more normal timescales.

With babies it's all about need. She needs you to help her sleep. I say this as someone else who hasn't slept longer than a couple of hours for nearly 2 years. DD is currently asleep next to me in bed. She sleeps better when I am near her and helps herself to breastfeeds.
Don't believe the hype that babies sleep through and anything else is manipulation.
Don't look at it as stretches of night upon night of not sleeping. When the next day comes wipe the previous night clean. Eventually both yours and my DD will sleep through, it took about 3.5 years for one of my DC.

To add, whilst I didn’t fill time bed share and I wouldnt describe myself as an “attachment parent”, I found this article useful
www.drjaygordon.com/blog-detail/sleep-changing-patterns-in-the-family-bed

Also fuck just getting an hour in bed. If you and several other adults available to help you need to get their help to get a decent amount of sleep. Also getting some good long naps on for a few days will make you feel better places to challenge the nighttime changes.

I would go cold turkey with the breast feeding as she's 15 months. You'll have some rough nights but she should be past it in less than a week. She cries, is sick etc. Get up, comfort her silently (pat her back, hold hand) clean her up if needed and leave the room. Repeat as often as needed, but no feeding. You will have cracked it within a few days, promise!

This sounds like a terrible situation, really sorry you're dealing with it. DD is 16months and still breastfed to sleep for naps and nighttime. I have also not slept more than 4 hours since she was born (with the exception of a single night's business trip which was my best memory of 2019 ). Luckily she doesn't wake up that frequently so I find I can function fairly well on 2x 3-4hrs sleep. 3x 1-2hrs is where my sanity starts to slip. I couldn't bring myself to sleep train her because the one time I tried she cried until she was sick and it broke my heart.

I found that a few daytime factors help. She began sleeping noticeably longer after we transitioned to 3 meals a day so I make sure she always has a good dinner (18:00) followed by warm bath and BF before bed (19:00). If she has an exciting day then she also tends to skip one of the night wake-ups. I got a GroFriend which I play during BF so she associates the music with being sleepy. It reactivates with sound and starts again if she wakes up and shouts. I think it helped her learn how to settle herself back to sleep and reduced the number of night wakings. I keep it inside a cupboard next to her bed so the music is muffled. Didn't want to keep it in the cot in case the nightlight function or louder volume wakes her up more.

Hope this helps and hang in there! I console myself with the fact that no adult wakes up every 2 hrs and needs someone there to fall asleep. She's still so tiny and this is only 2-3 years of my life. I have the rest of my life to sleep and I will never take an undisturbed 5 hours for granted ever again.

@AnneLovesGilbert Thanks for your message, I think you are right. Most nights she seems okay to stay in her bed and will just wake up twice to feed, others she just really wants to cuddle, so those nights i'll just keep her in bed with us if she wakes up less than an hour after being fed.