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Original poster

Co sleeping and pressure from work

12 replies

Honeyjo87 · 07/05/2020 11:33

Hi, My little one is 2.5 years old.. She Co sleep with me, a decision myself and my husband took even before she was born. She was in her cot till she was 1.5 years old, as I thought its safer for her. then she started to wake up and wouldn't settle till I wake up and comfort her. We both work full time, it started to affect my sleep, so I brought her to our bed and she's been sleeping well with me since. Now my manager and a couple of colleagues are pushing me to get her to sleep independently, which myself and my husband doesn't want to. We had many fights regarding this. The reason is that I have to do Oncall, so when I wake up when someone rings and she wakes up when she can't feel me next to her.. I mentioned this to my manager and shes is pushing me a lot since then. Now I'm feeling conflicted with my parenting and work situation. Am I in the wrong? I want her to sleep with me as long as she wants. I have bad anxiety and have been diagnosed with depression. My manager and colleagues had made it out like I'm a bad parent. I'm feeling really bad, but I want to be with my little one when she needs me. Plus my husband wouldn't help as she wouldn't settle with him and will cry till I go and pick her up. I just want some reassurance from mum friends here, that am I wrong? Is it OK if she sleeps with me?

OP posts:
DowntonCrabby · 07/05/2020 11:35

Stop telling work anything about your home situation or parenting choices. It’s literally none of their business.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/05/2020 11:35

Your manager only has a say if it is affecting your performance in your role.

Other than that I can't see why it's anyone's business, why they know, or why they care.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 07/05/2020 11:41

Plenty of perfectly good parents cosleep. Across the world and through history, it's the norm and independent rooms is the exception (though separately is fine too!).
Normally this should be absolutely none of your colleagues' business - however I can see it's a bit different for you. Is the issue that it's actually affecting your ability to do your job if she's awake and you are being paid to be on call? If so, you might have to get her used to sometimes sleeping independently or with your DH. She's old enough that it can be managed - the No Cry Toddler Sleep Solution is good, it takes a bit more time than harsher methods but sounds like it might suit you better.

If it doesn't affect your work, then tell them as professionally as you can that it's none of their business! There's plenty of research to say that cosleeping, when it works for families, is beneficial - and these lovely snuggles don't last forever. You're doing a great job.

Have you got other support for your depression? Working and looking after a toddler in the middle of a pandemic isn't easy even without mental health issues in the mix, it can be worth speaking to your HV or GP if you need support, or being really open with your husband if he doesn't know how much you are struggling. Flowers

Dialdownthedrama · 07/05/2020 11:45

If it effects your work performance then they can say something. If it doesn't its none of their business. Your OP isn't v.clear on what the issue is.

fuckinghellthisshit · 07/05/2020 11:46

If being on call is part of your duties and you cannot fulfil this due to co sleeping you need to decide whether the job or the sleeping arrangement is more important to you. Your DH could also co sleep so you share the responsibility. If your work is unaffected I'd stop discussing anything at work and tell them it is non of their business.

inwood · 07/05/2020 11:47

I don't really understand the issue with but what on earth has it got to do with your employer?

moveandmove · 07/05/2020 11:51

I'm confused. Are you saying you can't be on call for work because of your child?

Original poster
Honeyjo87 · 07/05/2020 12:41

Thank you for your kind responses. Just to say - Cosleeping has never affected my work performance in any way. Oncall is part of my job.. The reason I'm worried about Oncall is that I sleep bad on those days, waking up multiple times thinking that I missed the calls, and anxious and teary if I couldn't resolve the issue. I mentioned this to my manager, they know my daughter cosleep with me, so they think it's this issue.

OP posts:
iMatter · 07/05/2020 13:01

Why did you tell your manager?

She might think you were telling her about your problems sleeping because you don't want to be on call anymore.

Pinkblueberry · 07/05/2020 13:19

I’m a bit confused about the on call situation - in your OP it sounds like being on call and co-sleeping isn’t really working, but then you say your performance is not affected. It sounds like perhaps you’ve described things in this kind of way to your boss and they (like me) thought that you’re not coping with being on call because your DD is in the bed and you don’t want to wake her.
If that’s not the case - your colleague and management can’t actually check, so I would just fib to get them off my back. It was never their business in the first place and you shouldn’t have mentioned it.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong at all with co-sleeping, but would have to be honest and say it can’t be used as an excuse to not get on with work that you are paid to do. I think perhaps your boss took what you said in this way which is why they are getting over involved.

SomeoneElseEntirelyNow · 08/05/2020 09:55

I think the real problem here is absolutely nothing to do with cosleeping and everything to do with your anxiety making it hard for you to do your job. Are you getting any help? Medication, therapy?

Also, stop discussing your parenting with your boss. Its a sad fact of life, but women who have children are often massively disadvantaged in the working world, so it is vital that you keep the two things completely separate. You want to come across as a competent professional, not a cosleeping mum, the two unfortunately won't work well together in your boss' mind.

Abouttimemum · 08/05/2020 10:24

I do on call and get woken often in the night, and often have to get up and log on etc.
I sleep in the spare room on those nights and DH has the baby monitor. DS is 1. I don’t think it’s fair to wake the whole house up for my job and once DS is awake it takes a little while for him to drift back off.
That said, if you’re happy with the situation and you aren’t waking your little girl up or she wakes but goes back to sleep quickly then it’s no one’s business but your own so long as you can do you job properly.
But it sounds like you aren’t happy otherwise you wouldn’t have mentioned it to your boss. I agree with pp re getting help with your anxiety and how you deal with on call.
If I can’t deal with something in the middle of the night then it’s tough they have to wait! It’s not worth getting upset about.

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