Losing my mind :-(

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Hi everyone - hoping for some advice/shared experiences.

DD is 21 weeks old and I'm struggling to get her to sleep through the night. Our routine is:

6.15pm - bath
6.45pm - feed (5oz formula)
7.15pm - sleeps in cot (settles easily)
11pm - dream feed (5oz formula)
2am - wakes crying; BF for a couple of minutes then she falls asleep again
4am - wakes crying; again, I BF for a few minutes but she quickly falls asleep
6-6.30am - wakes for the day; she'll usually only take about 3oz of formula as she doesn't seem to want to eat much in the morning.

Over the course of the day, I'll get 3-4 bottles of around 5oz into her, depending.

I'm struggling with having to get up every couple of hours. I've tried everything I can think of - calorie-loading during the day, dropping the dream feed, giving her formula again at 2am in the hope she'll sleep past 4am, checking room temp, not picking her up and comforting her in other ways, a dummy etc. NOTHING makes her sleep longer than a couple of hours during the night. It's killing me.

It feels like she's a month behind. She's quite small (doc was never worried about her, though) and sometimes fusses and cries and won't accept her bottle. I feed her as often as I can in the hopes of getting more formula into her (I waste so much )

Is there anything else I can try?

Feeling exhausted is rubbish but with the kindness of intentions I think your expectations are a bit high. This sounds completely normal and I think that you are tiring yourself up into knots with the idea that it is your responsibility and within your control to fix it when really nothing has gone wrong and gradually your baby will have longer spells of sleep.

Hello @yikesanotherbooboo - thanks for responding. I'm not sure my expectations are that high. Everything I've read (which at this point is a lot) suggests that DD should be able to cope with just one overnight feed at this stage. That's borne out by the other babies in the antenatal class group

In the nicest possible way you need to lower your expectations. Your baby may not sleep consistently through the night for months/years. Every baby is different and whilst some may sleep through at that age, a lot don't. You may also find some people will say their babies are sleeping through but the reality may be very different. Follow your babies lead, if they need fed during the night then you just have to go with it.

This sounds pretty standard for that age. You even mention that the feeds only last a few minutes and then she falls back to sleep straight away, so personally I don’t see why this is so hard. (I used to get up, make formula, and DS would his good time drinking and because of reflux take even longer to get back to sleep properly.) As pp have said you’re expecting a lot. I would give up the quest for a full nights sleep - it sounds harsh, but you’re a parent of a baby so that’s very highly unlikely going to happen right now or in the near future. She might start ‘sleeping through’ at 7 or 8 months or maybe not until past one year. And then teething or an upset stomach sets you back to square one again. Accept that and you’ll be a lot happier!

Thanks for answers, everyone, I appreciate you taking the time to reply. I should clarify that I don't expect a full nights sleep, but surely at almost 5 months old she should be able to sleep in a block of 5 hours or so?

She's usually asleep for around 7.30pm and then we give her a dream feed between 10.30pm and 11pm, as we know from experience that she wakes up screaming just after 11pm. So that's 3-4 hours at best.

Everything I've read from the NHS to What To Expect to all the online sources say she should be able to manage 5-6 hours of continuous sleep at this stage . . . whereas you're all saying it's normal that she doesn't! Normally I'd accept what the majority of people on here tell me but in this I'm so confused. Waking up screaming at least every two hours surely can't be normal five months in - she's like a newborn!

And by the way, that's a normal night, there are nights when she won't settle at all after 3am and I'm awake with her pretty much constantly. There has been a few of those recently

My 2 year old still wakes during the night. My other child didn't sleep through until 3 years old.

5 months is so young and that all sounds so normal.

The exhaustion is insufferable at times, I know! My DS’s sleep was probably at its absolute worst around 5-5.5 months, the 4 month sleep regression hit him HARD and even then he didn’t have great sleep to regress from! It does get better, sleep tends to come in longer blocks but at 10.5 months my boy still isn’t sleeping through the night and he still wakes and has a feed. Much like everything else it does get easier and improves. Don’t worry about what any books/websites/friends/relatives say as they’re all so different. My mum is always saying how “strange” it is that my son doesn’t sleep through yet when apparently my brothers and I all did from 4 months...can’t help thinking she’s misremembering from 30+ years ago!

The nhs advice is an average. My daughter was still waking at least 2-3 times a night til she was 2 and didnt sleep through til 2.5 years. It's a killer. Can your partner take some of the strain with the bottle feeds?
Everybody else always seem to have babies that sleep through!!

Poor you. Mine went through a sleep regression at this point, and I thought I would die, but she got better soon after and had been sleeping through since about 6.5 months. The key thing I found was to get the day time naps right. But it’s horrible in the regression and you have all my sympathies.

My now 3 yr old had a similar sleep pattern at 2yrs. I wasn't too exhausted though as he co slept, so would wake up, bf for a minute or 2, then back to sleep.

It really isn't that unusual, at 5 months she is still very small. I'd have been over the moon with sleep like that with either of my 2

TBH it sounds like her sleep association is feeding herself to sleep rather than being hungry.

Does she always fall asleep for naps and feeding whilst you are feeding her?

No, @RandomMess, I don't feed her to sleep for naps or her initial bedtime - I didn't want to set up that particular habit. And actually, a positive I should focus on is that she's relatively good with naps - I can bring her up to her nursery, zip her into her sleeping bag, pat-pat her for a minute and then lay her in her cot and leave the room. She settles herself to sleep within minutes. It's just the post-dream feed period that's the problem - and yes, it probably is a comfort thing. But I'm not sure how to get out of it - I've tried not picking her up but comforting her by shooshing and patting etc. but her crying just escalates.

Ugh. I just need to deal with it and power through, don't I . . . ? This too shall pass . . .

It's exhausting isn't it. I remember trying to crack this puzzle.

I know you say you want her to sleep longer but she's actually doing a 7 hour chunk from 7 to 2. Do you have someone who can do the dream feed so you can sleep until 2 too. I know that means losing your evenings but you'll get your sleep.

I have two children, one was a terrible sleeper and one is an amazing sleeper. My first son woke hourly until 18months when I weaned him, he sleeps well now at 3 but is still very needy and would find any excuse for me to cuddle him. My second son was sleeping 13 hours a night at 6 weeks old and occasionally wakes now he is heading towards 4 months, sometimes settles without a bottle sometimes takes it hungrily. I fully believe that the reason he sleeps well is because he is a much more contented little personality. He will happily drift off in his cot and play on the floor whereas at this stage with my first he was in the wrap for naps and I would rock him for hours to get him to take a nap.

Your baby's sleep sounds entirely normal. People love to boast about how great their kids sleep is but they all go through stages of waking (like we do as adults). Sometimes one thing works and sometimes it doesn't, these kids love to wind us up! If it were me I would try skipping the dream feed and see if she is still waking for it and I would also try switching lights on/changing nappy at 2am feed so she wakes and gets a full feed rather than just snacking. But of none of that works just make sure you look after yourself and grab a nap during the day or go to bed ridiculously early. It is as phase and she will sleep when she is ready.

I advise to ditch the books and the comparisons - all babies are different. DD1 slept through at that age, dd2 fed every 1-3 hours until 4 months and still woke 2-3 times a night til well past her first birthday. I know exhaustion is awful but it comes with the territory I'm afraid and some babies have smaller stomachs/faster metabolisms. Instead of trying to force feed try and get a nap in in the day when she does instead. I think you'll both find it a bit less stressful

5 months old here and the absolute best we've managed is 1900 - 0100. Once.

He's normally waking every 2 to 4 hours.

Funny how nearly everyone's babies in all the WhatsApp groups around the country are sleeping through from birth.
Then you come here and see the truth 😂

It's tough, it's demanding. It's exactly what I was expecting being a parent would be like.

Just to echo what others have said - some babies are just like this. I obsessed over it with dc1 and it had me in knots and fits of tears. With dc2 I've just given into her wants, I haven't had a full night's sleep in almost a year now. I think there's lots of babies like ours, they're just not talked about cos it's seen as a milestone and an achievement when a baby sleeps through. I was chatting to a neighbour tonight (from a distance) and one of the first things she asked was how my baby is sleeping. I've never even spoken to her before! She then went onto tell me that they've cracked it and now their 8 month old sleeps through. As the parent of a toddler I had to keep a straight face - sleep isn't a linear thing it gets worse and better for a long time yet!

So sorry OP. Agree with pp that you're going to be best off lowering your expectations. My DS rarely slept for more than 45 mins at a stretch at that age. It was horrible. Trying to somehow "crack the code" just made it worse, another layer of stress.

The schedule you outline her following overnight, would have been a massive triumph for him at that age tbh... He managed one wakeup a night by 12 months, that lasted ages, I used to have to dream feed ar 4am, but by age 2 he was a wonderful sleeper and continues to be so.

They all grow at different rates and the average isn't as helpful as you imagine it to be really. Your baby is actually doing really well compared to the cohort I was in!

OP, my son is 10 months and he will sleep 4-5 hours when he first goes down but then is up every 2-3 hours. I have tried cry it out but I always gave in and now I've given up all together. I just can't let him cry in the middle of the night. Your only opinion is to try cry it out. You could start with letting her cry a little and see if she settles after 10 min or so, sometimes they surprise you and go back to sleep. Sleep deprivation is awful, after almost a year I'm so sick of it. My daughter started sleeping through at a year so I am hopeful that will be the case with him.

Op you are right to focus on the positives, the naps sound amazing!! It will get better.

My DS is 18 months and only just started sleeping for good stretches. Until recently I was up every 2/3 hours. It's tough but some babies just wake often. She's too young to sleep train. I'd recommend the gentle sleep book. It helps you to understand the reasons they wake so often and has data to show the normal amount of wakings / sleep. It helped me reset my expectations and once I came to terms with I was much happier.

You are in the middle of the 4 month sleep regresson. It is really common for babies to wake 2 hourly at this stage. It normally improves somewhat by 6 months.

Is it possible for your OH to do the dreamfeed and for you to go to bed early? I was in bed by 8pm until my LO was 6 months old

Mine just turned one. In the last couple of weeks he started sleeping through some of the time. I’d say he does two out of three nights from 9ish to 6ish now.

Thanks for replies, everyone. I'm getting my head into the "this is normal, deal with it" mindset.

The last couple of nights she's had her dream feed at 11pm and then slept to about 3.30am, and then settled really quickly until she woke again at 6am. So that was positive.

I knew it would be hard. But I'm not sure I thought it would be THIS hard. Coupled with some feeding issues we're having at the minute, every day feels like a battle . . .

Sorry you’re having a hard time OP, sleep deprivation is awful. Will your baby take a soother? Not instead of feeding when she’s hungry but it sounds like she’s looking for comfort from you during the night and maybe one feed could be enough?