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Have I been unfair

5 replies

screamer1 · 28/04/2020 20:03

My dad has always been a terrible sleeper. She won't go to sleep on her own. We've always laid next to her. She still wakes in the night crying and one of us will sleep with her.

We've tried to sleep train but it was so traumatic and I think I've been left with residual guilt.

She just always asks for more and mor. So tonight we read 3 books. Had a cuddle and then I told her a short story as she "fell asleep". Once I'd stopped the story she started absolutely kicking off. Saying she can't go to sleep without a story. Absolute hysterics. I just couldn't be arsed to make up another story, plus I felt like she's had enough tbh.

I told her it was sleepy time now and lay next to her, but she was just going mental. After about 15 minutes she calmed down and we had a cuddle and she's now asleep.

Have I been out of order? I feel like I've no concept of what normal is anymore. She's nearly 4 btw.

OP posts:
screamer1 · 28/04/2020 20:04

Dd not dad!

OP posts:
screamer1 · 29/04/2020 08:44

Just bumping for the daytime crew. Any help or advice much appreciated!

OP posts:
FATEdestiny · 29/04/2020 10:29

Is this your first child?

All children, in all aspects of their life - from being toddlers right through to being teenagers - need boundaries. By boundaries I mean understanding very clearly what behaviour is permissible and what behaviour is unacceptable. Then these boundaries have to be applied consistantly.

Children thrive with consistantly applied very tight boundaries. By tight I mean "black and white" thinking, without any grey areas. Like ABC are always allowed, XYZ are never allowed. As opposed to AB allowed YZ not, CX are sometimes allowed when circumstances are right (which are loose boundaries).

Having boundaries and working to set and maintain them is one of the central pillars to parenting. Children will constantly push the boundaries (to challenge and test if DEF is allowed, or if ABC are now flexible or not).

Back to your OP....

The only issue here is that you've not set boundaries. Your DD is struggling and suffering because of those lack of boundaries. It has never been established with her that bedtime involves (for example) 1 story, a kiss goodnight then she is expected to go to sleep on her own, in her bed.

It's not DD's fault that she cries for more stories, more time, mire whatever. Because on a primitive level she doesn't know what's expected of her. This has not been taught or established.

So it's time to make rules, set boundaries of what's acceptable and what isn't, and stick to it consistently.

If you have behaviour issues in otger aspects of her life, now would be a good time to tackle those too. Be it eating meals or getting dressed in the morning or whatever.

Children do, genuinely and without exception, prefer having boundaries. They are better for them. So it's not unfair to set them. Indeed, it is unfair on the child not to have boundaries of acceptable behaviour. If you don't get the child used to boundaries now, you'll have big, big problems in 10 years time when you have a teenager to deal with.

Pinkblueberry · 29/04/2020 10:40

She’s 4, so I think old enough to understand when enough is enough and that she needs to go to sleep. But she will obviously push the boundaries and jump over them if you don’t set them firmly. I think you’re in for a hard ride but you just have to bite the bullet here. Be firm but fair and let the tantrums ensue and don’t be scared of them... don’t back down and it will be worth it in the end. Once you’ve convinced her that you mean what you say, she should stop with the tantrums and with asking for more stories etc. because obviously doing so would be futile. I would say the behaviour she’s displaying right now is down to her knowing that it will make you give in eventually - and children really know how to persevere in the hopes that you give in!

screamer1 · 29/04/2020 11:19

Thanks so much for the replies! @FATEdestiny I remember asking your advice when she was tiny.

She's not actually my first. She's just so different to my son that it's almost like be a parent first time again.

I feel like we do give her boundaries. Maybe they're not clear enough though. But she pushes and pushes. Last night for example, I just kept repeating "it's time to go to sleep" with no other engagement. Eventually she gave in. She's so loud too that EVERYONE wakes up if she cries at night. So we probably are taking the path of least resistance to some extent.

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