Separation Anxiety or normal mothering instincts??

[rachel200811]

Hi, my boy is now too heavy (not top long though) for his next to me cot, he is 7 months. I think I've been finding excuses to wait to put him in his own room as I feel panicked without him sleeping with me. I know feel like I've run out of excuses. I tried putting him in his room twice now and he naps there fine but he's ended up back in my room by midnight both nights. As soon as he cried, rather than persist and resettle him there I've brought him back in with me. I know he will need some time to get used to the change and I don't mind the work to get him used to it at all but I felt so anxious and panicked and even had intrusive thoughts about him stopping breathing which meant I was quite distressed and relieved when he cried so I could bring him back.

I'm wondering if I'm just not ready and should buy a mini cot until I am. But i also wonder if I need to be strong and persist as I have to face it at some point and not sure I'll ever not feel like this.

My question is whether it's normal and if I'll just suddenly be ready at some point or whether I'm delaying the inevitable?

I've always suffered with anxiety especially at night time and I'd hate to keep him in too long where it'll be harder for him to be moved and I'll feel like this no matter when I do it. I'm kind of hoping they'll be a day when I'm just suddenly ready and that my anxiety is normal and not a deeper issue like adult separation anxiety. Being on lockdown means we're inseparable and to be honest we were even before lockdown but right now I just want him close while sleep. I'm fine going downstairs at night with the monitor until it's my bedtime so don't get why I can't be as relaxed when there's just a wall between our bedrooms. When I know its for a full night and I'll be sleeping and unable to watch him on the monitor I'm just so panicked.

Advice welcome! X

My children were all independent sleepers (ie slept in their cot, no coslept) and I wasn't ready for any of them going to own room until around 12 months old.

The advice is babies should stay in your room for 6 months as a minimum. It by no means suggests they should move at 6 months.

I waited until sleeping through the night (ie consistantly not waking up during the night) before even beginning to think about own room.

Path of least resistance, but no way did I want to be getting out of bed and trapsing into another room during the night to settle baby. So baby didn't move until I knew I wouldn't need to do that.

Yes mine is in a cot in my room too. Very occasionally I kick the hubby out to the spare room and my boy sleeps next to me, but only when rolling him off the boob is likely to cause less disruption than putting him back in his cot. Desperate times!

He is rolling from back to front and can't get back yet either. I'm a paranoid mess.

Did you feel anxious and worried before you moved them or were you just suddenly ready??

In tempted to buy a mini cot just to serve the next 5 months as we are already 2kg over the weight limit for the next to me. But I thought it was my regular anxiety playing up and that I was desperate to delay the inevitable. It's really quite distressing for me trying to sleep away from him. But I'm fine during his naps and before I go up to bed with the monitor on.

I’m co-sleeping with mine at 7.5 months, no intention to move her yet. I’m happy if she stays with me for years.
We all parent how we see fit. Sharing a bed is natural for me and my family (although DH and I have always had separate rooms even pre baby which makes it easier).

I am going to try cot for some naps though just so I can get things done. But nights will stay as they are.

I can’t understand the point of separate rooms until they are night weaned.

Oh totally agree. That was the first hurdle I wanted to get past before putting him in his own bed after 6 months. Then he started going through... so next I decided that we need to get the sleepyhead off him first as they're not condoned for unsupervised sleeping and it 'wouldn't be safe'. Now that's gone. Then the dummy needed to go before he went in his own room at night as I didn't want to be up and down putting it back in. That's gone too now. Today he has started rolling back to front but can't roll front to back yet so that'll be a logical reason he should stay in my room for a few more weeks (not that I need one of course).

I just wondered if the anxiety and panicking at the thought of him going in to his room was 'the norm' so I can stop making excuses and just let myself embrace it. Do other mums suddenly feel ready withoit this dread or fear when they did move them? X

I didn't feel worried or anxious moving baby to their room. I would not have moved then if I did, to be honest.

When mine moved I felt a mixture of a bit of excitement/relief that my bedroom was going back to being my bedroom. And a bit of wistful sadness at the fact that baby wasn't a baby anymore and was growing up. No fear though.

Ok thank you FAYEdestiny. Do you think you would have felt the way I do if you'd have tried it at 7 months?

If this sort of anxiety is normal for you, then I can't see any reason to read too much into feeling anxious about the move. If anxiety is part of your usual personality then you'd prob at feel it anytime.

So it's not really about what is feel, or anyone else. It matters only what you feel.

It's ok to just go 'this doesn't feel right' and backtrack.

For what it's worth, from many many years of contributing to sleep threads on mumset, I'd warn that moving baby into their own room while still dealing with night wakes is the No1 cause of "backdoor cosleeping". By that I mean ending up regularly Cosleeping when you didn't want/intend to.

It's because, as you've found, motivation to get up and deal with a night wake is so much lower in the night when you have to physically get up. Many families end up with a toddler who's always coming into their bed and come to the boards on advice to stop the habit (which involves lots of crying). The way to avoid this is to not move cot out your room until baby is sleeping through.

Why not bring your existing cot into your room? There isn't any need to buy a second cot.

Thank you! Yeah that's good advice. Sadly his cot bed is too big for our room but I can buy a cheap mini cot for what I could probably sell his next to me for I guess.

I just feel pressure from potential judgement from family members which is probably my own fault for always be ready with the next excuse rather than just saying "he is in with me because I want him there!".

That's a very good point, if we ditch his next to me and he then hits the 8 month sleep regression with vengeance he would end up in my BED not just my room!

Thank you! I'll tackle my own demons when the time comes but I don't think there's acceptable pressure for that to be now! X

Moved him into his room but coslept in the bed in there as necessary and still do at 2y10mo. Full size single. Was a floor bed initially but now the proper 'big boy bed' with a small bumper- he very rarely actually rolls out

(and yes it's as much about my listening out for him or being just too damned tired to bother to resettle him rather than just hop in with him and sleep)