Gradual retreat? Advice

[Pentium85]

DS 18 months has never regularly slept through, wakes upwards of 5 times a night.

Have moved him from cot to double bed which has slightly improved things as he likes the space but feel this is also a good opportunity to teach him to fall asleep without me being there.

Not a fan of controlled crying etc but understand why others may do it, so thought we would try the gradual retreat method.

Currently he falls asleep in my arms and then I put him down.

Any experiences/tips/how long before it worked for you?

We have just started gradual retreat with my DS 14mo, who has never slept and was previously bottle fed and cuddled to sleep, then into his cot but he would wake 4/5 times a night.
We have put a chair by his cot, are putting him down when he's sleepy - after bath, bottle story etc and we are patting and singing him to sleep at the mo. When he is settling we are trying to reduce the patting and singing to just a hand on the back.
It's only been 2 nights, and last night he was unsettled on and off for 3 hrs but we have managed to get him to go to sleep in his cot, which we're taking as a small victory (he slept for 5.5 hrs after he finally went to sleep!)
I've read so much about NCSS and have ended up doing what feels right for us (if there's not patting and singing he gets hysterical)
We've invested 2 nights now and r going to keep it up. Hope this is helpful. Good luck.

Currently he falls asleep in my arms and then I put him down.

Your first step wants to be lie down with him in your arms on the bed and go to sleep there. Stay until asleep.

Next step is just have arms over him going to sleep (still lying next time him cuddled up), but not arms all the way around him. Stay until asleep.

Next work on just lying next to him, face to face and close, but just your hand on his chest/shoulder as he goes to sleep. Stay until asleep.

Next stay physically close and put hand on chest/shoulder to settle but remove hand when settled. But stay close and facing him - the idea is to reduce physical contact as he falls asleep. Stay until asleep.

Next step is take your phone or a book with you. Settle him with your hand, then remove hand and make sure he's settled, then turn onto your back or front so your not facing him. Do something else so he knows you're close, but leaving him to it to go to sleep on his own. If he fussed, roll back over and resettle with hand. But retreat back once settled. Stay until asleep.

Next step - roll away and face away from him but still on bed while he goes to sleep. Phone or book so he gets that you are physically there, but he's going to sleep without you. Roll back if unsettled, retreat when settled. Stay until asleep.

Next step - sit up in bed once he's settled. Stay until asleep.

Next - stand next to bed. Return to lying if unsettled but retreat once settled. Stay until asleep.

Next - wait in doorway until he's asleep

Next - have "jobs" to do upstairs so you keep popping away from door for a minutes or do. But always go back. Gradually extend the time and frequency these jobs take - but conmitt to saying upstairs until he's asleep. If he needs you, so straight back in and resettle on bed. But always retreat back once he's settled.

He has to trust that you'll always/stay until he is asleep and will be there the moment he needs you. So always stick around until he's asleep. In time he'll need you less and you can start going downstairs after settling him.

@fatedestiny really helpful post. Do you have any tips on how to combine this with getting from cosleeping bed into their own bed?

Thanks everyone, that's great advice!

I tried it with his afternoon nap and although it took an hour for him to fall asleep, he did so simply holding my hand and nothing else so a HUGE win. I will try the same again this evening.

@nervousnelly8

We actually co-sleep 50% of the time. He is normally in his cot until midnight and then in with us from midnight until 7am when he wakes 😀

@Pentium85 you are doing better than us. DS refused point blank to sleep in his cot at the moment. He sleeps ok when he's in bed with me, but I'm now pregnant with number 2 so need to figure out how to transition DS into his own bed! Great job on the afternoon nap!!

From cosleeping, depends on age and long term plans.

My preference would be cosleeping to cot sleeping in own room. I am not a fan of toddlers in beds on their own and think they get a lot of security from the cot sides.

But in an older child this wouldn't be practical and you might go straight to a bed in child's own room. To do this I would love to parent/child Cosleeping in the child's bed not the parents bed. A larger double bed for the child makes this easier, like OP. Then follow gradual retreat like I explained above. Leave once baby asleep but quickly return at any slight sign of being unsettled and repeat.

If the aim is a cot, I'd start off removing one side off the cot and butting it up to your bed. Easily done with all flat pack cots. The benefit of doing this with a full sized cot (From newborn) rather than a nexttome crib is size. You can physically lie inside a full sized bedside cot. Or at least your top half to snuggle up to baby.

So start by having baby going to sleep on bedside cot mattress but with you totally engulfing him very close, like Cosleeping.

Then follow similar to as above to reduce the reliance on your physical touch to go to sleep. Then add fourth cot side back on but stay close, right up to cot bars on your bed as going to sleep, hand over cot side to settle. Then move further and further away until your presence isn't needed. Then move cot into baby's own room.

@nervousnelly8

How old is your DC?

In hindsight, I wouldn't have even bothered with the cot. I would've just co slept until I felt comfortable putting him in a bed. The cot only caused more issues.

One thing we have found that's really helped with the transition is new bedroom things. (Duvet set in his favourite characters etc)

Just djd the bedtime routine: absolutely no contact after reading 2 books and singing a lullaby, and I turned my back to him so he couldn't see my face or touch me... asleep within 20 mins. Definitely a lucky fluke but doing a little happy dance to myself!

@Pentium85 @FATEdestiny DS is 13months so probably a bit young to get excited by character sheets

Great idea on taking one side of the cot off - I will definitely give that a try. DH will be so excited that he might be allowed back in our bed soon!

@nervousnelly8

Whatever you choose, hopefully this will provide you reassurance. My DS slept 6:45-8am last night with only 1 small wake up at 4am, it's a miracle!