Am I a bad mum?

[Larlar090]

Hi, so I’m really new to this and not quite sure how it works but I really need to get something off my chest, I feel like a shitty mum. I’m 21 and my DD is 4 months, I am a single mum and her dad only bothers with her when he feels like it so I rarely get a break.

Anyway as most of the world is on lockdown right now I’ve just really been struggling mentally with not being able to get out the house and do things with my DD, recently the last few weeks since lockdown she has been really really clingy to the point I can’t leave her alone in a room or she crys, if I’m making myself dinner I have to take her in with me and watch me, when I shower everything and she never used to be like this before she’s always been a very chilled out baby, we have an amazing bond btw, she is my world I love her to bits but it’s really frustrating when I can’t even cook some food for myself without her crying, she has also randomly been waking up at 3am every night which I don’t know why, she goes down around 9pm and normally wakes back up at 6am, she’s always slept through the night since she was about 1 month old I’ve been so lucky, if she wakes up I just get up and make her a bottle which most of the time she doesn’t even drink she just takes a few Oz and sits and babbles to herself in her cot, or she crys for ages, the other night she woke up at 3am didnt go back down until 5am. Then she’s back up at 6am to start her day.

So she’s being clingy during the day, ( I understand baby’s are clingy and need their mothers but it’s to the point if I even walk out the room for a second she notices and starts screaming.) She’s been waking up in the night and not going back down for about 2-3 hours, and she’s becoming more and more difficult to get to sleep in the evenings. A few nights ago she screamed and tantrumed from 8pm to 11.30pm, I got so upset and stressed out with her I broke down into tears because I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, she will have her bath bottle and bed and then I sway her to sleep normally but it’s like she fights sleeping and resits it, everytime her eyes roll back she pings them back open and bursts into tears and once she starts you can’t stop her, she won’t even take her milk because she screams so much.

The whole reason why I feel like a shit mum is because I’ve been feeling like I’m struggling and I’ve been feeling so so tired to the point I can’t keep my eyes open, I’m also anaemic which doesn’t help:(, the other night she woke up at 3am screaming I was so tired so I just shouted at her to shut up really loudly which of course made her cry even more and I was so angry and frustrated I got up and picked her out of her cot (she sleeps in a next to me cot) and just sort of shook her a little chucked her on my bed:( not as aggressive as it sounds, I put her on her back and not from a distance if that makes sense, I just sort of dropped her on my bed and stepped away from her, (still watching her) but I just couldn’t do it anymore at that moment in time I was shaking and crying breaking down in my room while my baby is screaming next to me on the bed, all I wanted to do was just sleep, felt useless like I can’t do anything right and I can’t get it out my head that I done that to her I feel terrible I think about it everyday, punishing myself, but I was so tired and stressed and so sick of the constant crying. I picked her back up after I got my bearings, she eventually went back to sleep, but I just want to know is anyone else going through this? Or have been? Will my baby remember what I’ve done? Will she hate me? Sometimes I feel like doesn’t smile at me the same anymore. I feel absolutely broken about this please help. Apologises this was so long.

You arent a bad mum but you can't shake or throw her, you know that already though. Next time you're upset, the right thing is just leave her in her cot or even on the floor if that is safest - she will cry but it won't harm her.

Phone these folk in the morning: www.cry-sis.org.uk/

At 4 months it is normal for babies to start to "wake up", sleep less and be more unsettled/cry more. She is behaving normally.

I'm so sorry you're feeling shit and tired. I so understand. Can you phone your mum or friend? You need support x

And she won't remember. She loves you. It will be ok, as long as you get support and keep safe when you're frustrated and tired.

I shouted at my DS at a similar age and came really close to shaking him. I completely understand how you feel. You just need to deal with those feelings differently, she isnt crying to upset you or because she doesnt love you - she is just doing what 4 month old babies do. Xx

It will be OK. You will only ever do it that once. You are not a bad mum.

At 4 to 6 months they start teething and getting ready for weaning. Mine got bad wind at night when teething and would scream.

They also pick up on your mood and as you are trapped, you aren't feeling like yourself.

You need to be kind to yourself. Nap when she naps, take it easier. Don't try to be perfect.

You poor thing- that sounds really tough for the both of you (you and your little one I mean, not her useless dad!).

Everything you have described is really normal and it will pass quickly. Even if it doesn’t feel like it atm.

You definitely need more support, please reach out to whoever you have and the agency the previous poster mentioned.

Could you get your hands on a sling? It means you could have her close to you in the day which will comfort her, but you have your hands free to do stuff.

You are doing a great job. I’m much older than you with a helpful partner and I still found it hard at times. Please reach out for the help you need. You are being very brave and your little one will be very proud of you one day

You are not a bad mum you need help and support. Above poster and added a link. Please do call them. Your baby is just doing what a lot of babies do at that age. I used to call mine velcro babies. They want you all the time and it is so draining. But she won't be like this forever.

But next time you feel the crying is getting to you, leave her in her cot to cry and go and take a deep breath.

Also just my opinion but babies do pick up on how you are feeling. Try to stay calm and relaxed, I know easier said but she may respond in the same way.

Enjoy the lovely bond you have and please do call someone even if it's to rant and get things off your chest.

My DD went through a sleep regression at this stage. It’s fairly common but the lack ok sleep is a killer! Does she nap in the day? If she does and you are able to, do sleep then. I know it’s not ideal but it will help a bit. A good phrase for theses stages is ‘this too shall pass’.

4 month regression.
Download the wonder week app. It made so much sense for my baby and saved by sanity knowing there's a reason and that it will pass.

Oh OP, when they hit this age it is TOUGH.

That 'blissful' newborn stage tends to stop and suddenly you get this demanding baby who doesn't want to leave your sight.

Firstly, invest in a sling. This was my absolute lifesaver at this age. You can then go about your daily business and baby will just come along with you.

Secondly, shower at night when you know baby is sound asleep. Tell your partner "I'm going for a shower. I don't know how long I'll be. But until I'm done, you're responsible for the baby". Sometimes with men, unfortunately, you need to make it explicitly clear what you want.

But finally, you're absolutely definitely not a bad mum. Once baby is asleep and you've showered, get straight into bed and just 'bank' all the sleep you can until the regression is over.

Seek professional help if you need to.

I promise you, brighter and easier days will come.

Your baby is just learning that things can go away, but she hasn't worked out yet that they will come back. You're the most important thing in her world, so when you go away, she gets upset, because she doesn't understand yet that you're coming back. On top of that you have a sleep regression at this time, teething can start too, and there are some big developmental things happening, like sitting up, and learning to explore her environment. Which is exciting and unsettling for her. So you have a bit of a perfect storm really.

It's tough, really really tough. Especially on broken sleep, and even more so, on your own. But be reassured, it will pass, it will get better. In the meantime, consider getting a sling, or a baby bouncer chair you can put in the kitchen so she can sit and see you. Or make her a nest on the floor in there with some blankets and cushions. A cold damp flannel to chew on will help with the teething, and if she doesn't have one already, maybe a dummy. Rather than resisting her need to be with you, try to go with it. And please ask for help. It's not a bad thing to need it or ask for it, it takes strength and courage. You have the strength and courage to be a single mum, asking for help is a small thing compared to that.

Thank you everyone I feel a lot better reading through your comments, I should mention I don’t live with her dad, I live at my mums still and she works full time for the NHS so I feel like I can’t ask her for help with everything going on at the moment (corona) she doesn’t treat patients, but may have to be deployed on Friday and she will have to move out because of my DD. She started teething at around 2 months so I’ve been dealing with her teeth from an early age and it’s just been so Constant, I have teething toys, teething gels, cold teething toys, dummy’s, nothing seems to sooth her which is why I also feel frustrated. She’s constantly chomping on her hand or anything for that matter and has been like this from a young age, she does nap in the day but only when it suites her sometimes she will go through a whole day with 1 small 20 minute nap, the only time she sleeps for ages is when she’s in my arms, so I find it hard to nap when she does, I also have the bottles to do, cleaning up round the house for my mum, our dog needs sorting out too. I don’t really have much time to sleep as most days when my mum leaves for work I’m left with a list of chores I have to do, I am currently in the middle of looking for a flat.

Leave the chores. Lie down and rest whenever possible. You will be mentally and physically so much stronger and better able to cope if you get enough rest. I didn't and ended up very ill in hospital as my immunity was so low I couldnt fight off any bug.

Second the sling suggestion. Much easier to get through the day if you have both hands free.

As others have said if you feel the pressure building up inside to the point where you want to scream put her in her cot where she us safe and walk away for 2 minutes. Count to ten. Take some deep breaths. She will be fine. I had two under two and I soon realised that babies can wait for attention when they have to. Its actually not a bad thing for them to learn.