Gentle Bedtime with 4 year old and 22 month old

[user1474565301]

My girls are 4 years old and 22 months old. I cosleep with them both so I lay between them whilst going to sleep. The youngest feeds to sleep, so I have to lay facing her while she does this.
Whilst this happens, my 4 year old lays behind me, but is very often trying everything she can to get my attention onto her, even though I'm talking to her the whole time. She hits, licks my back, pokes me, is noisy, etc.
I understand why she does this, but does anyone have any ideas of how I can achieve a gentle bedtime with them both, whilst still cosleeping and feeding littlest to sleep?
Thanks

Can't she lie on the same side as her sister, head at the same height as yours? So you can make eye contact, stroke her face, hold her hand ...

It sounds like your 4yr old could really benefit from her own space, tbh.

Why do they have to go to bed at the same time?

Does the 22 month old need to feed to sleep? A story would work better for the two of them.

Can the 4 year old entertain herself while you put the 2 year old to sleep.

How do you extricate yourself when they are asleep? Please don’t tell me you stay there!

I have a similar age gap. I was putting the tv on downstairs for my 5 year old and then feeding the toddler to sleep and popping him in his cot. We cosleep when he wakes up later, usually around midnight/1am. Then I would bring my 5 year old up and put her in bed in the same room.
In the last few weeks I've started feeding him downstairs and then I bring them both upstairs for story time, with him in the cot and her in bed. We read for 30 minutes and then lights off. I sit on the floor until they're asleep, usually for 10/15 mins.

It's so great that he can put himself to sleep without being fed, so it's like v gently sleep training(even though he still wakes and feeds in the night! )

What a performance. Mine were fed, stories and bed. Door pulled to with teddies and blankets for comfort, see them in the morning. No drama. No sitting on floors. No sharing bedapce with hitting poking toddlers. You seem almost frightened of upsetting them.
Each to their own I suppose.

@cptartapp Sitting on the floor for
10/15 minutes is no hardship for me. They like me doing it and my daughter says she loves going to sleep knowing I'm there. Makes us both happy and it won't be forever!

Floor sitting for 10/15 minutes is fine. The OP’s approach is a whole other level of faff

Plus she's letting her 4yr old hit and kick her, which is bloody ridiculous

Thank you to some of you for your advice.

To the others, I didn't post here in order to be judged on my decision to parent gently. I was looking for some kind advice. Thank you for making someone who is only just keeping their head above water feel bad about themselves.

If you're 'only just keeping your head above water' maybe you need to rethink your methods.

Could four year old go on the other side of the little one just while you're feeding little one? Could she manage to not distract little one? Or would she wait with a book or a screen? I've been here and it doesn't last forever. And it's worth it to know you've done it the hard but most gentle way

It doesn't sound like this arrangement is working well for you or the older child. Personally, I would either:

1)do the bedtimes separately so the older one can do something else while her sister is feeding, and then have you all to herself when it's her bedtime

OR

2. Sit up and read a book/tell a story/sing to both of them whilst feeding so that older one doesn't feel excluded

OR

3. Wean the younger one so that they can be treated the same at bedtime.

Having a bath, then a story and a cuddle to sleep with teddy isn't exactly ungentle....

Put younger one to bed first. Older one get some precious one to one time with mummy.

She’s desperately trying to get your attention as you have your back to her and in her eyes are favouring the little one.

Try a different bedtime for them both or get her to lie where she can see your face.

People aren’t judging you for trying to “parent gently”, I think it’s more that you’re not willing to be flexible in your approach to find one that actually suits your dc. Your eldest dc needs you to do something differently and not just stick to something you’ve read in a book.

At 4 and nearly 2, I don’t understand the need to co sleep. If you don’t want them to be alone, then let them share a room.

I think you need to go for a total change. I put my youngest to bed after bath, milk and some stories, older one sometimes stays with us, sometimes watches a bit of tv on her own. Then older one has story and bed.

@cptartapp

You sound like you were lucky enough to have good sleepers. And despite what you may think, it is mainly luck. There’s no need to be so rude to someone who is clearly already struggling.

I don’t judge your decision though I wouldn’t do it. But your approach isn’t working. I don’t see why the older child can’t be left with a book or TV whilst you put the youngest to bed. Then they can have your undivided attention at their own bedtime.

The other alternative is to put the older one to bed first but this may not work at 22 months.

Screen time for one while the other does bedtime? Do you have another adult who can have eldest while youngest falls asleep?

I do solo bedtime with my two (currently 8 months and a bit over 2.5 years) similar set-up, bedsharing with both (but both of mine still feed to sleep). I won't lie, it can be tough, but I feed the youngest whilst reading to the eldest, could that work? In a cradle hold, and then transferred back onto the bed, and then eldest has my undivided attention (and still had a fair bit while the youngest was falling asleep)

Gentle parenting is all very well and good, but if your 4yr old is getting violent because she's not getting your attention for 5 minutes, then you're being too gentle. Raising entitled children does no one any favours.

Daddy why is it rude to suggest if things are so bad she may need to change tack? That's common sense.
And mainly luck, maybe, but not all.

Just they way you said it, as someone who is also suffering hugely with a non sleeping child, although the situation is nothing like OPs. I imagined how I would feel if someone was that blunt with me about my children’s sleep, knowing how much of it is luck (first was an amazing sleeper, done nothing different this time). It struck a chord with me, that’s all.
You can say constructive things in a pleasant way. You don’t have to be so blunt.

'Bloody ridiculous' was someone else's interpretation of the situation. So I'm not alone.
Sleep deprivation makes everything seem so much worse than it is though.
Good luck OP.

You sound like a great mum op ☺️ I would definitely try to change position or routine. If your older one could possibly wait for an extra half an hour or so while you feed toddler to sleep - perhaps they can watch something or read next to you? Or could you read to them both while feeding the toddler to sleep?